Passion always has two sides: the state of euphoria is replaced by mental pain. Why do we choose painful relationships and how to maintain interest in a partner without destroying each other, says psychologist Marina Myaus.
Freshness of feelings implies attraction to a person, interest and desire to be near. Passion has a more pathological connotation, it is associated with addiction. For seemingly happy moments, we often pay with jealousy and loss of peace of mind.
Back to childhood
“When I met him, I immediately understood: I have no other choice but to be with this person,” says Irina. — In anticipation of the meetings, I could not concentrate on anything, I thought only about him. He was funny, generous with surprises and brought wonderful adventures into my life. He reminded me of his mother. I was brought up by my grandmother, my mother lived and worked in another city, each of her visits was a happy firework. When she left, I suffered and counted the days until a new meeting. Soon, the lover began to do exactly the same — he could disappear and suddenly appear again. He talked about how we should accept each other and not try to change. I got out of these relationships for a long time and hard, like from a drug addiction.
“Often it is the first object of love, the parent, that dooms us to painful feelings that we subsequently experience in relation to a partner,” says Marina Myaus. “Growing up and falling in love, we again play the children’s conflict, and for the projective role we choose a person with character traits and behavior reminiscent of a parent.”
Accept and reconcile
“The romance broke out when I was married,” says Margarita. — We gave each other the word to finish everything, but again we were looking for meetings. I left my husband, he stayed in the family, but continued to meet with me. At some point, I realized that he would not leave his wife, the torment of the relationship seemed to bring him pleasure.
“This kind of relationship is devastating for both sides. The partner, sometimes without realizing it, also sees in you a figure emotionally familiar from childhood, the psychologist explains. — Painful novels often hang on the mutual attraction of the past. The incompleteness of the relationship with the parent eventually degenerates into anxiety. And since we cannot go back to childhood and change the situation, we try to come to terms with it, living similar feelings with a partner. We try to accept what tormented us in childhood: parental detachment, the unpredictability of anger. Therefore, it is difficult to give up painful passion in adulthood, because this turns out to be a symbolic recognition that we are forever left with childhood pain.
Freshness of feelings
With the external attraction of passion, a state of constant emotional stress can lead to somatic diseases, alcohol addiction, and depression. How to find the golden mean between feelings and a destructive wave of passion?
“Be aware that in a healthy relationship there is an opportunity to take care of yourself and children, to help mutual development. Passion turns on the mode of self-destruction, says the psychologist. “At the same time, we do not want to lose interest in a loved one. To prevent this from happening, you need to talk with your partner, perhaps provoke him, but not go over the edge of the game.
Let there be more spontaneity in your life: trips, gifts, romantic dinners. Do not forget to hug each other more often and say gentle words — this makes it possible to feel a partner. It also brings together a common interest — any activity that you love and share feeds a sense of mutual attraction.