Pity: is there anything good in it?

There are a lot of claims on the internet. A superficial search immediately gave such thoughts. “Pity humiliates those you pity. Pity does not bring any progress and does not help anyone. Instead of regretting, it is better to really help a person, sometimes this help seems tough … like a slap in the face during a tantrum, but it is necessary. Pity encourages a person to be further weak and only whine: “how poor and unhappy I am.”

“Pity is a form of discomfort, often taking the form of condescending compassion. The object of pity is perceived as “pathetic”, that is, humiliated in his unfortunate position, but at the same time valuable. “Pity is a humiliating feeling: both humiliating the one who pities, and the one who is pitied.” And, as a result: “Pity is the most terrible feeling that you can feel for a person.”

What is called, arrived. Pity began to be erected to the word “sting” and correlated with “sting”. Then what shall we call a man who knows no pity? Ruthless. I do not like? And why, if pity is the most terrible feeling, discomfort and humiliation? You can also throw away the same-root “regret”, “take pity” and “sorry”.

For me, pity is closely associated with a physical touch, a light stroke, a hug. When my daughter, having fallen off a bicycle, cries from pain or resentment, clutching at her skinned knees, my heart shrinks precisely from pity, and this pity requires a touch, the warmth of the presence of another near at the moment when a loved one is hurt and he is helpless.

Is this feeling uncomfortable? No. Pity is an emotional response to the helplessness of another, when he does not have the resources to cope with the situation, and what is needed is to become a support for him at some point. When we feel that a person who is experiencing suffering has the resources to overcome it, then we can sympathize with him, empathize. But not always at the moment of suffering a person has a resource, and pity makes it possible to borrow someone else’s, to feel the strength of another nearby, when there are no one’s own strengths.

A person becomes “pathetic” not out of pity. What does “pathetic” mean? Dictionaries are dominated by such characteristics: miserable, despicable, insignificant. If you feel sorry for a crying baby who has lost something important or pinched his finger, are you doing this because he is miserable, despicable or insignificant? Is he sorry? Or do you disguise “unworthy” pity for the child with detached “I sympathize” or “I sympathize”?

One day we were walking home with the whole family, and a puppy followed us. Obviously homeless, he ran, yapping funny, wagging his tail and trying to look into his eyes: they say, maybe you can take me with you, huh? The daughters got excited, and I was very sorry for this baby, but dogs or any other pets were not included in my plans. So we went on, and he ran after – quite a long time, I must say …

I feel sorry for this puppy, not “I sympathize.” Another thing is that I did not translate my pity into the action of “taking it home with me”, because I was not ready to take care of him all his life.

So, pity is a feeling directed at someone who is currently experiencing suffering and does not feel the resources to cope with it himself. Pity can be a quick response to sudden pain (hit hard, cut, fall). It is clear that more often this feeling arises in connection with children and animals, but any adult at some point can be stranded, like a fish on land, and be unable to jump back into the water. It may be rare, but it is possible.

Pitying the other, you temporarily replace yourself with a support that makes it possible to survive a moment of complete despair and hopelessness. And it is in this moment that a very fragile balance lies, the violation of which leads to the fact that pity begins to cause a lot of rejection, irritation and anger.

Have you noticed how mothers comfort their children? Someone strokes the head, back or shoulder, accompanying the actions with words of consolation – “I understand how it hurts you”, “the dog hurts, the cat hurts, but Sasha doesn’t hurt”, “it will pass soon”. And someone tells the child about his helplessness: “you are my unfortunate”, “my poor thing”, “well, why are you so clumsy”, “all like your father, a bungler, born, unfortunate” …

Do you feel the difference between the first and second comfort options? In the first case, parents help the child to live through the pain or emotion, without fixing his attention on his own “lack of resources”. This is close to regret – an experience associated with the realization of the impossibility of changing or correcting something. “You fell off your bike, it’s very unpleasant, but nothing terrible happened, now the pain will pass and everything will be all right.”

In the second case, the child is told that he is helpless, clumsy and that he is unlikely to be able to do something better. This form of pity is often “swallowed” by a child, but it annoys adults – however, those adults who feel strong enough in themselves to cope.

It is possible to parasitize on someone else’s pity, but this is possible only on the condition that both parties take an active part in this. “Helpless” demonstrates with all his might his lack of strength (a paradox, yes), and the one who regrets willingly believes that the unfortunate person really has no opportunity to change something. This is the basis of “love out of pity”, which, in essence, becomes love for feeling strong next to the helpless.

“I can not live without you!” is a classic manipulative phrase. But the phrase is flattering to those for whom the only way to feel valued is through nourishment from those in need. In such pity-dependence, there is no resource on the part of the “pityer”, for him the helplessness of the other (real or imaginary) is in itself a resource in order to support himself. Here there is no genuine pity as a desire to temporarily share one’s strength, here there is mutual parasitism on common weaknesses.

If love is pity, then this love can only last until the moment when the “beloved” gets on his feet. “He/she would be lost without me!” – and then everything is done so that he / she could not leave, because this means the end of “love”. A person who is not ready to become a “donor” to feel someone else’s “strength” will angrily brush aside “poor you, unfortunate one.”

There is also the manipulative “I feel sorry for you.” This is a simple assertion of superiority over the flawed, in which there is no desire to be a support for the one you “pity”.

But self-pity is a strange experience. You are experiencing the fact of your helplessness and inability to change something, but at the same time you are trying to be your own support in this state. Vicious circle: helplessness – attempt to support oneself – failure – increased helplessness and hopelessness.

In fact, you are trying to do for yourself what you would like to be done for you. Self-pity is a veiled request to others for support and help, which for some reason cannot be directly stated. Partly because of the fear of revealing one’s weakness, of appearing “pathetic”, partly because of the fear of being rejected. But nothing better than self-pity.

So, pity is an emotional response to someone else’s suffering, which the sufferer himself cannot cope with (due to lack of experience or strength). The key to pity is the real or perceived helplessness of the other. Pity as an experience is a short-term phenomenon associated with specific situations, which makes it possible for the one who is pitied to rely on another to restore his own resources.

Action out of pity is always the transfer of one’s strengths (emotional or physical) to other people, and there are situations in which this is not only possible, but necessary, but such a state cannot be long-term. Relationships built on pity inevitably lead to mutual dependence-parasitism, when the weakness of one becomes a condition for the strength of the other.

At the positive pole of this feeling is the possibility of self-giving, the ability to be a temporary support for the desperately needy. In the negative, it is a limitation or inhibition of the development of both other people (since everything is done for them), and one’s own: resources are not spent on one’s own life.

Pity in this inhibition in itself is not to blame, like any other “bad” feelings. It becomes an unacceptable feeling in a world in which helplessness and weakness as such, regardless of context and situation, are regarded as a shameful vice.