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“It’s not about you, but about me” — and the abandoned person will not reproach us, because it sounds so noble. Or maybe it’s easier to disappear? What do beautiful and mean gestures have in common — and what are we ready to do when it’s time to part, but we don’t want to listen to reproaches?
Recognition is one of the main human needs. Therefore, people seek to establish meaningful, warm relationships with others. Dependent behavior is an extreme, when recognition is needed at any cost, and without attachment, a person faces the horror of loneliness and rejection. The other extreme is the desire to «stay good» for others and for oneself.
Since childhood, we receive the installation: if you want to be loved, behave well, that is, in the way your parents like. Do not hurt others, and the content of this «hurts» can vary from «inflicted physical injury» to «called five minutes later than promised.» Be good and you will be rewarded… Sometime in the future.
Treat others the way you would like to be treated… The wonderful «golden rule of ethics» is based on one of the most important manifestations of humanity — empathy. The problem is that any moral rule, elevated to an absolute, becomes impossible to fulfill. And you have to make deals with your conscience — or completely abandon your desires, because they often come into conflict with the desires of other people.
The girl is burdened by relations with her boyfriend, but she is in no hurry to stop them. There is an opportunity to leave, but it remains. «What keeps you in this relationship?» — “I don’t know …” — “And if we imagine that he left you, and not you him?” “At this thought, I feel relief … And even joy!” Where is the joy here? She didn’t turn out to be «bad», but he did.
Four ways to stay good
This happens often: partners prefer to live in chronic discomfort, rather than go through strong and painful experiences, even if they are short-lived. When the initiative to break up comes from you, and the partner does not seem to feel such a desire, it is simply impossible to be “good”. «Save» the standard scenarios.
1. Wait for an excuse to break up
The betrayal of a partner is perceived with hidden joy — here it is, the reason to disperse. You remain good and in righteous anger, and he … Now, if he were faithful, then everything would be different, but now there’s nothing to be done, you can’t forgive betrayal …
2. Run away without a showdown
For example, a man suddenly disappeared from a woman’s life without explaining anything, only by writing a short text message, something like “it’s all over between us.” The pain of the abandoned is intensified due to the fact that they parted with her in this way. But the man was able to avoid the intense experience of his own «badness».
3. Stay with your partner and hope everything works out.
Or it won’t work. But you will be left with the feeling of a martyr proudly carrying his cross, suffering in the name of lofty goals. Expect a reward, be offended by its absence and wait, wait … «We are responsible for those we have tamed» — one of the formulas of psychological dependence on other people, which makes any new relationship impossible. It may apply to animals, but not to humans.
4. Break up with the words «It’s not about you, it’s about me»
Behind this phrase there may be a desire to present oneself as a person sacrificing himself in the name of the well-being of the “abandoned” side. «I’m not worthy of you», «you deserve a better share.» It is much more difficult to bring down the anger from a breakup on such a holy person than on someone who openly and directly declares that he is leaving. But behind beautiful words hides «I want to leave you, but I want you to think well of me.»
When it’s good to be bad
The paradox is that it is precisely these avoidance strategies that provoke anger and resentment more often than the breakup itself. Even when both partners are ready to end the relationship. Because there is no direct and frank conversation.
You can move away from the evaluative categories «good — bad» — they greatly simplify both the personality and the perception of what is happening. “I am the one who leaves you, I understand that I hurt you. I don’t want this, I’m sad and hurt by your pain, but I’ve made a decision.» Not sadistic and insensitive «I don’t need you anymore, that’s it, finish» …
The nuances are also important. Did the departing person do anything to save the relationship? Does he escape from the accumulated problems into new, more “comfortable” relationships, or is his step deliberate and the result of processes that have been going on in a couple for a long time? Is he trying to ease the pain of a breakup?
Breaking up, when you find the strength to be there and listen to reproaches in your address, requires a lot of courage, but saves something very important. Probably what is called human dignity.