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In order not to spoil relations with colleagues, we often have to hide our true attitude towards them or our common projects. At best, we just start choosing our words carefully. At worst, we express ourselves passive-aggressively, hiding our dissatisfaction with standard “corporate” phrases that remove any responsibility from us.
“In cases of passive-aggressive communication, it is easy to deny everything:“ Yes, I didn’t mean anything like that! Just said.” This is not constructive – the interlocutor may not understand your hint, and you will not get much satisfaction. We just threw in a biting phrase and moved on, ”explains clinical psychologist Ryan Howes.
To get rid of the habit of talking in a passive-aggressive tone (and, if possible, wean colleagues from this), it is important to be able to recognize it. Here are some examples of passive-aggressive phrases commonly used in business communication.
“See previous letter”
“As I mentioned”, “as I said” – all these phrases serve only passive-aggressive self-affirmation. You correct the interlocutor, letting him know that he forgot or missed something, ”explains business etiquette coach Anielis Cordero.
“If you notice that you often use such expressions, it is worth considering why your words are so often forgotten, not paid attention to. Remember that many nuances associated with intonation are often lost in e-mail correspondence, ”the specialist emphasizes.
“There is another reason why we write “see previous letter” – the desire to “cover the rear”. It arises from distrust of a colleague. We use this phrase to avoid trouble or just to make it clear that we have already communicated the necessary information before – which means there is no reason to be dissatisfied, ”says organizational psychologist Laura Gallagher.
However, there is always a better option, he is sure. “You can be nice to a colleague and just tell them the right information without complaining about the fact that you have to repeat yourself,” says Gallagher.
“For your boss to be aware, I am sending him a copy of the letter”
“If one of your colleagues starts sending copies of your correspondence to your superiors, he may passive-aggressively show you his distrust. Perhaps he believes that in this way he will be able to quickly get the result he needs from you. In such a situation, it would be more ethical to directly ask a colleague to comply with your request as quickly as possible, explaining why this is important, ”explains career consultant Kimberly Cummings.
“Many of us think…”
“Such phrases allow a person to express his personal opinion, passing it off as a collective one. He seems to let you know that he was discussing you with others behind your back, while most often not explaining who these “we” are, thereby depriving you of the opportunity to talk with “them” directly. It will be much more effective and ethical to speak only for yourself, ”says Laura Gallagher.
“I have no doubt that you…” or “Of course you…”
These and similar expressions often sound passive-aggressive. “I have no doubt that you know our company policy on this matter” is an undercurrent of hostility in this statement. It’s as if the other person is actually saying, “Why didn’t you know that? Should have known!” There is an opportunity to be more tactful: “Perhaps you did not know, but …”, “I don’t know if you are aware that …”
“I don’t mean to offend you, but…”
This phrase sounds dismissive, disrespectful and, of course, also passive-aggressive.
“Instead of saying you don’t want to offend the other person and then doing it anyway, try a different approach: ‘I’d like to say something, but I’m afraid it might make you uncomfortable. Do you mind?” or “I wish we could trust each other and speak directly and openly. How do you look at it?“” recommends Laura Gallagher.
“Remember, the best way to deal with passive-aggressive behavior in a team is to create an atmosphere of mutual trust. We show passive aggression when we ourselves do not fully understand what we want, or are afraid to openly state our wishes. Because of distrust, we are afraid to open up to each other, take off our masks and show ourselves real, ”Gallagher emphasizes.