paternal model of love

The paternal model of love is giving love, the main idea of ​​which is: «I love you, and therefore you must correspond to a certain quality level.» If the maternal model is softness, sensitivity, warmth and unconditional acceptance, then the paternal model is strictness, stress and exactingness: the expectation that what I give you will be taken, assimilated. The paternal model of love is the requirement to conform. «You are my son and you cannot be a coward.»

For men, a rigid position in education is normal and correct. For a man, children are not just blood, but the successors of his work and the defenders of his values. Taras Bulba abandoned his son, Andriy, when he went over to the side of the enemy. A.S. Makarenko broke up with one of his pupils, who chose the life of a thief and bandit. If children have the right to choose their life position, parents have the right to determine their attitude towards this choice of children. The paternal model of love is rigid. Such love brings up the skill of self-discipline, organization, responsibility, develops strong-willed qualities: courage, boldness, discipline, determination, etc. (for more details, see Will). This is how men are brought up who are not afraid and do not cry.

A father’s model of love is not necessarily a father’s love. Leaders can work according to this model, paternally scolding their beloved subordinates, this model in the family can be with grandfather, grandmother, and mother. It happens that from a certain age, the children themselves begin to relate to their parents according to this model of love: “Mom, turn off your TV, it’s time for you to take pills and go to bed!”

With all this, the paternal model of love is rather masculine, it turns out better in men and is more easily perceived from the father than from the mother. As for personal characteristics, it is more characteristic of strong-willed and decisive people who are prone to exactingness and discipline.

The paternal model can be both positive and negative. “I admire you and want you to become even better” is a positive option. «Look who you look like?!» (You’re terrible, but it can be fixed) — negative. The positive option is usually preferred.

The paternal model of love should not be confused with parental selfishness. If a father demands from a child what will be simply more convenient for parents, this is rather parental egoism, it is difficult to call it love. If the requirements are dictated by concern for the child and his future, this refers to love, although it is not obvious that it refers to wisdom. Fatherly love can be wrong in the same way as motherly love, only the vector of mistakes is different. The mother spoils too often, the father is quick to punish … — despite the fact that all this comes from loving people.

It is good if the paternal model of love is balanced by the maternal model — otherwise there is a risk that the educated will not withstand the stress and prematurely scatter from the «loving». Still would! He loves so much that he is about to suffocate with strictness, the demand for discipline, development and a strong life: it is cold next to him and you want to run away from constant stress as soon as possible. Demanding without warmth becomes a cold dictate, you don’t want to fulfill such requirements at all, but it turns out to be more terrible not to fulfill them — and therefore you have to do it. And fear is always a negative motivation. For someone who is afraid his head does not work, he is ready to say and do anything, just to be left behind. Instead of the habit of thinking with your own head, a habit is formed of doing only what they say and only when they scare you.

And if they don’t scare you, don’t do it.

For those who practice this model of love, it is useful to remember the formula for effective influence: the iron hand of a smart person in a velvet glove.

A soft glove keeps you warm and doesn’t want to leave, while an iron hand provides the necessary rigidity and discipline. And if we take into account that all this belongs to a person with a clear and sensible head, then working and developing next to him is interesting and fun, but hacking and being lazy is disgusting and difficult.

By the way, one more note. If you are going to ask someone something strictly, first make sure that you make demands of yourself no lower. Usually, if the demands come from a person who is not disciplined himself, such demands, no matter how persistent and correct they are, will be met with hostility.