Young children control and educate their family no less than this family educates them, psychoanalyst Eric Erikson observed. Can we learn from their «upbringing»? A few sayings of famous psychologists about us and our children.
“Respecting a child means offering him a model of behavior and giving him the opportunity not to imitate it. He has no other choice in shaping himself than in denial, and he says no.
Françoise Dolto, psychoanalyst
“To be an adult is to have exclusive rights over another adult; for the child, this creates the model of behavior in which he is a student in the family: he is brought up by this couple, but in no way should he pretend to be an adult, even if he is absent from the family.
Françoise Dolto, psychoanalyst
“The influence of a “sacrificial” mother is almost no different from that of a selfish mother. Sometimes this even leads to a worse result, because the mother’s sacrifice does not give children the opportunity to criticize her. They have an obligation not to disappoint her; under the guise of virtue, they are taught the lesson of dislike for life.
Erich Fromm, social psychologist, psychoanalyst
“His Majesty the child must fulfill the unfulfilled desires of the parents, become a great man instead of the father, a hero, the daughter must receive the prince as a husband as a late reward to the mother. The most vulnerable moment of human narcissism — the immortality of the Self, cruelly trampled on by reality — is preserved, finding its refuge in the child.
Sigmund Freud, psychoanalyst
“The degree of closeness and honesty that can manifest itself in relationships with our parents cannot be found anywhere else. Therefore, the more psychologically naked the parents, the more the child grows up ready for openness (of himself and others) in the future.
Carl Whitaker, family therapist
“We all want for our children what we ourselves lacked. This desire is harmless, but only as long as we protect our children from the slightest compulsion to live for us.
Nancy McWilliams, psychoanalyst
“Even before birth, two directions of development are possible: the child acts either as a hope for the parents’ self-realization, or as a rival, as a decrease in their own capabilities.”
Edeltrud Meistermann-Seeger, psychoanalyst
«The more broken the family, the more difficult it is for the rising generation to leave it — they are ill-prepared for separation and cling to the family, seeking refuge from the anxiety of isolation.»
Irvin Yalom, existential psychotherapist
“Our duty, not only to ourselves, but, above all, to our children, is to make sure that they have parents who know how to enjoy life. And while happy parents don’t automatically become good parents, unhappy parents are simply unable to give their children mental well-being.»
Helmut Figdor, psychoanalyst, psychotherapist