Relationships with parents can be happy or painful, but the arrival of children forces us to re-examine the strength of family ties. And the triangle, in which the older generation competes with their own children for the love of their grandchildren, promises a lot of strong feelings for all its parties.
They work and travel, are fond of yoga, go to exhibitions and meet friends. Representatives of the older generation live richly, and at the same time, many of them continue to help grown-up children.
74% of surveyed Russians over 18 say that their grandparents took part in their upbringing, and in every third case they not only saw each other, but spent a lot of time together1.
Some take their grandchildren for the weekend, teach languages and take them on excursions; others take them to the sea or to the dacha, others are always on the hook and are included in the daily life of the family, and the fourth even manage it, feeling like full-fledged mistresses of a large house.
Who is more important
“My husband and I live under the same roof with my mother, and she mainly takes care of her five-year-old son: she picks her up from the garden, takes her to the pool, feeds her,” says 32-year-old Anastasia. — I am grateful to her, I can’t imagine how we would have managed without her, but she endlessly commands what to dress the child in, when to put it down. We go to the park, and she: “Don’t buy him ice cream, he will kill his appetite!” As if our son is her child, and I get in the way and interfere with raising him. We fight a lot, but I always give up.»
The story is typical: the majority of parents and grandparents (57% and 61%, respectively) admit that they confront and compete in the field of raising a child. Often this competition, as noted by psychoanalyst Marina Harutyunyan, becomes «a struggle for power, a test of who is more important, whose opinion is more important for the child»2.
Grandmothers today are increasingly taking an expert position in relation to their grandchildren, “and this is the main source of conflict,” says Tatyana Belkina, a Gestalt therapist. “They are more mature, more experienced, and this seems to give them the right to judge or teach young people how to raise children.”
Who is responsible for what the child will become? Only parents
But why is it difficult for many grandmothers to recognize the right of children to build their own parenting strategy? And what prevents young people from saying calmly and firmly: “Mom, of course, I am your child, but I am an adult and do not depend on your opinion in the matter of raising my son (daughter). I will gratefully listen to you and accept what suits me”?
“The problem is that even at 40, many are still not emotionally separated from their parents,” Tatiana Belkina replies. The life of the older generation was built around children. And when they have grown up, elderly fathers and mothers cannot let them go, separate them from themselves. It is unthinkable for them to ‘live for themselves’, to see meaning in something else.”
Accordingly, their children, formally adults, hardly part with their infantile position, feel insecure and fear: “I will now build this upbringing strategy, and then I will be responsible for it.” It is this combination of fear and self-doubt that reinforces dependence on the opinions of others. It’s easier to follow the mother’s instructions and, in case of failure, say: “Who raised our grandson with us? Look at the fruits of your labours.»
According to the script
In a situation where the leading role of grandparents is recognized by everyone, children and grandchildren in the family hierarchy often find themselves on the same level and become something like sisters and brothers.
“As a result, the middle generation (parents) loses authority in the eyes of the younger (children) and copes worse with parental tasks, while the older one, on the contrary, strengthens controlling behavior,” explains systemic family therapist Maria Antipova. — But another scenario is also possible, when adults enter into a fight with grandmothers for the right to be called the best parents. And then children are often drawn into the conflict.”
The child feels responsible and tries to reconcile adults, unconsciously diverting their attention to himself, to his frequent illnesses, disobedience or problems with learning. Sometimes children find profit in such a war and begin to manipulate: the grandmother does not allow to go out until late, and the father will allow to linger.
“Growing up, grandchildren get used to acting in this way,” explains Maria Antipova. “They become peacekeepers in all conflicts in order to feel their importance and relevance, or push others head-on to get what they want.”
Family scenario becomes its own program
Raising children without the participation of the older generation, pursuing a career instead of walking with a granddaughter … Under the influence of public opinion, books and their own ideas, many couples break the usual family patterns. And there are new pockets of tension, disappointment and resentment. “I was waiting for my grandchildren so much, and they hired a nanny.” “Our grandmother’s granddaughter is not interested!”
“When realities do not live up to expectations, an internal conflict may arise, which is sometimes resolved in a radical way,” comments Maria Antipova. “Not keeping a balance between their interests and caring for their grandchildren, some grandmothers choose to completely refuse to meet with them, and this looks like dislike and indifference.”
Or, for example, anxiously watching how children build a different life, different from the family scenario, elderly parents broadcast their discontent and criticism to their grandchildren (“Look, your flirtatious mother doesn’t think about the child at all, she flew away again! We know these business trips !»). Relationships turn into endless showdowns over who did what for the children. It can be difficult for grandchildren to choose between two conflicting scenarios (grandmothers and parents), and this causes serious emotional disagreements in them.
let’s agree
It would seem that the antidote to chaos, autocracy and enmity is known: these are clear boundaries between generations, mutual respect, recognition of the right to one’s life, one’s mistakes.
“It’s easy to say, but very difficult to bear,” remarks Maria Antipova. — Each clan has its own characteristics of communication, history, scenarios of survival and being, raising children and attitudes towards different generations. Families with rigid attitudes, where there is little reflection, a lot of anxiety and closed topics, are the most difficult to change and agree on, powerful mechanisms for maintaining the usual way of life, even painful and destructive for everyone, work there.
In such cases, one cannot do without therapeutic work with the whole family and everyone’s own work on their fears.
But there are two recommendations that will help all families to make relations between generations more harmonious. The first is to respectfully and clearly tell your grandmother which restrictions in raising a child are fundamental for you (“gadgets only after school”), and which ones can sometimes be canceled (“no games before bedtime”).
“Rejecting and criticizing something, be sure to offer an alternative,” says Tatyana Belkina. “By banning harmful treats or the Internet, allow your grandmother to please the child with something no less attractive, so that he perceives the time of communication with his grandmother not as a punishment, but as a holiday.”
Another law is the agreement of partners on uniform principles of communication with parents. “And let each of the children maintain these principles with their elders,” suggests the Gestalt therapist. — The daughter-in-law should not «build» the mother-in-law, and the son-in-law — the mother-in-law. Cross-relationships lead to hostility, conflicts and manipulation, create a psychological triangle where everyone changes the roles of victim, rescuer and aggressor.” A clear self-awareness and clear rules help to avoid this.
1. VTsIOM study of October 28, 2020 wciom.ru.
2. M. Harutyunyan “Changing the “Institute of Grandmothers”: a socio-psychological aspect”. Population, 2012, No. 1.