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“Perfect love does not exist, but complete love does”
Couple
Nashma Brou, psychologist and couples therapist, reveals the three ingredients that are part of a complete and stable couple relationship
We often refer to love couple as if it were a blind or even irrational feeling. But this happens because we tend to confuse it with falling in love, an emotional state that is capable of creating a real chaos within us. But, as the psychologist and therapist Nashma Brou explains, in reality the love of a couple is calm, safe, kind and considerate. And, although he assures that perfect love does not existYes, she is convinced that we can achieve complete love. How? Trying to take care of these three ingredients so that they are always present in the relationship.
One of the elements is the ‘Eros‘, which is related to concepts such as attraction, eroticism, sex and desire. “It is an element that pushes and that drives,” explains Brou. Another essential ingredient is the so-called ‘philia‘, which has to do with friendship, communication, trust and the need to share projects. “This is what makes us think and connect with the other,” he says. And thirdly, although it does not have to be the most or the least important, the ‘agape‘, which refers to tenderness, compassion and sweetness. “It is what unites us altruistically to the other,” says Brou.
“When a relationship contains these three elements or ingredients on a regular basis, it is when it feels complete and stable,” he says. However, he clarifies that, when including these ingredients in the relationship, each couple will have to determine what is the combination that works for them, because in some cases one element will be more present and in other cases, it will be another, but what is clear, as recommended by Brou, is that all three must be present because if one of them is missing, we cannot speak of a complete love. For example, if passion and tenderness are present in a relationship, but there is no friendship or life projects in common, it could be said, according to Brou, that this relationship is not only incomplete but also “limps.”
The languages of love
But in addition to containing these ingredients the love It should not be something static, but dynamic, as it is advisable to do daily tasks of care y maintenance. «I like to compare the love of a couple with a house that we cannot leave abandoned because if we do, we will not feel that it is our home or we will not be comfortable in it. You have to clean it, take care of it, decorate it, fix what doesn’t work, paint it when the walls turn dark… ”, he proposes. And in this maintenance work, each couple has to find their own codes or their own language of love. Thus, the expert cites as a reference the work of Gary Chapman ‘The five love languages: the secret of lasting love’ (‘The 5 love languages: the secret to love that lasts’) in which reference is made to the five ways to give and receive love. One of them is the expression of the love of verb form (Say nice words to the other and I feel pleasure listening to them). Another is the quality time (To value the enjoyment of activities together, to find moments of intimacy and to feel prioritized in the agenda of the person they love). Another way of expressing love is through gift delivery or details (giving material attention and emotional surprises). It would also be the way of expressing love in the form of favors or acts of service (Which is the one in which doing something for the other is valued above all else). And finally, a fifth language of love would be one that is expressed through the physical contact (hugs, caresses, kisses, massages, touches …). Thus, when it comes to caring for and watering love, Brou considers it important that each of the members of the couple be aware not only of the way of expressing love that makes the other happy the most, but also the way that makes the other happy. the same.
The vulnerability that binds
La channels and the Trust These are words that are commonly cited when talking about the pillars in the couple. But when referring to these concepts, the psychologist emphasizes the importance of going beyond communication to enter the connection. «Deep communication or connection implies investigating, deepening, really being interested in the other, knowing what they like and what they don’t and also understanding their dark parts. We find love when we connect deeply with a person and for this it is important to expose ourselves emotionally to the other or, in short, show our vulnerability. From vulnerability we connect deeply with the other and that is where love is born. In a relationship with a partner, the connection with the vulnerability of the other is fundamental ”, he argues.
Therefore, if communication is to be deep, one of the aspects that becomes even more important is the need to train, practice and perfect the ‘active listening‘, implying do not judge and do not intervene, but to be genuinely interested in the other and in what worries him or makes him happy. In this sense, the expert makes an interesting nuance that she has been able to verify in the consultation during her couples therapy because, as he assures, men and women manage the empathy with the other in a very different way (“It is not a question of gender, but rather an aspect related to the different areas that are activated in the brain in men and women in similar situations,” he clarifies). Thus, the psychologist reveals that while they often try to provide a practical solution to the concerns or issues raised, they only seek to share what they feel, feel understood or even vent. “They don’t want solutions but relief and understanding,” says Brou.
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Where you put the focus is your happiness
Finally, the psychologist emphasizes the need to do a self-analysis to know where we focus when we think about our personal relationships. And to do this, he proposes asking himself the following questions: “Are you looking at what you have or what you lack?”, “Do you usually take care of what depends on you or worry about what does not depend on you?” Do you look to the past or to the future instead of staying in the present? ” The ideal is, as the expert proposes, to value what we have, focus on what depends on us and not on others or the context and live in it. present and not in a future that can create anxiety for fear or worry or in a past that can also create anxiety, but because it connects with grief, sadness or guilt. «In a relationship it is so important to accept as to adapt. But you have to adapt what you can and when accepting it is not about resigning yourself but about valuing what you have, perceiving it from a feeling of gratitude», He clarifies.