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“People believe that we can all reach orgasm and that is not true”
Couple
Could you describe what an orgasm feels like? When we talk about orgasm we usually use words such as ecstasy, climax, culmination, intense pleasure … But the truth is that, as recognized by the psychologist and sexologist Raquel Graña, even today it is still a feeling that is difficult to define or describe in a precise way with the words. What he is clear about, contrary to popular belief, is that this experience has a more mental or cerebral component than a physical one. The proof is, he argues, that if a person has an emotional or psychological block or has suffered abuse at some point in their life, it will cost them much more to feel pleasure in sex.
The sexologist, who has just published the book “Sex on” (Ed. Vergara), a guide for adolescents to discover the keys to a healthy sexuality, assures that there are many more cases of anorgasmia of which we believe, but which is something that is not usually talked about. «People who ask me why they don’t have orgasms are usually around 35 years old. Most feel, however, that they have a happy and complete life in their relationships and say that they do enjoy sex. It could be said that they do not miss what they have not felt, although they are aware that they can enjoy more but, somehow, they affirm that they stop it or block it because they prefer not to lose control, “he explains.
This need to avoid a “loss of control” is precisely one of the reasons that leads to fake orgasm. “That fear of letting go or losing control implies a greater level of intimacy. Some people are not used to feeling something so intense and prefer to block it out, ”he details. Other reasons that can lead to fake orgasm have to do with lack of trust and communication, fear of the other’s opinion (“What will he think of me?”) Or even with the need to “finish sooner” or that the other “feels better.”
According to the sexologist, who is also the creator of the YouTube channel “Intimate Connections”, there are still many “complacent” women that they pretend so that they don’t feel “less of a man.” That is why he insists on the importance of focusing on “our own feelings” and not those of the other. “I always tell my patients that if they are only aware of what the other is doing or feeling, they will disconnect from their body and it will be more difficult for them to feel pleasure and reach orgasm. Thinking of yourself, of our own pleasureIt is not selfishness, it is enjoying our sexuality », he reveals.
One of the issues that most concerns him in this regard is that people believe that “everyone can reach orgasm”, because the experience of sexologists reveals, according to him, that this is not true. «The usual thing is to associate orgasm with super pleasure, but although it is a high point of pleasure, we defend that what we have to learn is to enjoy the process, the connection with our body and the other, the game and the path to that pleasure, because sometimes that obsession to reach orgasm can lead us to lose many pleasant aspects of sex, “he clarifies.
That is why he also explains that it is convenient to avoid that objective that some couples continue to have: reach orgasm together. “Many people are excited because they feel more united but in a sexual relationship, each one has their moment. The important thing is to enjoy the process, each one at their own pace and without having to adjust to the other’s sensations, ”he clarifies.
They are not preliminaries, but mutual play
Talking about the “preliminaries” means, according to the expert, saying that what we do is something “prior to …” and validating the “coitocentrism” or “penetration as a goal or end” of the sexual relationship. That is why Raquel Graña prefers to talk about mutual sexual play in which issues such as oral sex or masturbation are included. In this sense, it should be borne in mind, as the sexologist clarifies, that sexual desire works differently in men and women because, while they are easily aroused (a caress, a wink, a suggestive way of dressing …), they They need a longer process of stimulation (caresses, kisses, whispers, insinuations, games, erotic atmosphere …) to feel that desire.
Types of Orgasm
At a scientific level, the author of “Sex on” explains that the data that sexologists usually handle on the types of orgasm correspond to the 80s and that in them it was said that 80% of women reached orgasm through clitoris and that the rest came through the vagina.
However, his opinion is that, although the vast majority of women reach orgasm through the clitoris, it is possible to work on sensitizing the vaginal area to achieve more pleasure and more sensitivity so that that area occupies a larger area. large in the brain (based on the concept collected in psychology by the Penfield homunculus, which represents the parts of the body that have a greater representation in the brain).