Infidelity remains one of the main causes of divorce and separation. Family therapist Denise Bagarozzi has developed a typology of infidelity and suggested several approaches to solving a painful problem.
According to data released by the Kinsey Institute, 20-25% of men and 10-15% of women have cheated on their partner at least once during their marriage.1. “Most likely, experts in the field of human relations will never be able to predict why the union of loving hearts will fall apart due to what one of the parties considers a betrayal,” notes psychologist Susan Whitbourne. After all, the reasons for cheating, as studies show, can be very diverse. They are associated with the peculiarities of the cultural norms and traditions of society, the partners’ low ability to communicate, their natural impulsiveness, sexual dissatisfaction, lack of empathy and understanding of each other.2. By examining all these seemingly different factors, family therapist Dennis Bagarozzi has come up with a kind of typology of infidelity.
Short link
It may turn out to be a one-night stand, but it can drag on for several weeks. Often provoked by alcohol and occurs with a randomly met person. As a rule, such stories are not disclosed, and both parties agree (often this is meant by default) that they are connected only by sex, and there will be no continuation. Such episodes rarely happen, which indicates that we value a permanent partner and, deep down, we regret betrayal.
Underwater rocks. “A person who cheats, seeks new sensations, seeks adventure, and it seems to him that this short, non-binding episode will not affect the relationship with a permanent partner,” says Denise Bagarozzi. “However, as a result, he is left alone with a sense of confusion and guilt, which inevitably affects his union.” It is not easy for everyone to continue to live with this secret, which often destroys a precious bond with a loved one. Therefore, do not underestimate the role of “just one little adventure.”
Periodic links
People who are prone to repeated betrayals, as a rule, are not capable of establishing deep relationships and replace spiritual intimacy with physical intimacy. This turns out to be the safest form of human rapprochement for them. Some go for such betrayals if the relationship in some part satisfies them, but for various reasons they do not get what is important to them in the sexual sphere. For some, endless adultery is a reflection of an impulsive nature and a constant desire to fuel oneself with thrills.
Underwater rocks. If you feel like this is about you, then the best thing you can do is not provoke yourself. Above all, avoid alcohol, which robs us of self-control in certain situations. When physical dissatisfaction with a regular partner pushes for infidelity, then the only way to maintain a relationship is to start a dialogue with a loved one about what you would like to receive from him. In some cases, it makes sense to consult a psychologist or sexologist.
Change for profit
The goal is career advancement or other important bonuses for a person. However, often such a betrayal also becomes an unconscious way to punish your permanent partner (even if he does not know about it) or cause jealousy in him.
Underwater rocks. The consequences of such a decision can affect both our family life and our professional career. In the worst case, we risk losing both family and business reputation. Even if you don’t use sex as a means to achieve your professional goals and use it once, say, to get a new job, it can open up and damage your entire career.
A cure for a problem
Professional and personal failures, painful losses, the need to accept new stages of one’s age with all the accompanying changes – all this can be a trigger for forgetting in new, intoxicating emotions.
Underwater rocks. As a rule, what we try to turn into a remedy for stress, in the end, makes it worse. Sooner or later, a feeling of guilt towards a partner and a feeling of cooling of the relationship may appear. The problems we tried to hide from will not go away, and we will have to deal with them. “The best thing we can do is find the strength to face our problems head on,” says Susan Whitebourne. “To do this, we will need the help not of secret lovers, but rather of a loved one, friends or a professional psychologist who can help us look at the situation from a new perspective.”
Read more:
- Why does cheating make us feel guilty?
- Six roads to change
Sexual deviations
People with certain deviations of sexual behavior (exhibitionism, fetishism, voyeurism, and others), as a rule, keep their sexual desires secret from their partner and try to satisfy them on the side. “From the point of view of modern psychoanalysis, paraphilic disorders of this kind are caused more by the “psychological pain” that a person faces: fears, a sense of life dissatisfaction, rather than sexual desires, says Denise Bagarozzi. – In other words, unconscious conflicts can also provoke sexual impulses. But even if we are talking about sexual behavior disorder in its purest form, which is an innate human feature, it is also associated with compulsive behavior. And it means that a person cannot cope with his internal problems.
Underwater rocks. Experts do not believe that deviant behavior in itself is a reason to turn to a psychotherapist. However, if your desires begin to seriously complicate your social and personal life, make you feel depressed, this becomes a sign of a psychological disorder. A specialist can help reduce sexual tension by focusing on the problem that may have triggered obsessive and painful sexual desires. Cognitive-oriented therapy often uncovers past episodes—fears and traumatic events—that may have triggered sexual desires. Awareness of this, in turn, helps us to begin to change something in our lives.
1 kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#fantasy
2 D. Bagarozzi “Understanding and treating marital infidelity: A multidimensional model”. American Journal of Family Therapy, online publication dated May 31, 2008.