Losing a baby is difficult for parents. The ordeal is all the harder because it is unnatural: death occurs at the moment when life was to be born. In France, perinatal death affects around 7 births in 1000. The subject is still taboo and bereaved couples can feel alone and abandoned with their suffering. How to overcome this difficult test? Response elements.

According to the World Health Organization, perinatal bereavement means the loss of a baby between 22 weeks of gestation (WA) and the 7th day of life after birth. However in France, since 2008 it has been possible to recognize the child from 14 weeks old.

Despite the progress made in supporting couples facing perinatal death, much remains to be done. The subject is little discussed and bereaved parents do not always know where to turn for support during this difficult time.

The intra-fetal bond being very strong, the mother seems particularly affected by the loss of this baby which she carried and felt growing inside her. Women will also tend to project themselves into a new life as soon as the pregnancy is announced. This is why women who have suffered a miscarriage (early or late), an abortion (voluntary termination of pregnancy), an IMG (medical termination of pregnancy) or a GEU (ectopic pregnancy) may also experience a state of more or less long and intense mourning.

The trauma is sometimes all the harder as the pregnancy has been a long obstacle course and another pregnancy is difficult to imagine. The woman is then confronted with a second mourning: that of being a mother or having another child. Whatever the situation and the term at which the perinatal death occurs, the woman has the right to mourn. His suffering is legitimate and immediate but also long-term support will help him get through the ordeal.

The experience of fathers

The father often mourns in the shadow of his wife. Not feeling legitimate to suffer as much as her, he will tend to suppress his emotions which are also intense, although they are different because each parent experiences grief in their own way. Lost in the face of the situation and feeling helpless to support his wife, he will experience a deep sense of helplessness, while at the same time making his own journey of mourning. He will keep the depth of his suffering to himself and hide his feelings so as not to affect his partner more. It is also the father who will often take charge of the administrative procedures, the daily life of the couple as well as the care of the children, if the couple has any.

When faced with bereavement, parents will experience strong emotions and string together different states which are all necessary and legitimate and are part of the process. Thus, the announcement of the news will be followed by a state of shock and astonishment. The parent is in denial and refuses to admit the reality. The feelings are numb, the person feels empty, lost, detached from reality.

Little by little, the parent fully realizes the loss. The void gives way to anger and guilt, towards others and towards oneself. The parent may in particular feel anger towards the medical team who did not know how to prevent the incident or save the baby. Many mothers will feel a strong sense of guilt about themselves, often blaming themselves for things that have nothing to do with the cause of death. Eating disorders (loss of appetite or eating compulsions), muscle pain, sleep disorders, temporary decline in cognitive functions such as memory or concentration are also observed in parents.

Gradually the parents will learn to live with their bereavement. After a period of critical suffering comes the need for renewal. The pain subsides. Life takes back its rights. The parent accepts the bereavement and now lives it in a more serene and peaceful way. This is the time when the couple will often consider a new pregnancy, without the lost baby being forgotten or put in the background.

It is above all necessary to offer the lost baby a real place: in particular, give him a first name, write him down when possible in the family record book, bury him, organize a funeral ritual. There is no defined process, it is up to parents to choose the steps that they think are fair and necessary. However, it is essential that the couple grieve fully before considering a new pregnancy. Giving a new child the first name of the lost baby is strongly discouraged, each child should have their own unique place.

Give yourself the right to mourn

Perinatal grief is a long process that takes time, for some people it will last a lifetime. It is important to welcome your suffering, to give yourself as much time as necessary to experience the emotions that accompany mourning, it is an essential step to get better. Each parent will go through the ordeal at their own pace. Pain and deep hopelessness are essential to move on to rebuilding.

Invite symbolism

It can be difficult to mourn a child you haven’t known. Calling on symbolism can help in this sense. Parents can plant a tree, write a letter, and keep preciously objects that remind them of the lost baby. Some parents will use writing or sports as an outlet.

Perinatal bereavement is often accompanied by a deep reflection on oneself, especially in mothers, and can serve as a starting point for a renewal, for example, a reorganization of the house, a move or a new professional project.

Seek help

A professional specializing in support for perinatal bereavement can provide invaluable support through individual or couple support. Some medical establishments offer support and support groups to help parents get through this ordeal. Perinatal bereavement support associations also offer a space for speaking and listening and allow you to meet other parents who have experienced bereavement. There are also support and mutual aid groups on social networks that can serve as a forum for discussion with other people facing the loss of a baby.