Contents
We hear advice, warnings and recommendations from childhood: in an effort to raise us strong, reasonable and thrifty, parents literally accompany them with our every step. Over time, these phrases can leave us feeling anxious or guilty. Psychologist Alexei Lunkov tells what this effect is connected with and how to deal with it.
“Lets go faster”
For the first time this requirement sounds when the child goes to kindergarten or school. Now he gets up early, not because he got enough sleep, but because he needs to be in time – for breakfast or for the first lesson. Repeating with enviable regularity, these words are transformed from an external stimulus into their own obsession. The oppression of constant haste affects the attention of the child, he becomes forgetful, self-esteem suffers. For obvious reasons, it is most difficult for those who, due to the characteristics of the nervous system, are unhurried by nature.
Growing up, we get used to these words, and they are filled with important meaning. The constant rush (“I’m busy up to my throat!”) becomes a habit, the best way to escape from unpleasant experiences. A busy person has no time to ask himself, “Why am I doing this?”. However, one can ignore internal issues for a long time, but not indefinitely. Sooner or later, chronic fatigue syndrome will certainly overtake – this is how repressed melancholy, fear, boredom manifest themselves.
To escape from the devastating cycle of endless meetings, faces, impressions, to feel the fullness of life – emotional and semantic – regularly pause. Short breaks will help you fully live every minute, correctly place accents, separating the really important from the secondary.
“Think of Others”
“Don’t be greedy, let the boy play with your typewriter”, “We must live together, give in to my sister.” From childhood, we learn to take into account the interests of others – this helps to build relationships and feel the respect of others. Problems begin when the motto “Think of others, not yourself” becomes the semantic dominant of our life. We sacrifice our own desires, we cannot say no, we constantly give more than we receive. We do this not out of the dictates of our hearts, but out of an unconscious fear of being rejected and unloved. Taking care of yourself starts to seem like something indecent, awkward. However, it is impossible not to think about yourself at all. As soon as we do something for ourselves, we are immediately overwhelmed by guilt: “I have no right to do this.”
It is important to rejoice in your successes, comparing them with your own experience, and not with the achievements of those around you.
This is skillfully used by other people: “If you love me, you must fulfill my request.” Or the person himself begins to blackmail others: “I do everything for you, and you! ..” As a result, striving for love, we achieve the opposite effect: we are not taken seriously, ignored, disliked.
It is important to realize: to defend your interests and desires, to refuse requests is normal. This does not mean that you will lose the love of others. The ability to defend personal boundaries will arouse interest and respect.
“You can do better!”
This is the catchphrase of teachers and parents. If we hear it too often, then eventually we ourselves begin to sincerely believe that we never do anything well enough. Our perception becomes black and white, and the phrase “all or nothing” becomes a motto.
The fear of ruining everything makes you put things off until the last minute, leave them halfway, or not take them at all. Sometimes, subconsciously, a person himself strives for failure in order to show others: “I can’t do better anymore.” If the achievements are obvious, he devalues them, attributes them to other people, inexplicable luck or even the intervention of higher powers.
To begin to enjoy your achievements, it is important to stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone knows the feeling of satisfaction: “I did it!” You can’t confuse it with anything, and it doesn’t depend on anyone’s opinion. Check with your own experience, sorting through childhood events in your memory. Remember, for example, how at first you did not know how to ride a bicycle, and then learned.
“Need to be strong”
“What was given for free, without effort and suffering, should not please.” “Keep emotions under lock and key – showing them is indecent.” “Never ask anyone for anything – you have to deal with problems yourself.” A child who often hears such messages from his parents begins to see the world in a distorted way. In the future, such attitudes greatly complicate relations with others. Trying always and in everything to be strong, we can get used to “push through” any situation to the detriment of the interests of others.
Accustomed to relying only on our own strength, we scold ourselves if, for example, a loved one is in danger. But not everything depends on us.
It is impossible to always be strong: repressed feelings will certainly manifest themselves in the form of bodily ailment, nervous breakdown, addiction to alcohol, gambling.
The ability to openly admit one’s weaknesses causes sympathy and respect.
It is important not to be shy to say how we really feel. This will allow you not to accumulate negative emotions and secure communication with others. A person who is able to openly admit his weaknesses causes much more sympathy and respect. It is useful to restate the original messages: “Be not just strong – be realistic. Focus your energies on what is within your control. If it’s difficult, don’t be afraid to say so.”
“Who knows, maybe it will come in handy”
Sometimes this phrase becomes a personal motto. Everyone has a friend who always has aspirin, an umbrella, napkins, a pen, scissors, and a band-aid at hand. At home he has a wonderful library, a pile of clothes from which the children have long grown, a supply of canned food, piles of old magazines. If frugality goes beyond reasonable limits, the house turns into a warehouse or even a dump. And one day it becomes impossible to part with a boring, but familiar job or end an obsolete relationship.
The reluctance to part with the past speaks of the fear of any change. But clinging to the past, we deprive ourselves of the future. Someone begins to eat “in reserve”, without feeling hungry, endlessly cleans the house or constantly washes their hands. All these are ways to calm down, compensate for the feeling of insecurity that arose in childhood, and most importantly, to hide from the real or imagined hostility of others.
How to deal with the fear of change? It is important to turn to the past, recognize the importance of past events and realize that now they are gone. They made room for new people and connections. The warmer the memory of the past we keep, the easier it will be for us to part with it and finally open up to the future.
About expert
Alexey Lunkov – psychologist, doctor of pedagogical sciences, co-author of the book “Learning to be happy.”