“Passion should not burn, but nourish”

Psychologies: Why do we complicate our lives and how to simplify it?

Andrey Rossokhin, psychoanalyst: First of all, it is important to understand that simplicity and complexity are not mutually exclusive concepts. These are the characteristics of any process, occupation, whether it is work or raising children.

They can be combined: for example, we expect a lecturer to talk about the structure of the Universe or our unconscious in a language that we understand. But this does not mean that the Universe or our psyche will become simple. At the same time, the simplicity of presentation should not turn into simplification, into banality, into something that does not make any sense.

We comprehend the world, comprehending phenomena and ideas, we must “chew” the material in order to assimilate it. But if everyone has already chewed for us, and we only have to swallow it, this is not “just about the complex”, but the destruction of the complex, the loss of meaning.

Where, then, does this familiar feeling come from for many of us that “everything is very complicated”?

This is the other extreme – when it is incredibly difficult to talk about simple things, and here there is the same loss of meaning as in the first case. The teacher sets out a simple idea to students in a hard-to-understand language, a doctor uses professional terms in a conversation with a patient who does not have a medical education … Why?

The complexity of the expression does not correspond to the complexity of the content, and the purpose of this complication is not to start the process of assimilation of the material, but to make it indigestible.

And this is done because the teacher or doctor wants to look important, significant, he is not sure of his knowledge and hides it in external complexity. This complexity in the service of narcissism is when it is more important to seem than to be.

Maybe we should find a middle ground?

Only a naive thinker thinks so – that there is somewhere in the middle, where there is enough simplicity and enough complexity that everything at that point turns into truth. But there is none, no middle ground, no balance – there is always a conflict between the simple and the complex!

How can this conflict be resolved?

It is unsolvable, but each time we make our choice in one direction or another. To continue the analogy with teaching: for freshmen you need one level of difficulty, but for graduates a completely different one!

Imagine a village family, “beats means loves” – this is a relationship without psychological complexity, but with sadomasochistic simplicity: primitive passions, practically not mediated by culture, prevail here.

The other extreme is the utmost mutual respect, two people turn into objects of culture, they are no longer living people: the conflict has been eliminated, there is no passion, there are contractual relations.

But it’s hard to live in a state of conflict! ..

Certainly. And so we want instructions. We want to join the army or a monastery: there is a charter, simple clear rules on how to live, you don’t need to bother and decide for yourself, there is a ready answer for everything.

At one time, Benjamin Spock was very popular. Because being a parent is difficult, and he gave simple instructions for all occasions: if the child screams too much, put him out the door, scream and stop.

Such a charter for parents: do it once, do it twice. Now it is not so popular anymore, but several generations of children have been crippled by this simplistic approach.

At the other extreme, psychoanalytic theories talk about parenting in such a complex language that parents cannot understand. And although there are important things, they are absolutely indigestible: in order to learn them, you need to get a special education.

What should parents do in a particular situation, if, for example, the child is crying?

Why are you crying? Came home from the school where he was beaten? Just say, “Go hit back,” or just cry with him? It is clear that neither one nor the other. Of course, you need to live these feelings with him, give him the right to his resentment, anger, sadness, and then think with him what to do next.

There may be different solutions, and you have to choose, try. It is important not to be afraid that we do not have a ready-made simple answer, to take it easy and look.

Can you make life easier at work?

If everything is simple for us, we lose the meaning of existence. Example: there is a task that I can solve, everything is clear to me, I have all the necessary competencies, I am in a comfort zone … What is the result? Monotony, from which I will become bored, I will begin to burn out.

After all, meaning is born in conflicts, in challenges. If I can do everything, there is no call. If we reduce life to such simplicity, where everything is lined up and controlled, even if we ourselves wanted it, it will lead to burnout.

The other extreme is chaos: tasks are pouring in from the right, left, bottom, top, I don’t understand what to react to. Or the leader sets a difficult task, I don’t even know how to start it, and I feel helpless. The result is the same – burnout.

Therefore, when everything is too simple, you need to create challenges, declare: “I can still do something”, go ahead. And if it’s difficult, then you need to step back, say: “Now it’s too difficult, but I’ll be ready in a while,” but for now, prepare, develop skills.

It’s like with borscht: if the fire is too weak, then it won’t even cook, and if it’s strong, it will boil away. We need the right temperature, and we must learn to manage it.

This is not someone from the outside who will tell us, but we do it ourselves – we reduce the fire or increase it, this is conflict management. It is necessary that we be interested, that there be a boiling of passion, but passion should not burn, but nourish us.

Do you apply this principle in your life?

I found this formula for myself: if in 10 years I have more questions for myself and for the world, this means that I have a meaning in life. If there are fewer questions, this means that I am starting to die mentally.

In 10 years, it will not be easier for me, but I must become stronger so that I am more interested in solving more complex problems and seeing the world more complex than it is now.

All our relationships are fundamentally ambivalent, love and hate coexist. When we start looking for simplicity, relationships fall apart.

But complex relationships are not what you want to wish yourself and others.

I urge not to complicate relations, but to accept the conflict that is inherent in them. Let them be contradictory, but developing: then the family will be able to withstand more and more powerful conflicts. Simplification and complexity are psychological defenses against uncertainty, which is at the center of the conflict between simplicity and complexity.

And the world is now very uncertain, and many would like to simplify everything, but this is an escape from reality. And complicate everything too: we ourselves complicate everything, creating the illusion that we do it with our own hands, which means we control it.

But one can act only from the awareness of uncertainty. Sooner or later we are bound to face it. Even if everything was simple before – let’s say the child was small, obeyed, and now the transitional age and everything becomes complicated, he no longer obeys, I don’t understand what to do.

With a family, work, the same thing: uncertainty is a property of life, and the recognition of this uncertainty is the recognition of the driving force of our life. This energy is life-giving. At the extreme points – where everything is simple or everything is complicated – there is no pleasure, it is in the zone of uncertainty. Where we properly sustain the fire.