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We try our best to be the perfect parents—always loving, kind, calm—and we blame ourselves when kids throw us off balance. In fact, our failures and mistakes can help both children and us learn important lessons and strengthen relationships.
Yes, our children are not the only ones who have tantrums. Do you think of at least one person in your life with whom you could spend as much time as you spend with your child, and never get annoyed or angry with him? Moreover, as parents, we do not have the right to cater to every whim of a child if we want to grow a healthy personality out of him. Parent-Child Communications Expert Erin B. Bernau* shares her experience and offers the following solutions.
1. Replenish your stamina
As parents, we often put our needs in last place – as a result, we quickly “burn out” and break down on loved ones. Make it a rule to find time during the day to slow down, relax, enjoy something. Take a few deep breaths, go for a walk, lie down for a nap. If you feel tired, postpone cleaning or other household chores – now it’s more important to recharge your batteries.
Parents need the support of other adults. Connect with people who inspire you, bring joy and peace. If they are not yet in your life, look for them. Avoid those who, on the contrary, are depressing and stressful. Exposing our vulnerability, sharing our parental fears and difficulties with an understanding interlocutor, we feel relief and self-confidence returns to us. One of the most destructive experiences is shame, it artificially isolates us from other people and undermines the psyche. Remind yourself often that parenting is a fast-paced process. Your child is growing and developing every day, and so are you. Change for the better is happening faster than you think.
2. Understand how your brain works
Neuropsychologist Daniel Siegel offers a good example. Imagine that your hand is your brain. Palm to hand – the so-called primitive brain, which controls automatic functions, such as breathing and heartbeat. Now bend your thumb and press it against your palm – we are in the midbrain area, its job is to respond to danger in the “fight or flight” mode. In addition, it holds our earliest memories. Now bend the remaining fingers, pressing their thumb against the palm of your hand – we have moved to the highest area of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe brain responsible for the thought process, decision making and self-control.
When we are provoked and we get angry, the primitive parts of the brain take over the more developed ones (the palm opens up like a compressed spring) – the “fight or flight” zone is activated, so we scream out nonsense in a rage, which we will later regret, and lose all ability to be sane. reason and empathize with others. It is impossible to resolve the conflict in such a state.
You can teach this language to children. When you feel anger rising, tell your child that your head is boiling, like a pot of boiling water, on which the lid is bouncing from the steam, and therefore you are not thinking well. You need time alone to recover. The main thing is to learn to recognize the approach of a breakdown in time in order to have time to retire and calm down, change your mood.
3. Practice Mindfulness
Not everyone has time to meditate for hours on end, and it is not necessary. No matter how busy a parent is, you can always find 10-15 minutes to mute the chirping of the outside world – breathe deeply and focus on the “here and now” – notice and calmly accept your feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations in the moment. This is what is called awareness. Try to just be in the present tense, without trying to change anything.
4. Stand on the side of the child
What is it like to be him or her? What is my child most likely feeling right now, thinking about it? By “trying on” the point of view of another, we get a new look at a difficult situation and, perhaps, a hint on how to find a way out of it. We must remember that children are not just our continuation, they have their own, unique way and way of interacting with the world. This is a wonderful opportunity for parents to look at the world with fresh eyes, through the eyes of their child.
5. Repair relationships
Of course, you will make mistakes while raising a child – after all, you are human. It is important to remember that attempts to restore relationships after a quarrel, breakup, or unpleasant experience can strengthen them. You earn the trust and respect of your children by admitting that you were wrong and by making a promise to work on yourself. Children learn to understand that even “infallible” adults face challenges and that they value relationships with their children and are willing to change for them. When we take responsibility for our mistakes, we are showing the child that no one is perfect and setting an example of how to deal with conflict in a constructive way.
True, the opportunity to take steps towards reconciliation appears only if we have had enough time to recover and calm down. When we are overwhelmed with negative emotions, access to the areas of the brain responsible for logic and empathy is closed.
Another important point is that we are not able to restore relationships until we forgive ourselves for the breakdown that has occurred. Children need to be taught this lesson in forgiveness. Yes, we make mistakes, but they don’t make us bad people. We can forgive ourselves and move on.
* growparenting.com