Personal space

Each person has his own: his things, his interests — and his personal space. Personal space is a space that a person considers his own property, and penetration there is a threat to himself and an encroachment on what belongs to him.

“I don’t like it when you wave your hands in front of my nose!” “Well, why are you standing behind me, breathing into the back of my head — it’s annoying me!”

Is personal space a given or an artifact?

​​​​​​​The concept of “personal space” has its roots in the “legacy” inherited by man from the animal world. Ethologist Konrad Lorenz linked the presence of individual distance in pack animals with their aggression. “A good example of this is the starlings, which sit on the telegraph wire at regular intervals, like pearls in a necklace. The distance between each two starlings exactly corresponds to their ability to reach each other with their beak. Immediately upon landing, starlings are placed randomly; but those who are too close to each other immediately start a fight, and this continues until the “prescribed” interval is established everywhere, very aptly designated by Hediger as an individual distance, ”he wrote. If the animals do not behave aggressively, they do not need individual distance. Lorentz writes: “In general, for pack animals, the absence of any kind of aggressiveness is typical, and at the same time the absence of individual distance. Herring and cyprinid shoal fish, not only when disturbed, but also at rest, hold on so tightly that they touch each other. Given that our distant ancestors are more likely to be pack animals, people, as a genus, due to their biological prerequisites, do not necessarily need individual distance. Or, in another way: they need exactly as much as they expect aggression in their direction.

To what extent does man remain an aggressive animal today, in need of a protective distance? Young children in prosperous families, up to a certain age, do not experience discomfort when a stranger comes close to them, very close, touches their noses or warmly slaps their buttocks. I checked repeatedly. Last time yesterday. The result is a null reaction. Children do not like formidable faces and threatening movements, they will move away from this, and in itself “violation of personal space” seems to be unknown and indifferent to them.

However, families are different, and the children themselves are not always angels. Not surprisingly, studies conducted with toddlers and kindergarteners have shown a preference for children to play together at a certain distance (forty centimeters for five-year-olds). At the same time, a certain pattern was revealed: “children of high rank, boys and girls, have a smaller individual distance than children of low rank” — the rank was determined on the basis of ethological criteria for dominance in play, subject, communicative activities. Naturally: if they were the first to pester and were not afraid of retaliatory aggression, for them the distance was less relevant.

As for adults, the patterns remain the same.

When a mother read that she has a personal personal space, she of course agreed with this, but at that moment her daughter ran up to her, hugged her tightly, hung on her neck and asked her for a strawberry from the refrigerator. Mom can allow it, she can forbid it, but not a single normal mother will worry at this moment about her daughter’s violation of her personal space … Next to her daughter, for her daughter, the mother has no personal space. If a close friend or relatives are nearby, no personal space is usually noted. Everyone is here, there is nothing to be afraid of.

But in groups and societies where the possibility of aggression is more likely, at the same time the need for protection and, accordingly, the topic of personal space are more relevant. The same is true for anxious people who are ready to see danger from others where it may not be. The more neurotic a person is, the more he wants to be more protected from strangers, he wants to have more personal space — and at the same time, the less he is able to insist on his personal space, he is poorly able to protect it. The more insecure a person is, the more relevant personal space is for him. The more anxious a person is, the worse he feels. when someone else comes close to him and especially from behind. On the contrary, for self-confident people who live surrounded by civilized people who are not prone to unmotivated aggression, the topic of protection and personal space is of little relevance.

In this regard, I have a hypothesis that for modern people, personal space is more of an artifact, a fiction, like once «caloric», and talking about personal space is just a phenomenon of modern culture and stroking an anxious reader. I think that the amount of personal space is a polite, politically correct name for the amount of our neuroticism. The size of personal space is a direct indicator of anxiety, and the amount of personal space is a beautiful name for the amount of personal fears of a person.

Say: “Girl, why are you so nervous, you don’t have to twitch when someone is next to you!” — this is impolite and insulting, but to formulate: “Yes, you are right, each person has his own personal space, where others are not allowed to invade!” — solidly and even somehow sincerely. This is how this scam took root.

However, not only anxious people insist on personal space, this topic is also relevant for people who assert their status. A person with the behavior “I am the Boss!” likes to capture the space around him: when he sits down, he puts his legs wide, spreads his arms wide, speaks loudly and arranges his things so that he is free and comfortable. «Personal space» is also a convenient excuse to grab yourself another extra space in the universe.

Practical application of knowledge about «personal space»

How to determine the size of the interlocutor’s personal space? “It’s easy if you’re careful. When you invade his personal space, he initially tenses up a little, and with repetition, he either shows displeasure or moves away from you.

When communicating, taking into account the size of personal space is the same as keeping the distance of communication.

And what to do with it? If you do not want to make a person uncomfortable — give him this comfort, do not invade his personal space (without preparation). If, on the contrary, you have a special task to create an uncomfortable environment for a person (this is necessary during difficult negotiations, when a partner behaves arrogantly and puts pressure on you), you can start invading his personal space. So do those who organize pressure on the interlocutor.

See how naturally Ostap Bender does it…

If you are not ready to go into open conflict, it is better to do it discreetly and under the pretext of caring.

For example, you are negotiating while sitting at a table and drinking tea. You begin to take care of your partner: without stopping the conversation, they put a bowl of fruit closer to him, moved the sugar bowl to him, put a spoon next to him … After a while, the person is surrounded by objects, begins to experience discomfort, but usually does not understand the cause of discomfort. He lost his way, and you can seize the initiative.

Is it possible to overcome the barrier of personal space? Yes, it happens and it is possible and necessary. The method, the algorithm is the same as for accustoming the interlocutor to touch during communication (“get access to the body”) — against a positive background of communication, gradually, with distraction. For more details, see Touch in communication.