Partner caresses himself: when should you think?

Nina has been married for 10 years, and she recalls a recent morning with a heavy feeling. She was in a hurry somewhere and was angry with Andrey – you can’t occupy the bathroom for so long! She finally entered without knocking and found her husband…masturbating.

“In general, at that moment he did not shave or brush his teeth. I’m not a hypocrite, but I’m still terribly confused, – choosing words, she admits. – And I was upset too – after all, the day before we didn’t succeed … ”But Andrei, it seems, was not too embarrassed. “He explained that he was nervous before a meeting with his superiors and was “just trying to calm down” … He swore that this had nothing to do with me personally – and on the same evening, fortunately, he confirmed his words … Who would have thought, but this the episode seemed to add drive to both of us.

Relax and more

“Both men and women sometimes use masturbation as a sedative,” explains sexologist Irina Panyukova. – In this way, they relieve stress – including that caused by non-sex related reasons. It’s more honest not to involve a partner in this, because these autoerotic actions are not addressed to him and have a specific goal (to get a release) that is not related to relationships in a couple.

And this is not the only reason that can sometimes induce one of the partners to prefer self-satisfaction to “ordinary” sex. “Our sexuality is not limited to relationships in a couple, it is wider and includes awareness of one’s gender, and erotic fantasies, and sensuality, and masturbation,” the sexologist continues. A person may caress themselves just to get to know their body and reactions better. “With a partner, we often, consciously or unconsciously, strive to meet his expectations and therefore focus on him, on his reactions. And in solitude, we can devote all our attention to our own sensations and experiment more freely, varying the rhythm, direction and duration of caresses in accordance only with our desire.

Someone makes up for the lack of sensual experiences with such caresses. “Needs are individual and not always the same even for partners who are otherwise satisfied with the relationship,” explains family therapist Inna Khamitova. “By masturbating, they can compensate for sexual imbalance without committing infidelity. After childbirth, for example, some women are not ready to immediately resume sexual intimacy, and their partners resort to autoerotic caresses. And they themselves sometimes masturbate in order to “get used to the changes that have taken place in their body, to their new reactions and desires.”

At such moments, not only the body, but also consciousness is liberated, says sexologist Yuri Prokopenko: “At the same time, a woman can“ find ”an image of an ideal partner and how the other should behave so that her pleasure reaches its climax. Telling a real partner about these fantasies can be an aphrodisiac, and you can try to reproduce some of this experience together. Solitary pleasures fuel the individual sensuality that the couple then brings to the relationship.

So masturbation does not harm the sexuality of two and can be a way to improve it? But then why do many, like Nina, feel acute anxiety when they catch a partner having sex alone?

The Power of Prejudice

It would seem that if there is a permanent partner – why do we need masturbation? “Such an opinion is associated with social prejudice, which reduces the whole meaning of sexual relations only to fertilization,” explains psychoanalyst Bernard-Elie Torgement. The Old Testament describes how Onan, who gave a name to onanism, poured his seed into the ground instead of giving birth to offspring, and was punished from above for this. But how relevant is the approach that once served the survival of the nomadic people in difficult conditions today?

There is no single answer. But the attitude to onanism as a sin turned out to be remarkably durable. A hundred years ago, it was seen as the cause of deafness, mental retardation and physical illness. Even today, more than half of Russians consider masturbation to be a “bad habit” or even a “disease.” Although experts are unanimous: such caresses do not harm health. Moreover, according to Bernard-Elie Torgement, they allow you to “reunite with yourself, with your body, smell.” To this we can add that everyone masturbates: babies and teenagers, boys and girls, young people and very old people. American gynecologists even claim to have observed fetal masturbation in the womb.

Our assessment of this process is largely influenced by education. “If in childhood it was condemned by parents, then in adulthood, even if a person masturbates himself, he can reproduce this negative parental attitude, addressing it to a partner,” says Inna Khamitova. “And if he does not allow himself such caresses, this further increases his anger and resentment.”

Another reason for anxiety is the special meaning that we attach to the actions of another, says Yuri Prokopenko. “Women often ask: does this mean that the husband has lost interest in them or that they do not satisfy him? But masturbation in itself means nothing if it exists in parallel with the normal sex life, and does not replace it.

Some feel jealous, assuming that during masturbation their man imagines other attractive partners.

There is no reason for concern, the sexologist is sure: “This is sex with yourself, and not with someone else. Masturbation is not cheating, but rather a remedy for it. A man will not go to an imaginary woman, to a magazine or virtual picture. Of course, there is a difference between relaxing like this from time to time, and spending all night with porn movies, avoiding communication with a partner. And by the way:

“Watching female masturbation is one of the most common male fantasies,” says Inna Khamitova. “Therefore, in reality, they are less worried about this.”

Space for yourself

Knowing that the other is masturbating makes it easy to feel rejected. “It is especially difficult to accept the situation for those who believe that two people should do everything together, openly, without being separated for a minute,” explains the family psychologist. “Another’s desire for solitude, their unwillingness to share a part of their life, can be painful.” However, the very feeling of resentment does not mean that we are really offended!

Perhaps the best thing we can do is close the door and let the partner do what they want. “This is his choice, and it is worth treating it with respect,” Yuriy Prokopenko is sure.

Forbidden garden… or not?

Don’t see solitary caresses as a universal way to get pleasure, the sexologist warns: “Many men and women lead rich and satisfying sex lives without masturbation. In sex, there is no “should” to do – do what you like. This applies to masturbation as much as to any other sexual practice.” However, continues Yuri Prokopenko, “men get an orgasm when having sex in a couple in almost 100%, and women – only in half of the cases. They reach orgasm more easily on their own.”

In loneliness, women do not worry about how they look from the outside, what they think of them, they are not afraid to offend their partner. “Some allow themselves to fantasize, caressing themselves, and forbid themselves to do this with their partner for fear of mentally cheating on him,” says Inna Khamitova. To discover images that lead to pleasure is to take the first step towards pleasure. No one, however, forces you to talk about them.

“Do not force yourself to talk about intimate things, respect your inner space as well as your partner’s,” advises a family therapist. Otherwise, we risk losing ourselves, and this, of course, will not benefit either our own sexuality or the relationship as a couple as a whole.