Parents – children: 8 steps to independence

1. Birth

Childbirth is the first separation of the two, who until now felt like a single whole. It is not easy for many women: young mothers often feel lost and devastated. Their feelings are the result of the first separation from the child, who no longer belongs to them completely.

“For some women, this is also the loss of that exceptional position in which they lived for nine whole months,” says prenatal psychologist Galina Filippova. – A pregnant woman is the center of the family: everyone is interested in her, her health, well-being, mood. But now she has done what everyone expected of her – she gave birth to a child, and everyone’s attention is switched to him.

It happens that a newborn disappoints parents. They wanted a girl, but a boy was born. They dreamed that it would be like him (her), and he is the spitting image of the mother-in-law (mother-in-law). In this situation, parents again have to experience parting with their illusions – with the image of the “ideal baby” that they developed during pregnancy.

2. Weaning

Feeding makes a mother happy. She holds the child to her breast, physically feeling some part of her pass from her to him. She feels her indispensability – the milk that feeds the baby is given only by the mother. This close physical contact is like an unbreakable union that lasted for nine months of pregnancy, and it is very difficult to refuse it.

Breastfeeding seems to many mothers to be the solution to all of their children’s problems, from health to communication. Sometimes mothers drag out weaning, afraid of losing this “universal protection” from all troubles.

“It’s easier to deal with this fear when you understand what happens to children at the turn of the first and second years of life,” says Anna Skavitina, a child psychoanalyst. Usually at this time, children begin to walk and there comes an ideal moment to completely end breastfeeding.

“A child’s ability to explore the world is expanding, he is already ready to move quite far away from his mother. In mountaineering there is such a thing – “Svan insurance”: “Go while I see you.” This is a good metaphor for the age in question,” explains Anna Skavitina. In every sense, an exchange beneficial for the child takes place: the mother seems to say to him: “I no longer feed you, but in return for my breast I can offer you the whole world.”

3. Exit from the decree

Many mothers experience acute guilt when they return to work and leave their children in the care of a nanny or grandmother.

They feel like no one is better than them to take care of their children. If the need to work is connected with material difficulties in the family, the feeling of guilt is not so great: we are talking about a real need. And if a woman needs a job to live a full life, to feel happy? Then the feeling of guilt can become excruciating, and the mother leaves the house in anxiety, which, of course, is transmitted to the child.

Morning partings pass with children’s tears, which, of course, only intensifies mother’s torment. “This vicious circle can be broken in only one way: to come to terms with the fact that a child can be good with other people, just like a mother can be good without him for some time,” explains Anna Skavitina.

4. Kindergarten, school

This is the beginning of an important stage in a child’s life. For those who have never left home before, this is the first big separation from loved ones. It is here that the child meets the outside world, meets other people – children and adults, learns to assert himself in the team, and he must do all this himself. Not all children like these changes.

“A lot depends on the position of the parents. If their personal experience was negative, then, most likely, seeing off the child in the morning, they will be very anxious. And after the parents, the baby will also begin to worry, ”says Anna Skavitina.

But children are not our exact copies. They feel and think differently. The main thing for them is to feel our support and understand that in which case mom and dad will certainly come to the rescue. Seeing that you communicate kindly with the teacher, the child will make sure: the situation is under your control, everything is going well, and nothing bad will happen to him.

A child who has not attended kindergarten will have his or her first experience of independence at school. Now a figure is appearing in his life, who over the next three or four years will influence him almost as much as you do – this is his first teacher.

“Try to build a friendly and calm relationship with her,” advises child psychologist Anna Tikhomirova. – Do not leave children alone with problems, but do not try to fix everything yourself and at the same second. And always be on the side of the child.

5. Friends

Friends are more important in his life than you. More recently, he cried when you left home, missed you if you were late at work, and on weekends he went to the cinema with you with pleasure. But now the son or daughter seems to only dream of you not returning from work longer. And now he goes to the cinema with great pleasure with his friends.

Our feelings are conflicting. On the one hand, relief: we finally have more free time. On the other hand, we somehow feel uneasy, and it seems that we are losing control over the situation. Some parents, in an attempt to cope with anxiety, tighten control over their teenager’s life and, as a result, lose his confidence. Others try to become “their guy” in the company of his friends, hoping in this way to maintain their positions.

“In this situation, it is very important not to go too far – you don’t need to arrange a concentration camp for a teenager at home, but you also shouldn’t make yourself look ridiculous by flirting too openly with his friends. Be open and natural. Of course, it is calmer when children are always in sight, but do not forget that they need their territory, their secrets, their circle of friends. They need to learn how to resolve conflicts on their own, establish new connections, and experience their own dramas,” says Anna Tikhomirova.

6. First love

The first love in the life of a teenager awakens in us a whole bunch of emotions. We are proud of his success, we rejoice in his happiness, we empathize when he suffers from the first love failures, and with all our hearts we want to warn against mistakes. But at the same time, we are well aware that children are unlikely to follow our advice.

We worry about their first sexual experience, but still, until the last, we try not to notice that sex has already appeared in their life. “Parents are embarrassed, because this is a special area of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbrelationships in which tact is more important than in any other,” says Anna Tikhomirova. – However, it is necessary to talk with teenagers about the sexual side of their life – to talk about methods of contraception, hygiene rules and similar practical things. Some parents find it incredibly difficult to discuss this topic with their children, the conversation does not go well because of the embarrassment of an adult.

In this case, someone else can talk to them about sex, the one whom the teenager trusts: an older sister or brother, aunt or uncle. There is only one rule: respect their reserved space and do not overdramatize: a teenager should never get the impression that sex is a dangerous territory, every wrong step along which threatens with inevitable death.

And of course, parents need to come to terms with the fact that it is impossible to know everything and control everything in this area. Too active participation in the love life of a son or daughter is always destructive. The main thing to strive for at this stage is to maintain relationships, not lose contact with the child and always be there in cases where he needs your help.

7. First independent vacation

One day this day comes: the child declares that he will no longer go with his parents to the country, to Croatia or Turkey. He will not go to the Alps either – not because he does not like the Alps, but because he no longer wants to relax with his family.

“Never!” is our first reaction. We used to spend at least part of his holidays and all of our holidays together. Is it now necessary to abandon this forever? Does he no longer need us? It is especially scary to let him go on a journey alone: ​​it is always difficult to believe that a child has really matured and is able to take care of himself.

“Sooner or later, but we still have to put up with his independent travel, and therefore it is best to do it gradually. First, for the weekend at a friend’s dacha, then for spring holidays to relatives in another city, Anna Tikhomirova advises. Gradually both he and you will get used to the new order of things. The main thing is that parents always know where their child is and can easily find him.”

8. Leaving home

This is a critical point in family life. It is she who most often marks the real beginning of adulthood for a former child. And for parents, it always becomes a clear sign of the completion of a certain life stage, the center of which in one way or another was children.

Whenever this happens, it always seems to parents that the moment has not yet come and the children are in too much of a hurry. They feel confused and helpless. After many years, it is difficult for parents to be alone again, as in their youth, alone with each other.

“No matter how old the children are, parents always perceive their departure from home as a sign of approaching old age,” says Anna Skavitina. – To cope with the feeling of uselessness, they have to look for new meanings in their own lives. For spouses, this is a good opportunity to see each other in a new capacity, to take care of their personal lives.

As for the relationship with the child, from now on they are entering a new stage – this is the relationship of an adult with an adult, and they most likely will not have the tension that was the result of daily and sometimes forced communication. And this is exactly the case when parting can lead to a new meeting with those we love.