If you say «You don’t give me flowers anymore,» then you want a man to give you flowers. It seems to you that this is obvious, but he hears a reproach: he is bad, not like other, “correct” men. Most likely, your desire will go unnoticed. Psychotherapist Cheryl Gerson talks about typical mistakes in family communication.
Effective communication is important for living together, but the principle of such interaction is not always easy to understand. When you constantly repeat what you want from a relationship, but the partner doesn’t seem to hear you, it seems that all that remains is to complain.
We are born with a plaintive cry, adults automatically respond to the cry of a baby. Therefore, some types of complaints work well, while others do worse. The complaint attracts the attention of others, shows that something went wrong. With a good combination of circumstances, this can be an impetus for correcting the situation. But one type of complaint only leads to problems: a rebuke born of desire.
The phrase «You don’t give me flowers anymore» means «I want to be given flowers.» “You never take out the trash” is a hidden desire to introduce a partner to household chores.
You are frustrated and don’t know what to do. You just point out a mistake to your partner, and he is angry with you because of this.
And here there is a nuance: the person who complains believes that in this way he expresses a desire. How often have you been annoyed that your partner starts snapping at such a request? It usually becomes the beginning of a quarrel. Not only are you not getting what you want, you are angering a loved one.
Why? You think that you have demonstrated what is needed many times, but it did not work. You were very patient and persistent, but you were still not understood. Of course, you are frustrated and don’t know what to do. You just point out to your partner about his mistake, and he is angry with you because of this. Maybe you even said your wish to your partner in words, and he did not remember. Or he is at least trying to do something, but not at all in the way you asked. You do not intend to repeat — as much as possible!
It’s time for recriminations. If you were truly loved, you would not have to explain anything a hundred times. It is believed that this is a common way of communication in a couple. In fact, everything is more complicated. Both partners have stereotypical ideas about behavior in a romantic relationship, but they have different sources. You transfer family traditions to the model of relationships with a partner. Traditions may vary from family to family. And when a partner behaves differently than you are used to, this can cause a negative reaction.
You can say: «Yes, any sane person would not behave like that!». In this case, “sane” is the one that corresponds to your ideas about behavior in a couple. For example, you expect intensive care when you are sick, but your partner prefers to be left alone. He won’t fluff your pillow or ask you if you want tea because his family behaved differently. In turn, he will push you away when you start to «get» him with obsessive signs of attention, even if this is a natural manifestation of love for you.
Mature relationships require mature actions, but it’s much easier to blame your partner for doing something wrong.
As long as you try to show each other the «correct» strategy of behavior, you will be disappointed with the result. To communicate effectively, words are needed.
You should tell each other what you like, what attitude you expect in certain situations. You also need to be willing to «teach» each other. One conversation does not destroy years of habits, even if you have been correctly understood and agreed with you. If you don’t put in that effort, you’re doomed to constant disappointment. After all, you really want your partner to do everything right himself and immediately. This is where useless complaints and reproaches come into play. This is an easier, albeit painful, way.
A truly mature relationship requires mature action, but it’s much easier to blame your partner for doing something wrong. You are upset and a little angry, but you understand that anger will not help here. So the only thing left to do is complain.
You may not even realize that this is passive-aggressive behavior. The partner sees this very well. He sees that you think he is bad. Therefore, he will defend himself or snap back. Will begin to list cases when your desires were put at the forefront, or put forward his own list of reproaches. As a result, the most unpleasant moments of life together will be remembered, both of you will feel terrible and scatter in different corners.
Such a conversation will not bring satisfaction to anyone, or at least confidence that they managed to convey their point of view to the interlocutor. Instead of complaining, you both need to practice your communication skills and learn how to say what you want from the relationship in a certain way. You must believe that you deserve what you ask for. Just don’t force your partner to want the same thing as you. With reproaches, you may perhaps achieve what you want, but in the end it will cause resentment and indignation. Understanding does not come that way.
Better plan around the «sharp corners» in advance. Start with a conversation. The partner can not read your thoughts, do not forget about it. Speak your desires clearly and clearly. If you are sure that you have discussed everything in detail, then you can refer to this conversation when a point of contention arises.
You can complain about bad service or a terrible movie, but if you want something from your partner, be direct about it.
If the conversation did not help, turn on the reminder mode. It is distinct from nitpick mode, although the two are often confused. Say something like, “Remember, you promised so-and-so. Do it now, please.» When that approach doesn’t work, you get angry. The partner not only does not fulfill promises, but also ignores you. Refrain from reproaches. As you already understood, they will not help.
Tell your partner about your feelings: “We had an agreement, and you are not honoring it. This makes me angry!” Don’t worry, you won’t offend anyone if you express your anger in this way. Your partner may not like it, of course. But honest and direct recognition of such emotions is a powerful thing. Practice in front of a mirror if you like. The facial expression should be angry. You may feel embarrassed, scared or funny, don’t pay attention to it, keep practicing. You have the right to be angry if someone doesn’t take you seriously.
Disrespect harms not only you, but also the relationship as a couple as a whole. When you let your partner know that you are angry, it helps to keep the connection between you. You can complain about bad service or a terrible movie, but if you want something from your partner, be direct about it.
Source: yourtango.com