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Gestalt therapists, following F. Perls, are not only engaged in therapy, but actively broadcast their views and ideology, including pedagogical articles. This ideology is not at all close to the editors of the Psychologos, but if readers want to learn the Gestalt approach from afar, then their typical theses are as follows.
- Children — unconditional love!
- The obedience of children is a dangerous signal.
- Listening to your feelings is more important than listening to your head!
- Suppressing emotions is harmful, so allow children any negative emotions.
- Society and parents suppress the personality of the child, impose other people’s values on him.
- «Good kids» are problem kids! Children should be natural, and not the way adults would like to see them!
If we correlate this with the models of upbringing, then this is closest to the ideology of “Clear field, dense forest: natural upbringing”, but without reinforcement of the desired behavior and with provocations for permissiveness.
Here is one of the completely standard articles, of which there are hundreds on the Internet. To the main theses of such Gestalt pedagogy, we took the liberty of giving links to the articles of the Psychologos, where we give our vision of these issues.
An obedient child is cause for alarm, says Gestalt therapy
The following is a direct quote:
Very often you can hear from moms or dads: “Our child is so naughty!” For some reason, everyone is worried that the child is “naughty”, when it’s really worth worrying when the child is too problem-free and accommodating. The child is almost perfect: polite, obliging, almost never breaks taboos… Well, a very comfortable baby! But will a happy, successful and healthy person grow out of such an obedient child? To answer this question, you first need to understand why the child is overly obedient. If the matter is in the peculiarities of his temperament, then it is good. But maybe such obedience is forced when it is the result of a certain parenting style (too tough or, conversely, overprotective). In this case, something should be changed … Before it’s too late.
The position of the synton approach is different: the first and absolutely natural task of reasonable parents is to make sure that the child obeys them. So he will save his life, and will quickly get used to life’s tasks. If a child does not obey his parents, he still obeys someone and takes an example from someone, but if for him the authority is not his parents, but friends in kindergarten or random Internet sites — respected parents, do you think it is normal that in fact Is your child raised by strangers and not the smartest people? Did you have such an idea about your child? In summary, teach your child to listen and obey.
Any emotions — green light!
The following is a direct quote from an article by an adherent of Gestalt therapy:
An obedient child thinks: “If I am angry, then dad and mom are upset.” And he forbids himself to show negative emotions at all (and everyone experiences them!) Yes, the baby meets the expectations of others, but the negative does not disappear anywhere, it is simply driven inside. And then it accumulates, turning into internal aggression, which weakens the child’s immunity and he simply «goes into the disease.» Moreover, in addition, self-esteem falls. So what to do? Let the child experience negative emotions and be sure to teach the child to express them correctly (you can beat a pillow, tear up a newspaper, or shout loudly in a deserted place). Yes, and parents should not be only “grand weekends”, they must be different, “alive”.
Yes, if a person does not know how to manage his emotions, if emotions sometimes overwhelm him, then it is better to splash them out in a safe way, at least not on people and without turning it into a tradition, since the habit of splashing out negative emotions a little does not lead to liberation from such emotions, but to psychopathic behavior. However, from the point of view of the synton approach, there are more interesting prospects, namely, learning to control your emotions first, and then manage them. Are you in full control of your hands? In the same way, you can learn to manage your emotions, in which case you don’t have to throw anything out. Throw out — bad emotions. And you, as an emotionally developed person, will have only those emotions that you and those around you need, that please you and support others.
Love for a child must be unconditional, Gestalt therapists are convinced
Sample quote:
Very often a child is afraid of being «bad» because his parents may stop loving him. This happens when the love of dad or mom is directly dependent on diligence at home and success at school. As soon as he stumbles a little, he is scolded (and it is him, and not a misconduct: “Again, a deuce! That’s stupid! And who’s the only one like that?”), And the child must try very hard to “deserve” the favor of adults again. Ultimately, the child prefers not to take risks, not to stick out and do everything mediocre … But will he be able to achieve success in the future? What to do? Even in the most difficult situation, let’s understand the child that you are on his side and accept him for who he is.
There is some truth in this: it is not healthy to swear at children. But this does not mean that unconditional acceptance is a panacea. Think about different parenting models, and perhaps the «Spacious house with a development line» model will appeal to you more than the «Clear field, dense forest: natural parenting» model.
Children should make their own decisions about their lives
This position is stated as follows:
There is another kind of “overly obedient” — children who are used to the fact that someone else does everything and decides for them. Yes, it’s safer this way — parents always know what’s best .. But the habit of following other people’s tips in the future can lead to a child’s dependence on other people, and even other addictions, such as gambling or alcohol. Again the question is: what to do? First of all, adults should realize that the desires and needs of the child may differ from our adults — and this is normal! Give the baby personal space, the right to make a mistake. In absolutely all situations, you still can’t be a “safety cushion”. So it’s better to do everything «together», not «instead».
In our opinion, this is an excellent position, but with one caveat: making independent decisions about your life is not the beginning of education, but what the child needs to be led to. If you start raising a child by giving him complete independence in making decisions, the child will not benefit from this, but will suffer. If the child went to school, the first year you need to sit next to him at the lessons in order to teach him how to do his homework. If you teach, then for the remaining ten years the child will do all the lessons on his own and only please you. If you decided in the first grade to give the child independence and did not control whether he was able to do the homework as he should, most likely for the next years you will have to conflict with the child about the fact that he does not do the homework and does not want to do them … Smart independence of children is a continuation of obedience instilled by wise parents. Both obedience and independence have a common basis — the ability to do what is said: said to oneself or said to parents.
Forewarned is forearmed. And the choice is yours.
«Phantom Man»
If you are interested in this topic, see the analysis of the article «Phantom Man». This article is of interest primarily as a document that clearly reflects the ideology of Gestalt therapy. Published on the b17 website, the article was marked as having received the most favorable comments, which indicates that the author, Gennady Maleichuk, successfully and accurately reflected the mood of his like-minded people. If you look even more closely, most of the positive comments come from psychologists who have identified themselves as «Gestalt therapists», as well as the author of the article. This allows us to confidently assume that the ideas of this article reflect not just the individual moods of the author, but the ideology of Gestalt therapy, at least in its popular version, as it sounds among those who have studied Gestalt therapy and who broadcast it to clients. We have highlighted the main theses of the article (direct quotations). So,
«» In our opinion, this thesis is controversial and rather harmful. If “I” is a child before he acquired culture, that is, a little Mowgli with a sum of instincts, batteries of reflexes and a set of hormones, then his acquisition of culture, his acquisition of social identity is the process of becoming human, becoming him as a person. Yes, the acquisition of purity comes through washing, that is, in a sense, through the rejection of dirt. And what is your choice?
«». Again: is a real child an ill-mannered child? And the false project of the Self is a child who plans to grow up? To become in the future a person with a normal profession, to become a man, to become a husband and father, to become someone his children will be proud of?
«»Despite the obvious condemning intonation from the author of the article, let’s hope that parents do just that with their children. The upbringing of children by parents is their duty according to the Constitution of the Russian Federation, and it seems that psychologists should support parents in their most important work. If children do not know their responsibilities, at first parents and other relatives suffer from this, and after some time it turns out to be a problem for that matured child who, it seems, has not managed to grow up. Would you like your daughter to marry a young man who doesn’t know what a «should» is, who doesn’t plan on taking on any responsibilities?
We see that Gestalt therapy actively disapproves of the «be a good boy/good girl» mindset. Perhaps, next to some very problematic parents, such an attitude can be understood, but if the child has reasonable parents, that the attitude “to be a social being, obey your parents, still behave decently and study well” is the norm, not a problem. Yes?
The Gestalt therapist sadly states: «». Let me confidently formulate the opposite: dear parents, you can be proud if your child wants to be like you!
The author of the article reproaches parents: «». It is sad that the author meets only such crooked parents. We are surrounded by other, more worthy people, and raising their children, they care not about their own self-affirmation, but about the future of their children. They love their children. It is important for them who and what their children will become, how prepared they will be for life’s difficulties, whether they know how to be responsible, whether they have learned to be happy, whether they have an understanding that you can live not only for yourself, but also thinking about other people …
We believe that the readers of this article are just such parents.
And we will be happy if our children are not just “no worse than others”, but, having set big goals for themselves, will be able to make their lives big, great. Our children must get ahead of us, and let them raise children who will get ahead of them! Let our surname, our family dynasty be pride for us and a guide for those who happened to be with us. Don’t be afraid to set big goals, be afraid to live a small life!