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One of the most common reasons that relationships come to an end is the violation of personal and shared boundaries. Psychologist Sergey Artemiev tells how to understand who and where violates your boundaries, and where you do it yourself, even if unwittingly, and how you can change the situation.
Each of us has personal boundaries — rigid or flexible, adequate or distorted, open or closed, dense or transparent, small or large. Moreover, when interacting with different people in different situations, boundaries can change their characteristics.
If a person does not feel his own boundaries, most often he does not notice the boundaries of others. Why is this happening? The reasons may be different — for example, it may be that in childhood:
- The child did not have his own room or his own space where he could set his own rules and simply retire.
- At any moment, they entered the room or the bathroom without knocking.
- Parents demanded to tell about each step or did it themselves, dedicating the child to too personal details of their lives.
- Decisions were made for the child without learning about his needs.
- The child experienced the experience of moral or physical abuse.
If something like this happened to a person in childhood and adolescence, it is likely that, as an adult, he does not feel the boundaries of other people and violates them without wanting to.
Often one partner begins to consider the other part of his territory and dictate his own rules
Most of us in a relationship find our boundaries different from those of the other person, and this leads to tension and conflict. For example, if someone came to visit us and began to look into all the rooms, touch personal belongings … Or if we ourselves demand a full account from the partner, where and with whom he spent the day, this may indicate a problem with awareness of boundaries.
Another problem is that we consider other people, objects, or spaces to be part of our personal territory. For example, from the victim in an accident you can hear: “My wing was scratched” — by this, of course, he will mean the wing of the car. Or a woman may feel that it is she who should decide for her 30-year-old son where he works and who he meets.
Often such a problem arises in marriage, when one partner begins to consider the other part of his territory and dictate his own rules.
Common Boundaries
When we are in partnership, we have common boundaries — for example, the boundaries of a couple or an organization. The territory within these boundaries is no longer only ours — it is common, while inside it are the personal boundaries of each of us.
In a common area, it is important to take into account the boundaries and needs of everyone — the internal climate depends on this. No less important is the external climate — it depends on how much all participants cherish the boundaries of the common.
How can common boundaries be violated or destroyed?
- To take out personal information about one of the partners or relations with him in the external field without agreement. For example, share with your mother or girlfriend the details of your relationship with your husband.
- Invite someone to a common area without the consent of the other participants.
- Use the shared resources for your own purposes or at your own discretion without discussion with other participants.
- Make independent decisions about common issues. For example, to exclude a partner from making decisions about a child.
What to do if you violate the boundaries of another person
First of all, be aware of where and how you allow your personal boundaries to be violated — perhaps because of this, you consider yourself entitled to do the same with other people. Start to notice how and where you violate the boundaries of someone else’s space. You can notice this by the distance from others around you, their tension and irritation. If you notice a negative reaction, ask clarifying questions: “Do I understand correctly that you are uncomfortable talking about this, or did it seem to me?”
If you have already violated the boundaries and the person has moved away from you or there has been a conflict, stop the offensive and take a few steps back, switch your attention to your interests and return to the question when it is appropriate and the emotions subside.
What to do when someone violates your boundaries
Sincerely, calmly, without accusations and claims, indicate your needs. Ask the interlocutor to behave differently this time. Do not ask him to change once and for all — this is not only impossible, but also causes resistance, since it broadcasts a message to the person that something is wrong with him. After asking for something specific a few times, you may find that the person behaves differently towards you.
You can also agree with the offender on a “code word” (“red”, “stop” or any other), which will mean that all actions at that moment stop. If the person does not hear your requests and continues to advance, try to distance yourself and, if necessary, enlist someone’s support.
If you find yourself out of control because of pain or fear, continue to violate someone’s boundaries, or attract those who violate yours, try to learn effective communication skills.