Partnerships in the family: not always equality and not everyone can do it

In the comments on the “I am the sun” test and many articles on marital relations, you can often hear: “Domostroy does not suit me, there should be partnerships in the family!”. Does everyone know what it is: partnerships? For our Russian culture, this phenomenon is quite new, some people like it very much, while others cause serious protests. The purpose of this article is to talk about partnerships in more detail, describe their pros and cons, and discuss who they are suitable for and who is not.

The essence of partnerships in family relations is that partners cast aside their prejudices about “how it should be in a family in general” and decide all specific issues themselves, agree on everything on an equal and free basis.

There is a man, he has his own vision of possible relationships and his own interests. There is a woman, she has her own views on relationships and her plans. These free people sit down and agree on how they want to live together. And then they live according to these agreements …

What is the opposite of partnerships? If we do not consider completely problematic options, then partnerships are opposed by a traditional family, where spouses consult with each other, but the final decision on the main issues of life is made by the husband. The traditional family has a vertical of power, it is a family with one-man command. And in a family with partnerships, there is no vertical of power, here the relationship is fundamentally “on an equal footing”. A synonym for partnerships in the family is democracy, sometimes such a structure is called a horizontal family or the I + I family, in contrast to the WE family.

Relationships on an equal footing sound nice, but the reality is more complicated. If the partners behave honestly, then the negotiations here last a long time: until the spouses agree, quarrel or get tired. Negotiating from a position of «equals» is difficult.

“If I don’t interrupt you, then you don’t interrupt me either. If I remove emotions in a discussion, then you remove …

Is everyone ready to build their relationship like this? Of course not. Partnerships can only be built by civilized people who are ready to talk according to the rules and live according to agreements. And this implies the ability to control one’s emotions, to live by reason, and not just feelings, high internal discipline.

Now let’s imagine a jealous man and a woman with PMS side by side: how real are partnerships for them?

What determines whether there will be partnerships in a particular family — or not? First of all, it depends on the ability and desire of the spouses to build such relationships. If a girl is used to being offended instead of negotiating, there will be no partnership next to her. If the husband is used to yelling rather than listening in case of disagreement, there is also no need to talk about any partnership. If the spouses respect each other, then in partnership they will always listen carefully to each other and conduct discussions on an equal footing. In a family with partnerships, parents try to conduct the same style of conversation even with small children, emphasizing that the child’s opinion is very important to them.

However, more often it is more a game of partnership than a real partnership. Partnership begins with negotiations, with the ability to formulate one’s position, defend one’s conditions and designate one’s obligations. Do our children aged 5-7 know how to do this? Unique — yes, normal — no. Ordinary children are good at talking about what they want, but few of the children are able to carry out agreements on their own. One way or another, in most reasonable families, the desire of the child, until it is supported by contributions from his side and his responsibility, «weighs» less than the word of an adult.

Partnerships can also be unequal

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​It is enough for a family consisting of a husband, wife and children to be high in the mountains with heavy backpacks and in a dangerous situation, as any equality disappears in any partnership: adults take their children in their arms or hold hands, the wife obeys her husband, and the husband carries the most difficult backpacks and is responsible for everyone. However, in the kitchen the situation can turn upside down, and in any partnership, the wife will be in command in the kitchen. Also, if a husband and wife go to the market and the husband knows little about shopping, the wife will have the deciding vote. They are in partnership, they respect each other and the wife will take into account the husband’s desire, but his main business is to carry heavy bags, and the wife’s business is to choose the right products. Indeed, in families with partnerships, there is often a situation where the husband and wife share areas of responsibility, and in one area the husband has the final say, and in another area, the wife. It is the characteristics of the situation that often determine whose word in a given situation will be decisive.

However, in many families where relations are generally partnerships, the preponderance of rights between spouses is determined not by the situation, but by their personal characteristics and the personal situation between them.

Equal rights will only be between equals. There will be no equal relations between a helpless male parasite and an energetic woman who supports her family, children and this parasite. Similarly, it is difficult to count on equality in a family where a woman is not ready to earn on an equal footing with a man, at the same time she does not like to cook and allows herself a bad mood …

In order for equality to be maintained, it must be maintained. She was wonderful, he was energetic, they built a relationship on an equal footing. If over time she became lazy and fat, then her scandals and demands for relationships on an equal footing will not return.

Free people enter partnership negotiations on an equal footing, but rarely come out equal. If you are better than anyone else at negotiating, you have an advantage, but if your partner makes more serious contributions to the family, and you are a freeloader (freeloader), your position is weak. The most problematic situation is for someone who is strongly interested in relationships and is forced to negotiate with a party that is not interested in relationships or, worse, is burdened by relationships …

God forbid you to be in the place of a woman who wants to save her family and is negotiating with her husband who wants to leave the family … If he «so be it» agrees to stay, what onerous conditions can he set in such «partnership» relations?

Inequality in partnerships is a common thing, some inequality in a relationship does not make a relationship “non-partnership”. Simply, the less equality in a relationship, the less these relationships are partnerships. When equality disappears completely, partnerships also disappear completely.

Who is suitable, and who is not suitable for partnerships? What are their pros and cons?

Partnerships are not suitable for those who are used to traditional relationships. Imagine a dialogue:

— So, okay, now about the money: I suggest each of us to put equally on common family expenses, for example, 30.000 USD. — Why? I have a salary of 60.000, and you have 300.000! If I give half, then you give half! “Honey, we have an equal relationship, so we will invest equal amounts. But this is not a family! “But you yourself said that we are discarding the idea of ​​a traditional family and will live as partners, on the principles of equality!”

Partnerships are not very beneficial for people who are dependent on a partner: the final agreements will most likely be unattractive for them. Partnerships are completely contraindicated for parasites in life. She doesn’t work and was hoping he would support her, and he says, «Why on earth?»

Partnerships are not very convenient for men who are used to being leaders in life and are burdened by excessive democracy. “If I love my wife, why these endless painful negotiations? We consulted and I decided — it’s easier and more vital. Partnerships are absolutely not suitable for eccentric women who are used to living with emotions and do not consider themselves obliged to follow agreements.

Partnerships are very convenient for men who have not yet walked up. At the stage of agreements, the following dialogue is quite real here:

— Darling, you and I are free people. I undertake to invest in our union the agreed amount and meet you with flowers six days a week. But on Sundays I’ll be with my mistress. I don’t mind if you get yourself a lover too. — What are you talking about? — Dear, but we decided not to fetter ourselves with traditional prejudices. We are free people!

Partnerships are suitable for men who have had a negative relationship experience and now want to be sure that their interests and rights in the family will be protected by clear initial agreements. Partnerships are dear to women who lead an active, creative or business-oriented lifestyle. They do not want to be enslaved in a close family framework, freedom is important to them and they are accustomed to respect for their rights.

This freedom, however, comes at a price: partnerships create a certain distance in the relationship. There are always rules between partners, and living feelings, if they contradict the rules, are banned. In addition, in families with such relationships, it takes a long time to agree on any issue, and this is not easy, and if partners do not have time left and their nerves are not iron, long negotiations often lead to conflicts …

For an ordinary woman, these partnerships are a big test. So far, everything is fine — yes, everything is fine, but the relationship has strained a little, it is not clear from the man how to achieve something. He doesn’t hear the demands — “What are the grounds for your demands?”, It’s difficult to prove anything to him, logic is not a woman’s strong point, and you can’t be offended and cry, because smart men in the original relationship agreement have already indicated that pressure with feelings is considered manipulation and forbidden. A normal woman in such a situation feels simply fooled, sooner or later she can’t stand it and throws a tantrum against these stupid rules, on which partnerships end for her …