Phrases that talk about relationship problems

What a pity that the school does not have the subject of «the art of building relationships.» Of course, in biology lessons we are told about the differences between the male and female body, and in literature lessons we get acquainted with the ups and downs of the relationship between the heroes of classical works. But when it comes to everyday situations, difficulties begin.

We often don’t notice when relationships become unhealthy. Problems that complicate mutual understanding seem inevitable to us, because it was accepted in our family. Our culture has taught us to worship romantic infatuation and laugh at overly practical approaches to love. Even a peaceful separation provokes protest: “it’s like making a scandal,” as the wife of the hero of the film “Ivan Vasilyevich Changes His Profession” said.

Here are a few phrases that can serve as indicators that not all is well in a couple.

“Have you forgotten how you let me down that time?”

Are you dating a person who constantly reminds you of past mistakes and situations where you hurt him? Does your relationship resemble a constant presentation of accounts to each other, where the winner is the one whose account turned out to be higher? If so, you have reason to think.

What is the danger?: Such relationships can hardly be called healthy. Everyone is trying to earn «points», to gain an advantage over the other in order to have a legitimate opportunity to control him. Self-doubt may be hidden behind this behavior: a person is afraid that the other will not listen to him, and tries to force him to this with the help of guilt.

What to do: Relationships can develop and move forward only on the condition that old grievances remain in the past. If you are offended by your partner’s behavior, tell him about it as soon as possible. Don’t wait for the problem to build up enough «charge» so that you can «in good conscience» unleash your anger on the other’s head. Remember that the resentment we hold within is distorted by our subsequent thoughts. A partner may simply not understand why you are angry — and it will seem to you that he deliberately does not notice your feelings.

«You should have figured out what’s going on»

A common belief: close people should understand each other perfectly. In practice, this is often expressed in the reluctance to openly express their wishes. Why, if «everything is clear»? Some people build a whole complex network of hints, clues and signals that the other is supposed to «read». And they get angry if he is not insightful enough.

What is the danger: The habit of communicating in hints shows that partners avoid direct conversation. In relationships that are built on trust, there is no need to resort to disguise. If one of the partners waits for the other to decipher his signs, he shirks responsibility. If he is afraid to express his opinion, he prefers to put it into the mouth of another: “You yourself (a) wanted this (a).” In the event of a conflict, he can say: “You misunderstood me (a).”

What to do: Do not be afraid to express your feelings and desires openly. If it seems to you that your partner does not care about your experiences, ask yourself: maybe he just does not suspect about them? You may feel like everything you’re doing indicates that you’re upset and want to talk. But from the outside it may look quite different.

“If something doesn’t suit you, we probably shouldn’t be together”

The habit of elevating minor disagreements to the absolute, as if they threaten the relationship as a whole, can quickly exhaust both of you and lead to a breakup. For example, you notice that your partner doesn’t pay attention to your new hairstyle and has been acting very distant in general for the past few days. Instead of asking him to find out what happened, you annoyedly say: «I can not date a person who is so cold to me.»

What is the danger: Emotional blackmail leads to unnecessary dramatization. The slightest disagreement grows to the size of a tragedy. You constantly doubt your choice, emphasize differences in views, tastes and lifestyles. If the relationship eventually goes wrong, you get confirmation of your doubts: yes, these were all signs that we were not destined to be together. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy effect: the more we believe something will happen, the more we talk and think about it. So we unconsciously help this scenario to come true.

What to do: Analyze your feelings towards your partner. Perhaps you have already decided to leave and are now just looking for an excuse. If you hesitate, weigh the pros and cons: do you want to be with this person. Think about how your relationship started. If they are important to you, be prepared for the fact that something will not be perfect. This is the art of communication: we learn to listen to the other, to look for successful formulations, to compromise. Only those relationships that have successfully passed through a series of crises and challenges remain stable.

«How can you not be jealous? You just don’t love me»

Many people think that jealousy is the best proof of love. We seem to show that the partner is not indifferent to us, we are afraid of losing him. On the other hand, we are in constant anxiety. It seems to us that the love of a partner is a prize for which you need to compete literally with the whole world. Such an attitude can lead to compulsive behavior: tracking the partner’s phone calls, long questions about where and with whom he spends time, demanding to give an account of his every step.

What is the danger: If we give jealousy the role of the main indicator of feelings in a couple, we are making a substitution. Love, in which we are completely absorbed by another person, becomes a painful addiction. Trying to bind him to yourself is the result of a deep sense of insecurity. If we claim all the attention of another, this may indicate that in childhood we were unable to form a sense of integrity, self-sufficiency. In every beloved we see the figure of a parent who will become our whole world.

What to do: Feeling a little jealous is natural. But make sure that it does not develop into a desire to control a partner. Here, too, there is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you bind him to you, the more actively he will try to free himself. First of all, try to trust your partner. If you are seriously convinced that without your control he will go to someone else, ask yourself the question: do you need such a person next to you?

About the Author: Mark Manson is a personal development consultant, entrepreneur, and blogger (USA) who is the best-selling author of books including The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: The Paradoxical Way to Live Happy and Man’s Rules: Relationships, Sex, Psychology.