Passive Aggression: Time Bomb

Aggression: healthy and not

First, a few words about aggression in general. Is she healthy? Yes! You can remember Maslow’s pyramid, open a biology textbook, read about how people behave during disasters. Regardless of education, level of intelligence, environment, we are still mammals, and there are many things inherent in nature that are difficult to deceive.

Nature has considered the most important upholding security, the search for food and the desire for procreation.

Shouting to a person who gives up a car who does not see that a child is standing near his rear bumper. Take the best piece of food. Approach a stranger you like to start a conversation.

Healthy aggression is a way to join the competitive environment, equip your world, create a comfortable space and maintain it. Unhealthy aggression is the constant crossing of foreign borders, the seizure of foreign territory, the violation of someone else’s comfort.

Where does passive aggression come from?

The roots of passive aggression should be sought in childhood. Parents do not allow the child to arrange his safe place, teachers over and over again compare him with others, forcing him to do what he does not have a soul for.

Instead of carefully introducing what is necessary into the zone of interests of the child, adults break into the comfort zone and, having trampled on everything secret there, leave something alien and uninteresting.

All these “you are a girl, you must be obedient” give rise and consolidate over time the most terrible aggression – passive. When a person is placed in an uncomfortable framework, from which he does not see a worthy way out, he translates the accumulated aggression into various ugly forms that have nothing to do with healthy.

It can be the classic phrase “It’s okay” at the moment when everything is not normal anymore. Untimely answers to questions from others, boycott, refusal to talk about problems. Frowning eyes, clenched fists, refusal to touch and communicate.

What does it lead to?

Passive aggression is the result of an unsatisfied demand for healthy aggression. It leads to a variety of consequences, destroying the psyche and physical health.

Remember the phrase “all diseases are from nerves”? There’s too much truth in it for a joke.

Tension can lead to a breakdown, neurosis, unconscious, but quite real aggression towards oneself or others.

A kind and understanding wife, under constant pressure at work, gives her last strength to her child and husband: her nervous system and body begin to crumble. A strong and reliable husband, tired of claims, feels more and more weak and insecure. A cheerful and active teenager, not receiving the support of his parents, loses energy and all desire to share joys and problems with them.

All of them tried to create a comfort zone, made some efforts, but for various reasons they failed and as a result accumulate passive aggression inside.

Sooner or later, such “bombs” explode, acts of self-destruction or aggression against others occur. And not necessarily in relation to those who called her. A child who is not paid attention to at home may begin to mock animals, an unloved wife may take out a grudge against subordinates, and a drunken husband may seek salvation in alcohol.

Physical expression of passive aggression

We strain certain muscle groups, create a kind of protective “shell”, which leads to stagnation of blood, the appearance of wrinkles, a predisposition to serious diseases – coronary heart disease, stroke, and many others.

There are seven muscle groups that are associated with different problems and give rise to different “clips”: eyes, mouth, neck, thoracic segment, diaphragm, abdomen and pelvis. For example, if we are afraid to admit our problems to ourselves, we cannot talk about them with others, there is muscle tension in the throat area. It can lead to lung disease, asthma, thyroid disease. If the sex life does not bring satisfaction, the pelvic muscles “clamp”, which leads to stagnation of blood and various problems.

Fortunately, serious health problems are hard to come by in a short period of time.

How to deal with passive aggression of loved ones

Constant manifestations of passive aggression gradually kill both the one who shows it and everyone who is nearby. The simplest solution is “speaking”.

1. Formulate for yourself what is the problem of a loved one. For example: dissatisfaction in the morning, short harsh phrases. How is this different from the norm?

2. Pick a time to talk when no one is in a hurry. Create a comfortable environment.

3. Explain in advance how important this is to you.

4. Tell the problem as accurately as possible, try to get an answer. Find the reason. What are the problems?

5. Talk about the problem, try to find options that suit everyone.

6. Try to keep agreements, carefully and without rudeness, control their observance by the second party.

This algorithm often helps to identify some simple things that are easily eliminated, as in the case of a textbook tube of pasta that the husband did not close when brushing his teeth. Sometimes the problems are more complex and more serious, but even in this case, such therapy helps to get off the ground and start moving.

How to help yourself cope

Of course, getting rid of the habit of showing passive aggression is not easy. You will have to start working on yourself, get out of the swamp, in which, albeit damp and nasty, the place has already been “diligent”, and the water around has warmed up.

1. Praise yourself. Most people don’t recognize their bad habits, but you have recognized the problem and are ready to fight. Serious achievement! You are well done!

2. If something is wrong, say it as quickly as possible. No need to blame or complain: you need to carefully pronounce them as soon as you feel that this is not a one-time incident, but an emerging problem. It is advisable to choose a good time when no one is in a hurry, but no one falls from fatigue.

3. When you “boil”, being on the verge of a breakdown, do not take any action. Before you scream why that dirty sock is on the floor and not in the basket, stop for a couple of minutes. The more serious the potential problem, the longer there should be a pause between irritation and action. It could be a minute or a couple of hours.

4. Bring more awareness into your experiences. If something is bothering you, talk it out to yourself. Find the cause, consider several solutions. If it seems to you that the solution is the only one and no one but you will like it, most likely it will indeed be unsuccessful. And if you accept in advance for yourself that there are several solutions to any problem, and you will look for them, the chances of finding a solution will increase.

5. If something doesn’t work out, don’t beat yourself up. Thoughts that someone is not listening or, for example, always doing something wrong are dead ends. They are not constructive. Between “look out again” and “look for a way out” you must choose the second option. If you feel that now you are not capable of finding a way out, and you cannot help but think about the problem, give yourself time. Agree with yourself that you give five minutes to “get over it”, and then start looking for a way out. You will be surprised, but with this approach, it turns out to be much easier to switch to a constructive dialogue within yourself.

Passive aggression can be much more dangerous than overt. The explicit beats, and the passive warps, forcing both the person himself and all those around him to change. Do not put up with your problems or the problems of others. You need to work with this, creating a comfortable and cozy space around you.