Perfectionism gets in the way of enjoying sex

When, in her student years, Victoria first began dating a guy, she was naive, insecure and afraid that he would leave her if she was not perfect in bed. Victoria was solely concerned with his pleasure, ignoring her own. She tried her best to make an unforgettable impression and satisfy her partner so that he wanted her again and again.

“So it was with my first man, then with those with whom I spent one night, and with the second permanent partner. This is a pattern of behavior that cannot be taken and turned off,” she says.

Now Victoria is 23, and she is terribly tired of pretending to have a fake orgasm. She would like to finally learn to manage her sexuality. But all these years she has been so consumed by the idea of ​​being the perfect partner that she is unable to enjoy sex and still does not understand how this is possible.

“Even with my current friend, with whom we have been together for two years, I feel huge disappointment in this regard. He has no idea about anything and thinks that everything is fine, but discontent is accumulating in me. And all because of sex,” she admits.

Victoria is not alone in this. There are many people whose sex life is poisoned by perfectionism. Sexologist Ian Kerner confirms that this is a fairly common phenomenon: people are under pressure to have sex often, be always ready for it, strive for a variety of positions and techniques, and be sure to bring a partner / partner to orgasm.

Such perfectionism often forces a person to play during sex the “role of an observer”, who does not immerse himself in the process, but evaluates himself from the outside all the time. Kerner notes that this can increase levels of anxiety and stress, which inhibit arousal. This is especially true for women.

“There have been studies where scientists have looked at the changes in the brains of men and women with masturbation and orgasm using CT scans,” says Kerner. “When comparing the responses of the male and female brains, it turned out that the more excited women were, the more they suppressed activity in those areas of the brain that are associated with stress and anxiety.”

As orgasm approaches, women enter a state close to trance. But this only happens if certain areas of the brain are inactive. Therefore, if during sex they are focused on achieving certain goals, they may experience anxiety that prevents arousal.

A recent study at the University of Kent examined the long-term effects that perfectionism has on sex life. In particular, it turned out that women who believe that a partner makes unthinkably high demands on them were predisposed to sexual dysfunctions. This included expectations about their appearance, their willingness to have sex often, and to try different positions.

This partner-imposed perfectionism increases anxiety and contributes to women’s low self-esteem, which affects their ability to enjoy sex. Rachel Sussman, a family therapist, says that often among the couples who turn to her for help, one of the spouses has such perfectionist demands. They may complain that the other one has put on a few extra pounds, doesn’t dress like that, or has become less sexually attractive.

“When these reproaches come from the mouth of a man, a woman usually begins to think of herself: “I’m not good enough, I’m not beautiful enough, I’m not sexy enough,” Sussman explains. — Well, how can she be sensual after that? Will she be tempted to rip off her clothes and have passionate, dirty sex?

Of course, ideally, a partner will never make a woman complex because of her appearance. Sussman emphasizes that for a happy sex life, partners need to make it clear to each other that they are desired. Agreeing with this, Kerner notes that anxiety is especially disturbing in the early stages of arousal. As the excitement builds up in the brain, a real neurochemical “cocktail” is produced, which contributes to more and more complete emancipation.

Women who are held back by their own self-imagined standards, as well as those who are overwhelmed by the perfectionistic demands of their partners, should try to achieve a higher degree of arousal in order to reduce anxiety. “You can fantasize during sex, share fantasies with a partner, watch (ethical) porn,” advises Kerner.

For women like Victoria, it is also important to start discussing with a partner what they like and dislike about sex: positions, environment, lighting, clothing, erogenous zones.

“We don’t discuss any difficult issues with partners: money, problems at work and with friends, household affairs, each other’s parents, and so on,” says Kerner. “After all, talking about sex is not that different from talking about many other topics.”