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Many parents try to hold back tears in front of their children, not wanting to show how upset they are. The desire to protect a child from the unpleasant aspects of life is understandable, but in fact, it can even be useful for children to see that we experience different emotions.
Last year, the story of the Australian blogger Constance Hall was actively discussed on the Internet. Here is what she wrote on her blog: “Over the weekend, my children and I watched one very sad documentary. My daughter and I could not help crying, and my son, noticing this, hugged us and patted us on the back, trying to somehow help. I realized that my children are completely normal in responding to manifestations of natural human emotions. They are not traumatized by the sight of a crying mother, they are ready to support her, realizing that all this is part of life.
The child realizes that he is safe, despite the fact that parents can also sometimes show weakness, and this is very important for him. And if we are not able to support each other in difficult times, what is the use of us at all? Several experts agreed to tell us why it’s good for children to see their parents cry and give us some tips on how best to behave in such situations.
Show children that emotions are normal
“If a child sees parents or other close adults cry in certain situations, it shows him that expressing his feelings is normal and natural,” says psychologist Tammy Lewis Wilborn.
To raise a child with high emotional intelligence, it is important to teach him that it is normal to show his feelings. If the tears of parents are caused by some situation that affects children (for example, the death of a grandfather or grandmother), then by giving them the opportunity to see their grief, parents help children understand that now is hard for everyone, not just them.
“Because children do not yet have much life experience, often some thoughts or feelings cause them anxiety: “Is this normal? Maybe something is wrong with me? Why am I so sad? Why do I feel (something) because of (something)?” Wilborn explains. By experiencing grief with their parents, children learn that their grief is completely normal and learn to cope with difficult experiences by developing psychological resilience.
In addition, when children see their parents cry, it helps them realize that mom and dad are just like everyone else, and that adults can be sad too, and that’s okay.
Tell them that you’ll be all right
“Children can be frightened and not understand what is happening when they see that their parents are very upset. Therefore, it is important to explain to them (taking into account their age) that you experienced an emotional moment, but everything is fine with you, and everything will be fine in the future, ”advises child psychologist Gillian Roberts.
The task of parents is to explain the situation to the children, to let them know that they have nothing to fear and that unpleasant experiences can be freely discussed.
“By telling children about our own experiences and how we learned to control them, we are simultaneously teaching them an important life skill and showing them that they too can talk about their experiences, which is very helpful. These conversations strengthen the bond between parent and child,” explains Gillian Roberts.
It is important that the parents, after explaining the reason for their tears and assuring that everything will be fine, then directly ask how he feels.
“Ask the child: “When you see that mom (or dad) is crying, how do you feel? This will give him an additional opportunity to talk about his experiences, ”advises Tammy Wilborn.
Consider the child’s age
When explaining to the baby the reason for your tears, consider his age and level of development, do not overload him with unnecessary information that can scare him and deprive him of a sense of stability and security.
“Sometimes the situation that caused tears in an adult is such that it is impossible to explain it to a child simply because of age – either it is too difficult or too difficult. But it is important to explain the context at least in general terms in order to let the baby know that he is not to blame for anything, ”says Tammy Wilborn.
“Often parents do not want to discuss some topics with their children with the best of intentions – they do not want to show them the dark and terrible sides of life. The problem is that children fill in those gaps with their imagination. As a result, children lack the information to understand what they see, they are frightened and experience the very stress that the elders tried to save them from, ”explains Wilborn.
Yes, it is not necessary to tell the child: “The house will soon be taken away from us for debts,” but you can, for example, say: “I know you often see dad crying. Now it’s just a difficult period, but then everything will definitely be fine.”
Discussing feelings is useful not only with girls, but also with boys.
“No one needs to ask permission to experience emotions and be respectful of their own experiences,” says Gillian Roberts. According to her, in many families and cultures, it is accepted that the manifestation of emotions is something shameful. Boys and young men are especially affected by these negative messages.
“We do a lot of harm to boys by suggesting to them that the only feeling they are allowed to experience and show is anger. It is important for parents of boys to pay attention to the emotional experiences of their children at all times and explain to them that they have every right to experience any feelings, ”says Roberts.
Try not to cry in front of children too often
Yes, sometimes it is good for children to see their parents cry, but it is undesirable for this to happen too often. If babies constantly watch adults cry, they may think that something very serious is going on.
“Seeing parental tears, the child may feel guilty, because he wants to help, but due to age he does not know how to do it. He may feel helpless, thinking, “What should I do? How to stop it? In addition, he is scared: “What does all this mean? What will happen to my mom (or dad)? What will happen to me?
Don’t show too much emotion
Should you allow yourself to cry in front of a child? Gillian Roberts believes that what is more important is not how often this happens, but how intense your emotions are that a child has to observe. “If you have tears in your eyes every day when you see an ad with a sad storyline, there is nothing to worry about. Seeing this, your child understands that you are sincerely showing your emotions, while perfectly controlling yourself.
But if you are shaking with uncontrollable sobs or there are other signs of severe emotional stress, it is better to apologize and leave the room. The sight of a parent losing control of himself can be very scary for a child.”
Of course, it is not always possible to protect children from an unpleasant sight. Sometimes they unwittingly witness the manifestation of violent, uncontrollable parental emotions (for example, if some kind of trouble suddenly happened). But still Gillian Roberts advises to do everything possible to avoid this.