Personal life of single mothers

About 5 million women in Russia raise their children alone. Torn between work and home, they struggle to find a place and time for love. A third of them have no sex life at all. Why this happens is pretty clear. But what can be done about it? How to find a balance between the role of mother and … women?

After a divorce, a woman raising a child becomes a hostage of motherhood, which interferes with her personal life. Intimate relationships recede into the background, lost among the worries associated with children, career, relationship with an ex-husband, household chores. It is not easy for “Cinderella” to find the time, strength and desire to drop a shoe somewhere (or rather, a house slipper) in order to give the applicant a chance to charm her. And even if everything goes well, the new chosen one has yet to ingratiate himself with the children …

Who are single mothers?

Despite the fact that in Russia the number of single mothers is in the millions, there are practically no studies on their sexual life. It seems that such women do not have desires and do not hope to start a new relationship, get married. Among the women with whom I was able to talk in the preparation of this material, about thirty are divorced, one is a widow. All of them live with children.

Breakups and divorces are often followed by a period of chaos. Women have to reorganize their lives. They simultaneously experience both fear and a desire to enjoy their newfound independence. It is difficult to survive this period of loneliness and panic.

“My life is home, work, a child,” says 29-year-old Maria, a financial analyst and mother of a one-year-old daughter. ‒ When I come home tired after spending a whole day away from my child, it’s hard for me to even think about going on a date. I take advantage of those rare weekends when my daughter is taken by her father to simply sleep. Friends are trying to get me somewhere, but their bachelor habits and pastimes are so far from mine today. I feel like a black sheep, and I am ashamed that my marriage did not work out. Having met a nice man, I immediately say: “I am divorced, I have a small child!” And that scares a lot of people.”

True Priorities

There are advantages to being alone: ​​it allows you to determine the true priorities in life. “I needed to regain my confidence,” Maria continues. ‒ I often feel anxious, afraid to be alone. Sometimes I meet with men, but things don’t go beyond the first date. I feel too fragile, vulnerable to start a new relationship.”

Temporary abstinence can be delayed – as a result of a conscious choice, due to feelings of guilt, lack of time or freedom. “Now it has all become too complicated. The last time I had sex was five years ago, and, perhaps, I can do without it,” says 32-year-old Elena.

“I felt sorry for my son, who became aggressive when a man appeared next to me. And then, no one helped me, and I didn’t have money for a nanny,” explains 43-year-old Marina, the mother of a teenager. Elena and Marina are no exception: 35% of single women do not have sexual relations.

For 36-year-old Ekaterina, an anesthesiologist, the adaptation period proceeded differently.

“My marriage has been cracking for a long time … I have had enough time to get used to the idea that I will be raising two daughters on my own, and to complete my studies and become psychologically independent.” The last one turned out to be the most difficult.

“I had to give up the utopian idea that one day a man would come and save me… I found myself face to face with the obvious fact: I am alone in the whole wide world.”

These findings, combined with a “real need for sex,” pushed her to find a lover among friends, “without the risk of falling in love.” “However, given my night duty and busy day, there was no chance of meeting on neutral territory. As a result, the friend agreed to come to our house from time to time.

What was the reaction of the teenage daughters? “They tried everything: embarrassment, ridicule, indifference, charm, blackmail (“If he comes again, we will go to dad”), feigned tenderness (“We are so good together”). But I didn’t give up: I told them that I understand everything, but I’m not ready to give up relationships with men. Today they behave with my lover in the same way as with my other friends.

“The Period of Weak Ties”

Once in the role of the head of the family, a single mother does not want to stay alone for a long time, but strives not to violate the status quo that has arisen. Jean-Claude Kaufman, a sociologist and author of A Single Woman and a Charming Prince, calls this “a period of weak ties.”

“My lover, fiancé, boyfriend—I don’t know how to call him better—my ex-husband’s friend,” says 34-year-old Galina. ‒ Even two years after my divorce, we do not advertise this relationship. I want to be confident in a partner and have no desire to introduce my son to a string of my admirers.

Finding a balance between common sense and desire

The dual role of woman and mother requires subtle, clever play. It is important not to harm the child, who feels that the mother is slipping away from him, and not to offend the new friend, with whom the relationship is still kept secret.

“I think I manage to keep my balance thanks to the “counter” in my head,” continues Galina. ‒ How many times this week have I gone somewhere with a child? How much time did you spend with a friend? Of course, this requires good organization and control. But as a result, it only increases the desire and allows me to get more pleasure from the time that I spend with the two closest people.

The time resource of single mothers is limited, and at least one of the sides of the resulting triangle has grievances.

“I get only crumbs,” the lovers grumble.

“Are you going somewhere again?” – children are offended.

“Single mothers have to pay the price of a difficult transition period when a new coordinate system has not yet been created,” explains Jean-Claude Kaufman. Raising children alone is not an easy task, especially if the father does not help.

New marriage

According to statistics, about 30% of divorced women in Russia remarry, often to divorced men. This is explained by the fact that having children from a first marriage deters bachelors.

“Having learned about my situation, some men simply disappeared, others understood that the relationship would have to take into account the presence of children,” 38-year-old Natalya reflects. She has been living with Denis for two years now, who also has a divorce behind him.

“For some time we met secretly. He and his friends came to visit me, then he moved into the category of friends, then there were joint trips on vacation … So gradually connections arose between him and my children.

Natalya recalls that she had to have a serious talk with the children before Denis moved in with them. “This person means a lot to me, I would like him to live with us,” she said. “If you agree, I suggest you give it a try.” Her children, six and eight years old, didn’t mind. Nevertheless, sometimes Natalia has to deal with their “possessive” behavior.

Psychotherapists say that the appearance of a new man means the collapse of a cherished dream that after a divorce, mother and father will reconcile. The appearance of a new family member is accompanied by difficulties: collisions and conflicts are possible both with children who feel comfortable alone with their mother, and with a “stranger”, who, in addition, often brings his own children to the house. This is normal: you cannot become a father, son or sister overnight.

A teenage girl recalls the appearance of a mother’s friend in their family: “For a long time I was sad about the times when my mother and I lived together. It took me a long time to begin to appreciate this man who seemed to spend all his time in the armchair watching the TV, and also to come to terms with the transformation of my mother from an independent woman to a housewife on the stove.

It is difficult for both children and adults to realize that from this moment a new chapter in their life begins.

“The new union functions according to different rules,” Natalia reflects. “Now both they and the roles in the family are more clearly defined. In everyday life, I play the role of “mother-father” for children. My man for them is a friend of their mother, he has no power. We share this power with their father.”

The role of the father

In families that have gone all the way: from a complete family through divorce and an incomplete family (with one parent) to a family with a new partner, everyone can create ties, break them or create anew. Any new situation on this path is a test, and it is easier for a single mother to go through it if the father of the children has not abandoned his role: if the children spend time at his house, and he himself takes on a share of responsibility for their upbringing. This helps a woman avoid the temptation to shift responsibility to a new friend.

Each single mother builds a new life in her own way, balancing between parental responsibilities and the hope that she has a future as a woman. The main thing is not to perceive the child either as an obstacle to a new happy life, or as a defense against loneliness.