Parents, you don’t love me

«Parents, you don’t love me!» — such a sad or even more energetically accusing phrase of the child in the face of the parents knocks them down. Indeed, what will you answer if you are thrice caring?

Moreover, the more loving, caring and attentive people dad and mom are, the more often it seems to them that they don’t give something to the child. Well, how can you forgive yourself that you also have to go to work, and not just talk to your child?!

Elya told her mother that she did not believe in her love and care: “You don’t love me at all!” If mom tries to convince Elya that she is wrong, Elya will listen to her sadly and repeat her sentence: “No, I don’t believe you. I feel like you don’t love me!» If dad, after a failed conversation, buys Ela new toys and goes to the circus with her, she will soften only for a while, but after the aching note “You don’t love me!” will rise again and with renewed vigor.

Most importantly, you will never understand here: is it an unsatisfied need of a child for love or entertainment to twist with parents and squeeze something out of them? In the end, the child could just hear this phrase somewhere, when he repeated it — he liked it when he told his parents — they began to spin around him … A find, however!

How to act in this situation?

Oh, how wonderful it was when children were small! With a baby, this is solved elementarily: “How can I not love? (kiss) — That’s how I love it! (one more and hug-hug) — And even stronger! (control kiss).» No matter what the little one invents, the victory will still be for a more experienced and cunning mother.

It’s much more difficult with teenagers. Firstly, a growing child can seriously feel the lack of parental love. It’s really difficult to “love” them, plasticine hedgehogs, they don’t give very well, and they don’t like themselves, and they behave, it happens, so what kind of manifestations of love are there? And if before the onset of this wonderful age you did not have human conversations in the factory, it will be very, very difficult. At first, in any case, think about how justified the child’s claim is, and if you understand that the TV, computer and communication with friends shield the child from you, correct the situation.

Sitting with a child for 15 minutes before going to bed, talking with him about his affairs is not the most difficult thing, but this is important for a child. If a child wants to play with you, still find time for this, otherwise in a few years the situation will become different and much more disturbing: your child will simply not need or be interested in you.

After that — the main thing, namely, the conversation. The best intonation at the beginning is warm, soft, you reflect the feelings of the child and try to talk to him: “Do you think that we don’t love you?”, “Do you want a warmer relationship?” or «Are you sad when we don’t play?» See more active listening, many parents magically help. And most importantly, help children.

Unfortunately, sometimes this doesn’t work either. Anything happens. What then?

One mother solved the issue unexpectedly and successfully: she gave her son the task of writing down everything that she and dad do for him in a notebook. “Woke up in the morning. They smiled. Kissed. Mom made breakfast. She set the table. I washed dishes for him. I found him a good deal, which he threw behind a chair … ”The joint recordings either made friends with the son and his mother, or simply tired him, but the claims ended safely. In another family, where there are several children, the children, at the prompt of their grandmother, stood up for their mother and began to tease their sister, who harassed their mother with these claims. The children resolved the issue quickly, my mother’s heart no longer hurt.

However, the most important thing is to talk directly and openly with the child. It is possible and necessary to talk with children, including seriously! Organize a calm situation, when the situation is normal, when no one is in a hurry, and ask a direct question: “You say that we do not love you. For us, this issue is very important. Do you want something different in our family? What would you like to change?» — and seek concrete proposals. Best of all — at the level of behavior.

“For you to come up to me and kiss me when I fall asleep!” “So that you let me watch TV when there are interesting programs on there!” «Don’t you ever yell at me!» — requests can be very different.

If the child said what he wants, you are lucky: nothing serious, normal family negotiations are ahead. Thank the little man for honestly sharing his desires with you, and take each of them really seriously. This does not mean at all that you are obliged to agree with everything, but now you know what your son or daughter means when he says: “You don’t love me!”. And now you know what to do with it: you need to talk about his specific requests.

Kissing before going to bed is a must, TV shows are only after the lessons are done, and screaming is definitely not allowed. But if you answer with displeasure three times “Now!” When your mother calls you, then there may be screams.

Parents find themselves in a much more difficult situation when the child is silent at all questions, looks at them with no eyes and only repeats: “You don’t love me!” And then he leaves. There are two options — either he no longer trusts you at all, or he started a tough game with you, a game of an unfortunate Victim. If possible, it is worth asking for help from a third party: an older brother, a respected uncle, or a beloved grandmother. Or a psychologist. They will talk, it is foolish to remain silent in front of them, much can be revealed. If the partisans are silent in front of anyone and only from time to time repeat the spell again: “Mom and dad, you don’t love me!” Then call dad.

Dad can fix this.

Dad is soft, but in such a situation, he can be tough. And he will ask in an adult way: “If you don’t want to change anything, then why are you saying this?”

Pause. Looks into the eyes. This is a powerful question!

“Mom cares about you, and it hurts her when you say that to her. Mom can’t be offended. I do not allow! Now you go to the corner and think. If you say what you specifically want from your mother, we will discuss this with you. Heard? Once again: to talk nonsense and offend my mother — I will not allow it. Either you say what you want, or you remain silent. It’s clear?»

Love is love, and there must be order in the family. Be careful — this is important. If loving parents get caught in the fact that in response to their warmth, the child grimaces, builds muzzles and shouts at them “Parents, watch the format of your children

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.