Parents remain lovers

This baby was so expected … and now, barely born, he imposes his own unpredictable rhythm of life on his parents. From this moment a new story begins, and at the same moment the balance is disturbed. The couple becomes a family, and some parents become child worshipers.

The kingdom of the baby sets in, which sometimes takes extreme forms – for example, when the royal child settles down in the matrimonial bed and thereby already regulates the sexual relations of the parents. There is a change of roles: the child captures all the living space, and the couple fails to keep their own, intimate.

Children: set bans

The child is growing and can already move on his own. Sometimes he gets to the parent’s bed … “One late night, making love, we suddenly found with horror that our five-year-old son was standing by the bed and looking at us. I don’t know how long he watched us, but this situation shocked me … ”Ksenia recalls, still shocked that her son witnessed an intimate scene.

Sigmund Freud, describing the case of the “wolf man”, analyzed in detail the traumatic effect of such a “first scene” on the psyche of a child of one and a half years, who subsequently developed fear and sexual neurosis¹. And today, parents, taking care to protect the child from such a trauma, often forbid themselves any manifestation of their own sexuality. “When the whole family is at home, I can’t relax, I’m always on my guard,” admits Stanislav, the father of children aged 12, 10 and 6.

A paradox arises: parents seem to turn into “children” of their own children. “When two people can’t calmly make love because their dear babies are sleeping behind the wall, this means that adults put themselves in the position of juniors in relation to their own offspring, that is, they turn the situation on its head,” says the family therapist. Anna Varga. “They act as if their parents were in the next room—that’s how a neurotic relationship is created.”

How to delimit the family territory? “The door to the parents’ room is the door to adult intimate life, so it should be closed for the child,” says psychotherapist Irina Zemtsova. “At the age when he begins to walk and talk, he should know that he cannot enter the closed room of his parents without knocking, however, parents should not enter the nursery without warning.”

If not accustomed to this, the child can establish himself as the head of the family and begin to command everyone. “By not defending their borders, adults give full power to the child,” warns Irina Zemtsova. And having achieved power, no one will voluntarily give it up – this rule also applies to children.

In order for everyone to have personal space, one inevitably has to defend it. The parent couple must be firm. “You need to be able to say “no” to a child, to refuse to satisfy all his desires,” explains Irina Zemtsova. “So a man and a woman will protect their territory, where their sexual desire can calmly and freely exist.”

Teenagers: Earn Respect

Children become teenagers, and the situation becomes more complicated. Added to the risk of shocking them or piqued their curiosity is the risk of being the target of their sarcastic remarks, as happened to 43-year-old Inna. “Ancestors, do you also have sex?” ironically remarked her 16-year-old son at breakfast.

This painful situation is familiar to many: young people, alone or with a whole company, return home in the evening without warning, seize the living room and kitchen, laugh out loud and disperse after midnight, or, worse, fit right in your house. It is impossible to even think about any erotic pleasures.

Sometimes it comes to the fact that it is easier and more convenient for parents to enjoy intimacy outside the home. They are forced to flee to make love in a calm environment, thereby giving up their territory to teenagers who are not at all shy about their caresses. The case ends with the fact that adults almost ask permission for sex from their teenage children.

How should parents behave so that their sexual life does not irritate a teenager and does not provoke his aggression? Mutual respect will appear if adults follow a few rules.

“You don’t need the noise and your voices to reach the child, protect him from such experiences, because he is already anxious at the thought that his parents are making love,” explains Anna Varga. “If a teenager asks a question or starts commenting on your intimate relationship, it’s worth emphasizing that this is only a matter for spouses, so his remarks are interference in someone else’s life.”

But what if the prohibitions and explanations do not work? The easiest and most effective way is to insert a lock into the parent’s bedroom door. Once faced with a locked door, children will realize that mom and dad really have a different, separate life from them, which should be respected. This discovery will allow them to develop their own sexuality in the future.

¹ Z. Freud “Psychoanalysis of children’s fears” (ABC Classics, 2016).