Parents and love for children

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Why do we want children? Here I can only speak for myself… For me, my children are an opportunity to create a beautiful universe. When I was little, I could not do much, but even then I wanted life to be always bright, big and beautiful. She was like that then, but not always, and not always it depended on me. And now I am big and strong, and the children are mine, completely mine!, and now no one, as long as I am the father of these children, no one will interfere in their life. I dreamed that life could be bright, reasonable and beautiful — please, I can create such a life for my children, I can educate them so that they will continue to live such a life! If you also dreamed of something similar or a little different — it does not matter! — you can give this dream to your children.

But a large number of people live in a completely different way, and they do not need children. Or they just get in the way.

In itself, the birth of a child does not guarantee that the parents will love him. As early as two centuries ago, children, unless they were royal children, were often perceived as «expendable». Loving children was not accepted, each family solved this issue individually. The birth of an «unhealthy» child, or rather its survival, was practically unrealistic, and it was unprofitable for the family.

Today it is indecent not to love children. Moreover, today a child for most women is becoming more important than a husband, a husband is sometimes useful, and sometimes a difficult necessity for her to give birth and raise a child. On the other hand, today love for children is more often proclaimed than it actually happens. In addition, love itself can be of a very different kind and quality: fatherly love differs from motherly love, love for a child can be wise and narrow-minded, it may be insufficient, or it may be excessive … Parents’ love for children can be both reasonable and erroneous, as wise, and short-sighted. Overprotection is an unfortunate version of parental love. And how is it more successful? See Parenting Models

On the other hand, ardent parental love does not at all guarantee that the child will receive a decent upbringing. Hot parental love is not always wise, and when a child, for example, an anxious mother becomes a super value, it is highly likely that a hysterical, capricious child will grow up.

The question is not that children do not need the love of their parents — the question is what kind of love our children need and what, apart from love, they need from us.

Loving parents, caring and responsible, tolerant and ready to forgive them a lot — at the same time they can be indifferent to their interests and needs, deaf to their reasonable requests, and at the same time not demanding where exactingness is necessary. A child is not brought up by love alone; wisdom and culture are also required from parents. Good — and a good pedagogical education.

In any case, it is important to remember that the lack of parental love in itself is not a disaster. As Talleyrand wrote, in his time, parental love was the exception rather than the rule, but against this historical background, those who made up the color of the Enlightenment grew out of small children.

Types of love for a child

Sources of love for a child

The feeling of love of parents for children is not innate. In mothers, however, it turns on more often and easier, its basis is:

• children’s games like «Daughters-mothers», simulating child care,
• natural-sounding suggestions built into the culture: “You will have a child, you will love him and take care of him. How many children do you want?».
• imprinting (imprinting) immediately after childbirth. If mothers put their newborn on the breast for several hours, a feeling of love for the child is formed almost immediately. If the child gets to the mother a few days later, the feeling of “my own” in the mother is formed weaker and later.

What is the love of parents for children?

Defining parental love is not easy. On the one hand, there are some accepted actions that are considered a manifestation of parental love (rejoice at the sight, miss in the absence, feed, give money and teach life). On the other hand, there is a living parental soul, which is directed towards the beloved child with feelings and plans. On the third hand, there is an objective: how much time did the parents devote to the child, what was the quality of communication between them, what was the result of their communication and interaction. On the fourth — the soul and consciousness of a child who feels something and thinks something about his own parents, and what he thinks and feels can be more determined by his mood than by the actions of his parents …

In any case, in the analysis of parental love, the language in which it is conveyed to the child is important. What are the languages ​​of parental love?

• Time is one of the important languages ​​of parental love.

If a mother comes just an hour before dinner, then she can no longer teach this child anything. She will only say: “quickly, turn around, don’t touch this, this is it, let me do it myself — it’s hot.” And then such a sweet process — we’ll do something together, we’ll cook something tasty for dad right now — it doesn’t work anymore, because. you just have to keep track of the time. If you take on this project — to teach a child to cook or to teach a child to help, you lay in advance these extra half an hour or an hour so that it goes calmly from the heart, and then you can be as kind as you like and you can say: well, spilled — It’s okay, take a rag, everything will be fine. This is also a way to stay friends with children. And never start to unwind, and at what moments we suddenly stop being friends or, in other words, stop being on good terms and everyone whines something different.

• Love for a child in the language of behavior

If dad and mom can take on obligations to a child, even to an unborn one, and fulfill these obligations, they love a child. If you are not ready to make commitments, everything remains at the level of words and changeable feelings, then it is more difficult to talk about love. See →

Twenty expressions of love for a daughter

Parental love through the eyes of children

What do children consider parental love? We conducted a pilot study: the majority of children aged 5 to 10 years old responded to the question “What is the love of parents for you? When do you feel that your parents love you? after they understand the question (this is not always easy), they answer: “When my parents buy me what I want” and “When my parents allow me what I want”.

Some children like to blame their parents for not loving them, loving them the wrong way, or not loving them enough. How to deal with such accusations? See →