We speak of platonic love when it is devoid of carnal relationships. The absence of sex in a couple, rare nowadays, raises many questions for those who cannot conceive of love without physical relations. Is it really a choice or is it a constraint? What characterizes the Platonic relationship? Can the couple last without sex? The sex therapist Evelyne Dillenseger enlightens us on the subject.

The word “platonic” originates from the Greek philosopher Plato. It was not he who mentioned this concept for the first time, but he develops it in the Banquet, the Republic and Phèdre. To experience platonic love is to experience a romantic relationship with a person without having sex with them. It is a chaste love that excludes all sensuality in favor of emotional and spiritual ties, and mutual tenderness. “Sexuality is part of life, but it is neither compulsory nor vital. Couples who experience platonic love are centered on what the other represents. It is an incorporeal love, deprived of sex, sensuality, physical desires. It is an ideal union between two souls, a love which is sufficient in itself ”, says Evelyne Dillenseger. 

A couple can end up in a platonic relationship, not by choice but because certain life events or the passage of time have led both partners to stop having sex. Thus, some “old” couples may see the passion and desire for sex wither over the years. Sexual relations are more and more spaced out, become scarce, then no longer take place. The physical desire disappears, but the tenderness and the bond are still there and the couple is no less fulfilled. Life causes the relationship to become platonic, but the two partners do not experience it as a constraint. “This is of course possible if both spouses are on the same wavelength regarding this abstinence. If one of them is frustrated with the lack of sex, it doesn’t work ”, reports the sex therapist.

Events can disrupt a couple’s sex life and force them into a platonic relationship temporarily. “We think of the post-childbirth period, of being away from work, of illness, of fatigue linked to family life…”, lists the specialist. Rarer, some people have a phobia of sex and are afraid of penetration or of the erect male sex. Others refuse sexual relations because of old traumas (touching, rape, etc.). Abstinence is then a way to protect yourself.

Finally, platonic love is essential for couples with strong religious beliefs, before marriage. Here again, it is only provisional but wanted and accepted by both partners.

For the sex therapist, couples who choose to live a chaste love apart from the cases mentioned above remain rare. It is also difficult for asexual people (few in number) to find a partner who shares their “particularity”, that is to say not to feel any sexual attraction for anyone.

In a platonic relationship, love manifests itself other than through sex. It goes through:

• Looks ;
• Tenderness;
• Affection;
• Intellectual sharing;
• Sharing activities such as dance, sport …
• Complicity.

For couples who have made the choice of a platonic relationship, it is possible to find a form of enjoyment in activities other than sex and to strengthen the bonds with the other without going through carnal pleasure.

You should know that platonic love is not necessarily shared or confessed. You can feel a form of love for someone other than your spouse. It can be an intellectual, philosophical, spiritual love or even a crush for a person of the same sex (although one is heterosexual. An often secret love in which physical desire has no place.

Sex being something natural for the human being, it can seem difficult to believe in the sustainability of a couple in the absence of carnal relationships. When it is suffered by one of the two members of the couple, platonic love is suffering and the relationship cannot, a fortiori, last over time. “Sexual frustration, the absence of unwanted physical contact unbalance the couple”, assures Evelyne Dillenseger. On the other hand, when the two romantic partners live well this absence of sex, there is no reason that the relationship does not last.