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Relatives, colleagues, and friends sometimes try to violate our borders. We ourselves sometimes play the role of invaders and tyrants, we are afraid to appear “bad” or accept someone else’s right to opinion. Why do we all do this and how can we learn to behave differently? About this and not only — regressologist and coach Olga Ostarova.
“I just wish you well”, “I want the best”, “I put my whole soul into you, and you …” Many have heard such statements addressed to them at least once. What is hiding behind these phrases — sincere anxiety or attempts to manipulate, to invade other people’s borders without asking?
Children and parents
Each of us from the moment of birth is surrounded by people, everyone is faced with the fact that someone knows better how we can live better. They try to inspire us with truths that seem to be to our advantage. But is it so? Do other people’s rules help us?
The parents of our parents and themselves were brought up in a system of severe restrictions and obedience. It all started with feeding by the hour, with «don’t pick him up, let him cry.» And then — a kindergarten, where there was an all-powerful teacher. She decided when the children went to bed, when to eat, when to play.
Then the school began with its own laws and its own «rulers of fate», and behind it — the institute, work, public, party organizations. Where was it to learn to respect one’s boundaries, to defend one’s will? We need a co-dependent relationship, it’s scary to be left without a “guide”, without someone who will explain what is right and what is not. And in turn, we do not know how to let go, to give freedom to another.
As a result, we get stuck within the system of co-dependent relationships, which is also called the Karpman triangle. Draw it. The top is the Persecutor, the next corner is the Victim, the third corner is the Rescuer. In all codependent relationships, we play these roles, and try on each of them in turn.
For example, a mother comes up to a child and says: «Sit down and eat, otherwise it will get cold.» And she doesn’t care if he’s hungry or not. At this point, she is a Persecutor, a manipulator and a tyrant. And the child is a victim. He sits at the table with tears in his eyes and eats what he does not like and does not want. But he has no choice but to cry. Then the mother realizes that she went too far and turns into a Rescuer, and a child who feels superior — “you realized that you were wrong” — turns into a Persecutor.
Similar situations can be repeated indefinitely, you are forty years old or four years old. Because co-dependent relationships are a system, and in order to destroy it, someone needs to step out of the role first.
How to do it?
You need to learn to recognize the moments when you become the Persecutor, the Victim or the Rescuer. Because if there is a habit of playing such roles, there will be a situation that you will take advantage of or in which you will be taken advantage of. It should be remembered that the Victim has no voice, and power has nothing to do with love.
A small child cannot resist a parent, such a thing will not even occur to him. But an adult is able to «get out of the game.» It is clear that it is difficult to fix relationships with parents, but every time you feel that they are behaving according to the old pattern, just get out of it with the words: “Mom, I love you too.” And do it your way. There is no need to prove anything and engage in controversy.
Parents are so used to it, they were taught that way, and you can deliberately violate the established order. Say, «Mom, dad, please stop, I love you too.» Don’t let yourself become the Victim, the Persecutor, or the Rescuer. If one of you starts to change, maybe the rest of you can too.
Many are trying to «pull out» their parents and husbands. But it doesn’t work. Your time has come if you recognize the problem. Focus on yourself, which is important.
Man and woman
It is believed that relationships are an endless struggle. For some reason, we think that if we start to command or obey our partner, then success is guaranteed. We are so afraid of being alone that we begin to manipulate, play along, adapt. Trying to control a partner with sex, care or money. But in the end, we are left with nothing, because in the long run, manipulations do not work the way we would like.
You can learn a hundred sexual positions or a thousand recipes for delicious dishes, sooner or later the deception will be revealed. Although, of course, if we do it for mutual pleasure, everything is fine. But, unfortunately, very often we suppress our will for the sake of another and find ourselves in a co-dependent relationship in which one partner subjugates the other only so that his boundaries are not violated, and the ego does not suffer.
Self-doubt, fear that we will be hurt, become the reasons why from time to time we are guided by harmful formulas: “if he leaves, I will die” or “I need to crush him so that everything goes my way”, “I am not sure about myself, I will make of it what I can manage”, “I doubt that he loves and chooses, so I will be comfortable, anyone — the one that he definitely needs.”
But in this game, concessions are not disinterested. Submitting, we are already planning revenge and will definitely take revenge later.
For example, we ask a partner to take us to the store, he replies that today we are watching football at home together. We seem to agree: “Let it be, I will do as he wants.” And then the tyrant inside raises his head: “I’ll show you! I won’t cook, I’ll take the money without asking.”
How to reclaim your boundaries
How to prevent this in your relationship with a partner, parents, children or friends? You need to watch when you start playing roles from the triangle.
Only if you can see when you yourself are in the position of the Victim, the Persecutor or the Rescuer, can you break the codependency mechanism. Complete tasks to better recognize roles and feel your boundaries.
Task 1.
1. Imagine your partner, parent or child.
2. Draw three columns: Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer.
3. Write down in what situations and who you are with the chosen person, how you manifest yourself, why you like to manage, why you have to endure.
4. Remember when you thought: “Yes, now I am a victim, but I will take revenge on you.” When you realize that you went too far, why do you strive to make peace and make amends?
Task 2.
1. Stand against a wall. Rest your palms on the wall and begin to put pressure on it. Feel where the body is most tense. And where, on the contrary, there was a weakness. Describe your feelings.
2. Define your boundaries for each group of people. For example: “My family can approach me within 2 meters. My husband can approach me at a distance of 5 centimeters at any time. Friends can approach me at a distance of a meter at any time. Etc.
3. Answer the questions: Do you have time every day just for yourself? Do you have the opportunity to retire? Do you have the right to mind your own business? Do you allow yourself to express your opinion? Do you have the right to choose what you want? Can you say «no»?
4. Write at least twenty do’s and don’ts to make you feel comfortable. For example: “My boundaries: do not wipe the table in front of me when I eat. Don’t go into the bathroom when I’m washing. Don’t bother me shopping. Don’t hug me at night if I don’t want to.»
How not to be afraid to be «bad»
The fear of becoming “bad” is also a violation of boundaries. A person does not give himself the right to express his opinion.
Everyone has the right to time, freedom of thought, to their own resources and to any feelings. Why do we want to impose our opinion? Why is it difficult for us to let a person think the way he wants? Because we don’t know its limits. Accordingly, we do not know our own.
To build boundaries, you must first recognize the need to do so. And then you can see them. If we buy a piece of land, do we know its territory? In the same way, it is necessary to internally outline your personal boundaries.