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In childhood, parents should be a reliable support for us, providing not only physical security, but psychological security. However, sometimes we experience very different feelings. If at the beginning of life we do not realize that in relations with parents it hurts, then in adulthood it is important to understand what is happening in order to get out of the destructive state of anger, resentment and guilt.
Mom and dad are big, omnipotent, omnipotent, capable of answering all questions, protecting from any adversity, reassuring and comforting … Alas, they are not always like that. It happens that the closest people cause great harm to the psyche of their children.
“A small child cannot live in constant emotional stress, and he develops various forms of protection,” explains psychologist Marina Myaus, “he learns to either justify his parent or emotionally withdraw, defending himself with coldness and indifference, which with age can spread to other people “. To counter toxic parent behavior, it is important to first understand what kind of manipulation is being used.
1. Double messages
Often the words and the emotions that accompany them contradict each other. “Thank you, it was very tasty,” is said with a facial expression that leaves no doubt about the opposite. The daughter shows her mother a new blouse and asks if she likes it. The mother at first approves, but when she sees her daughter in a new dress, she criticizes her choice.
Such a parent is often distinguished by inconsistency, and it is difficult for children to predict how he will behave in the next minute. The child learns to guess the behavior of an adult in the smallest detail: how mom or dad opened the door, what tone they answered. For the slightest pranks, a child can be unexpectedly punished, while serious offenses get away with it. It all depends on the mood of the parent, and as a result, children grow up with a sense of self-doubt and a sense of the instability of everything that surrounds them.
2. Indifference to emotional needs
The parent is completely detached from the experiences of the child and only sees to satisfy his basic physical needs. Trying to talk about what really worries him, the child is faced with total indifference. He understands that his mother is ready to communicate with him only superficially, ignoring his feelings.
3. Trespass
The parent does not feel boundaries and robs the child of the right to his own space. We are talking about the invasion of the children’s room without knocking, and the desire to force the child to do something by force. Often children are forced to attend countless clubs, just because mom or dad decided so.
4.Gaslighting
Children are forced to feel things they don’t feel. “You are tired, you are hungry,” says the parent, although the child does not feel hungry and does not want to sleep. Not wanting to believe the child and take his side, he is accused of lying: “You made it all up.”
5. Boycott
One of the most severe forms of psychological abuse. When the person closest to him, who is supposed to be a guarantor of safety, stops talking to a child, this destroys his world and causes an enduring feeling of guilt.
6.Direct and indirect accusations
“For you, I had to live with your father/drop out of school”, “I spent my whole life on you”, “I wish you hadn’t been born” are manifestations of extreme forms of psychological sadism, the echoes of which are not easy for even adult children to cope with.
7. Simulation of pain
The parent punishes the child with his sudden illness, the attacks of which often occur immediately after the conflict. As a rule, this is how the somatic reaction of the “victim parent” who suffers from the “torturer child” works.
8. Role dissonance
It often happens in single-parent families when a mother tries to make her daughter or son her adviser and best friend. The role of an adult is unbearable for the child, and he is traumatized not only by the divorce of his parents, but also by the fact that he is not able to help his mother.
9. Betrayal
The child confides his secret to the parent and learns that the mother or father has told a third party about it. Another form of betrayal can be observed in families where the mother is neutral and does not protect the child from the cruelty of the father.
What should adult children do?
“First of all, it is important to be aware and soberly assess what is happening,” says Marina Myaus. – Once you begin to analyze your relationships in general and specific episodes in particular, you learn not to get involved in the experience of conflict and not to duplicate the parental way of behavior in communication with other people.
It is useful to keep a diary of observations in order to better understand how the manipulation manifested itself. It is important to note all the actions of a parent that are positive for you out loud and do not skimp on kind words yourself. Use negative reinforcement in the same way, paying attention to everything that hurts you.”
The psychologist is sure that the position of a detached observer will allow you to take power over the situation into your own hands and build a healthier relationship with your parents.