Contents
We are glad to welcome you, dear readers of Valery Kharlamov’s blog! Today we will try to find the answer to the question of who perfectionists are, find out what levels are and when exactly you need to start controlling yourself and try to change your attitude to what is happening.
Structure
The psychologist Holender was the first to explain this concept, and it sounded something like this:
“Perfectionism is the daily increased demands on one’s activities and personality. The heightened requirements are determined by the fact that circumstances do not require and do not dictate such a level of quality at all.
Another psychologist, Burns, made additions, believing that such people’s thinking is built on the principle — either to do it according to the highest class or not at all. Only now the desire to be perfect leads to a complete devaluation of one’s efforts and labors, if it suddenly turns out that even the smallest detail could have been done better.
So, according to their structure, they distinguish:
1. I-addressing
Judging by the name, it is clear that the requirements are directed by the person directly to himself. As if a small and very tough, merciless censor lives inside, which criticizes any actions and thoughts. A person seems to be striving for perfection and ideality, but somewhere he goes too far. Yes, so much so that he ceases to forgive himself the slightest mistakes and failures.
He has too high expectations for himself and sometimes it seems that the bar he set for himself is impossible for a mortal person. The intensity of the experience varies. In mild cases, high expectations contribute to success and quality work. But in severe cases it leads to neurosis and depression.
2. Requirements for others
In this case, dissatisfaction with the mental and physical abilities of the people with whom you have to contact. They say about such a person that «he does not see his own log in the eye.» Because basically the behavior is hostile with constant condemnation, and it seems that the canons of perfection do not concern his personality at all. This style of communication makes it difficult to “build” close and trusting relationships. Against the background of loneliness, he will be even more convinced of the «clumsiness» and unworthiness of those around him.
It is difficult if such a person occupies a leadership position. Subordinates will never hear praise in their address, no matter how they give their best in work. There may be a commitment to the idea that if someone has done a good job, it makes no sense to talk about it, and so it would be clear. It is better to focus on the details that could be improved.
3. Addressing dissatisfaction to the whole world
There are beliefs that everything in this world should be structured, clearly and correctly. Therefore, there is a lot of disappointment, impotence and irritation when the problem that has arisen is not solved instantly by those structures that are obliged to deal with it. After all, in the head the picture of the world is arranged in a completely different way, and does not coincide with reality in any way. Let’s assume that there is a human factor, due to which mistakes can be made, that everything does not always go according to plan, and that it is impossible to anticipate absolutely all possible difficulties.
4. Socially imposed
There is a strong belief that close or simply significant people, whether it be a boss or just a colleague, expect higher performance both in work and in personal life, self-development. And then he lives and does something, not because he wants it so much, but because others seem to want it so from him.
It happens when, for example, parents want their child to be very successful and smart. But, no matter how high marks he brings from school, he will not receive approval, recognition or even love, but only moralizing that he needs to do more and give all the best. Then he realizes that he is not capable of doing something even better in order to meet expectations, but he still tries, without losing hope for a miracle.
Often such children grow up and really achieve tremendous success, only in addition they acquire some kind of psychosomatic or neurotic disorder, they stop feeling the whole range of emotions, being in a constant useless race for approval, even if their parents are no longer alive.
Types
Psychologist Donald Hamachek was the first to discover that there are various effects of increased demands. That is, whether it is good or bad depends precisely on the feelings that push the perfectionist to accomplish or arise subsequently. In connection with these observations, he identified two species:
1. Constructive
Or, as they call it, healthy. Such a person develops leadership qualities and a desire to win, he is confident in his abilities, and also never rests on his laurels. A high bar makes him excited, with which he immediately gets to work. At the same time, he knows how to notice reality, that is, he understands what is beyond his capabilities, and what exactly he is able to master.
Each task is perceived as a test of one’s strengths, from which such a person always goes to the end, not giving up and not stopping in case of failures, which are perceived only with even greater excitement, because they bring variety and liveliness to the process. It is very important that he knows how to enjoy not only the results, but really the activity itself.
2. Destructive
Or neurotic, because it is really usually accompanied by a neurosis. The difference with the previous one is that the level of claims exceeds the real possibilities. That is, the first goes towards achievements, and this one, on the contrary, tries to escape from experiences. Such a person, as it were, “does not have a function” responsible for a feeling of satisfaction and relaxation.
Constant companions are fear and anxiety, the need for respect and acceptance is too bare. But it is naked, because such a person is not able to feel full, and even if support and recognition come from outside, he simply will not notice it and will not appropriate it for himself. Sometimes it seems that he deliberately sets himself goals that do not correspond to his capabilities in order to feel suffering, punishing himself for something in such a clumsy way.
Formation
Perfectionism originates in childhood, because the conditions in which a child grows up provide the basis for his future life, lay the styles of response, behavior and self-perception. And if the people who surround him do not know how to support and rejoice in his successes, forgive mistakes and be there at times when he is hurt or scared.
In adulthood, he will have to make a lot of efforts to change the quality of his life. After all, he is not only afraid that others will condemn him and reject him, as in childhood, but he himself does not know how to accept himself as he is, and, accordingly, what kind of self-esteem can we talk about, or joy and the ability to live here and now, but not in anxieties and fantasies?
Destructiveness usually manifests itself under the following conditions:
- in authoritarian families. Everything should be clear, the desktop is perfectly clean, the clothes are without a single fold, the bed is made according to army canons, the behavior is certainly correct and well-mannered, and these requirements, for example, are for a first grader. Unfortunately, such a model of upbringing was considered normal in Soviet times, a person was obliged to improve for the benefit of society, and his personal needs should not be taken into account, only it is difficult for the psyche to cope with such pressure, which is why its destruction occurs.
- In families where the parents themselves are perfectionists. After all, a child unconsciously copies the behavior of adults who are involved in his upbringing and nurturing.
- When loved ones do not give approval at all, or only in cases where the baby has done a good deed. Due to the feeling of lack of attention and love, the child may constantly strive for achievements in order to get at least a little warmth. Over time, this will become his stable form of behavior and style of communication with other people.
- When the expectations of parents, or those who replace them, are too high. It seems that such a good desire for the son to become the President of the country in which he was born may well lead to neurosis if attempts to choose a profession on their own are suppressed, or disappointment is felt from the fact that completely different aspirations have arisen.
Recommendations
- Before thinking about how to get rid of this disorder, you should realize that this way of thinking is harmful to your personality. Write a list of 10 things you don’t like, and then reformulate each one into an advantage. It is very important to overcome the resistance and depreciation that will inevitably arise in the process.
- Although it is difficult, try to trust others. Suppose it seems to you that no one will do this job better than you, so you spend almost 24 hours a day and 7 days a week doing it? Start delegating responsibilities and sharing responsibilities, otherwise you risk falling out of the process altogether, losing your health and job.
- When you are afraid to make a mistake, set yourself a seemingly absurd task — to relax and make it intentionally. Allow yourself a mess in the room, scattered papers on the table and out of order folders or jars. The psychology of a person is such that what he is more afraid of, he secretly desires more. Because fear contains a lot of energy that can be realized and released, or kept inside, bringing the body to stress and the formation of a phobia. I recommend in addition to read an article about getting rid of fears.
- If you can accept yourself as you are, then you will understand that others know how to love not only for achievements and beauty, but for perfection in some way. The closeness of the relationship lies in the fact that people, despite the shortcomings, still want to be together, allow yourself to experience it, to be imperfect, but real and alive.
- Think about what brings you pleasure, and be sure to include it in your list of daily plans. Walking, collecting coins, knitting, cooking or feeding street animals — the main thing is that you really rejoice and enjoy the process, and not from a sense of accomplishment, for show, and so on.
Conclusion
Perfectionism, what it is, in fact, everyone determines for himself. If you notice that you are exhausted and dissatisfied, then it’s time to take some action to change. And if you are comfortable and happy, then why not enjoy your pursuit of excellence? Good luck to you and strength on the way to achieving your goal!
The material was prepared by Zhuravina Alina.