Parenting: strategies that (do not) stand up to scrutiny

Don’t forbid anything

One of the principles of upbringing that is widespread and beloved by modern parents boils down to a simple rule: the child must be allowed to do everything.

ParentA: Childhood happens once in a lifetime. And there are so many prohibitions and restrictions in the world that everyone will have time to eat them. But at least for now, in the circle of close people, the child can fully realize all his desires. He himself knows better than anyone what he needs, what he wants. Therefore, it is enough to listen to his desires and fulfill them.

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Of course, sometimes he wants something impossible. But you can always distract or offer him something even more attractive, but permissible. Yes, sometimes he behaves defiantly, inconveniently for others, but nothing, they will tolerate it. The main thing is that he is satisfied and happy.

Frankly, sometimes his behavior is annoying, but it’s also not scary. After all, if you do not show the view, then he will not know about it. But in the future it will pay off a hundredfold: he will grow up independent, free-thinking, will always know what he wants, will achieve it no matter what, will be successful. And there, for sure, he will understand how much effort his parents put into this, and will thank them.

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Ребенок: apparently, parents are created specifically to satisfy all desires. But sometimes they deceive, they do what is convenient for them, passing it off as what I want.

And what, in fact, my desires, I do not know. The world is so diverse, I want to try everything. I want what I see at the moment. If you manage to get it now – not bad (as it should be), but if not, then this is monstrous and unfair!

Parents cannot be a reliable support for me: they do not teach the rules that exist in life, I can manage them, but not rely on them. Sometimes I try to find rigidity, stability in them, I check how ready they are to follow my lead. In response, they either give in, or for some reason answer too sharply. Sometimes when they don’t fight me back, I get mad at them! I love to bring them up, look for when their patience runs out. They say that I bring them up, but I just want to see in them strong and mature people who can be relied on and who don’t pretend (even if it’s for my good).

Other people call me selfish, irresponsible, superficial, but it’s my parents’ fault – they raised me that way. Therefore, I can’t change anything, but I have the right to have claims against them.

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Psychologist: Parents of spoiled children are good parents. They try very hard, make a lot of efforts, believe in their child very much. But they most likely will not receive gratitude and friendships, early independence of the child. It soon becomes difficult for such children with others: other adults, and even more so peers, do not intend to cater to any whims and requirements. True, such a child learns to achieve his own, despite the prohibitions and rules, the opinions and feelings of other people. But it is unlikely that he will be really happy about this.

In addition, he is also not very good with himself: he does not know how to choose, he was not taught to prioritize, his will suffers. Even if it seems to him that he knows what he wants, it is extremely difficult for him to achieve this, because humility and rejection of something that is unbearable for him often lie on the way to real achievements.

It is often difficult for such children to understand and follow the rules, to take responsibility for something, to take care of someone other than themselves. They poorly understand the boundaries of what is permitted and suffer from this: after all, condemnation always falls on them unexpectedly.

Many parents believe that such a child grows up more independent. But this is not true. Any child needs care, needs those who will give him clear and precise guidelines: what can and cannot be done, how to behave well and how badly.

But this does not mean that you do not need to spoil the child. Do not deprive yourself and him of this pleasure! One should be afraid of pampering, elevated to a principle. If the child is pampered from time to time, or visiting his grandmother, or on holidays, then there is nothing wrong with that – everyone is pleased and joyful from this!

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little adult

Some parents take parenting very seriously. In this case, they consider it their duty to teach the child both the laws of the world order and the rules of conduct. Detailed explanations and an adult serious attitude towards the child can have not only beneficial consequences.

Parents: we want to see our child smart and understanding. The best way to do this is to treat him like an adult. We talk a lot, answer his questions about everything that interests him. Of course, if we forbid something, we explain in detail why this should not be done. If we ask for something (yes, we never demand, we only ask), then we explain why it is important and necessary to do it.

It seems that he should understand everything, and he pleases us with his intellectual abilities. But for some reason it becomes more and more difficult to explain something to him. He becomes very demanding, emotional, sometimes uncontrollable. He finds a thousand counterarguments to our arguments.

It is not clear why this is happening? After all, we explain everything, we always strive for him to understand and accept all our decisions!

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Ребенок: they explain to me so much that I learned to build logical chains myself no worse than my parents. Now they will not be able to speak my teeth and explain that it is necessary to wash the dishes or do homework! And even more so to prove that you need to dress or behave the way they want. In any dispute, it is easy for me to win.

Come to think of it, I’m pleased that my parents treat me like an adult. But to be honest, that’s not what I want from them. I want them to hear me, worry about what is happening to me, and not explain it. Therefore, I sometimes even scare or anger them in order to somehow get them to say something emotional, and not smart.

Other people have a hard time with me. I am an interesting interlocutor, but it is very difficult to convince me of something: if I have already rested, then do not move. When you just need to agree with the rules, quickly do what is said, I will definitely find out for a long time who needs it and why. And other adults don’t like it for some reason. And the parents don’t like it either, I see how angry they are, but they still explain and explain.

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Psychologist: The favorite rule of many democratically minded parents to treat a child as a small adult has a significant drawback. In fact, the child is not an adult. He is not yet ready to take responsibility for the decisions he makes, he cannot choose on his own, because he lacks experience, he is not responsible for himself. Yes, it’s too early for him to answer for himself – this is what mom and dad exist for. However, when parents explain everything to the child, they seem to ensure that he makes a decision on his own. This is not entirely fair, because the parents are trying to get him to make the “only right”, that is, their own decision. But the child has the illusion that he himself decided this, based on a logical justification.

The trouble is that almost anything can be logically substantiated. Similarly, a child, having become accustomed to such an attitude, begins to justify decisions that parents do not like at all. But these are the rules of the game, which they themselves have adopted! The trouble with this situation is that the child gets a lot of freedom, but little responsibility (and he can easily justify this), and the parents get a lot of responsibility, but little power. But both freedom without responsibility and responsibility without power (or power) can exist only as an illusion, self-deception.

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Another trouble is that children really need emotional reactions and attention to their needs from their parents, and receive only intellectual explanations and logical constructions. They begin to achieve what they lack by any means, immeasurably surprising their parents with such an ungrateful attitude.

This does not mean that it is not necessary to explain, exhort and logically build justifications for decisions with children. It is only important to remember that the child is still dependent on the parents, that he should know from childhood that sometimes the word of the parents is the law without any reasoning. It is important sometimes to discard any intellectual conversations in order to talk heart to heart with the child: tell what you are experiencing (and not thinking), listening to what he feels (and not thinking).

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Severity and punishment

There is a belief that the stricter the prohibitions and the more formidable the punishment, the better the child will grow up. This idea has been refuted many times, both in theories and in studies, but for some reason it is incredibly tenacious.

Parents: the child must know the strict rules! And the best way to deal with disobedience is immediate punishment. Everyone knows that the more severe the punishment, the longer it is remembered. After all, this is the only way to keep him from misdeeds and crimes! Do others exist? We ourselves were punished in childhood, and not so much yet, and now we have grown up to be decent people.

Lack of punishment corrupts the child. Of course, he is unhappy that we are so strict with him, but it’s for his good. He will grow up and understand this. Yes, he is offended now. Sometimes it is difficult for us to cope with this: we have to feel guilty for punishing us so severely. But this can be somehow made up for: if you overdid it with the punishment, give him something. So far, the child is moving away because of the punishments, but maybe when he grows up, he will understand that there was simply no other way, as we understood our parents. Although the resentment against them remained …

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Ребенок: My parents can’t understand me. I love them very much, but sometimes I think they hate me. They say that they want me to grow into a “decent person”, but it is not clear who this is. I know what not to do (although I often find out about it when I’ve done it), but I don’t know what to do.

I am often punished, but this has its advantages: firstly, all my friends are surprised when I tell them about the cruelty of my parents, and secondly, if I do something bad, I have the right to do it – after all, with me so tough! Thirdly, when I am punished too much, my parents make amends, so I sometimes bring them on purpose so that later I can get what I need.

It is easy to get used to severity, not to pay attention to it. True, I often have to deceive – after all, you never know for sure whether they will punish me for something or not. You have to lie even in small things. It is better to hide everything from them, so calmer.

Other adults and children see me as cruel and out of control. But the only way I know how to resolve conflicts and sort things out is by force. Otherwise, no one taught me. So let them endure and blame my parents for everything.

Psychologist: Punishment destroys relationships. If a child is often scolded and punished, he ceases to believe that he can be understood and listened to, prefers to hide and build a wall between himself and his parents. Although a child always wants to be close to his parents, it is difficult for him to meet all expectations, and he cannot count on indulgence.

Frequent punishments lead to a paradoxical effect: the child ceases to feel guilty, his conscience atrophies, stops working. And why: its functions are completely performed by adults. Such a child often feels offended than guilty, since no punishment can be truly fair. Punishment keeps you from feeling guilty. As a result, the child becomes unable to focus on the law that exists and guides us in our actions, on our own morality. It is replaced by the fear of punishment. In this case, it turns out to be more important to avoid this inevitable punishment, and not actions that are perceived as bad, immoral.

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In addition, punishment, especially corporal punishment, is always associated with humiliation of the dignity of the child. This teaches him to treat others the same way, makes him insecure, creates a feeling of insignificant value of himself. This does not mean that such a child becomes shy and obedient, often just the opposite. Not seeing himself as a value for his parents, he tries to prove his worth to himself, asserting himself among his peers in the way that he knows – by force, authoritarianism.

However, this does not mean that all punishments are harmful. Sometimes children have to be punished. But the punishments must be clear to the child and follow directly from the act. If there is a logical connection between misconduct and punishment, then it is perceived as more just. For example, if a child refused to eat soup – he loses sweets, if he received a deuce, then he must be subjected (for some time) to parental control over homework, if something is broken, broken, dirty, then he must clean up after himself, possibly pay for the damage out of pocket. Actually, this is not quite a punishment, it is only a direct consequence of the child’s actions, his responsibility for his actions.

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Endless Support

Always accepting and supporting your child is a natural aspiration of parents. But sometimes it becomes an educational principle, and then its usefulness is not so clear.

Parents: who else will take care and protect the child, if not us? In order for him to grow up happy and contented, we simply must provide him with constant love and support. This is not so difficult to do: we really admire everything about it. If you constantly inform him about this, emphasize how wonderful, wonderful and wonderful he is, how much he can and can do, he himself must believe in it. Let him hear from us all the time how we like him!

Other adults, and even children, should also know what a wonderful child we have. Therefore, we will definitely inform them about this and prove it. If someone does not agree, then it is better for us not to communicate at all in order to protect the child from unnecessary criticism, and ourselves from irritation. The main thing is that the child always feels confident, knows that he will be supported in any endeavor. We will explain to him that those who criticize him or accuse him of something are dissatisfied with him, in fact they do not understand anything and are themselves to blame for the current situations. Even if this is not the case, it is more important to maintain the child’s self-confidence.

Of course, sometimes it is difficult, because we know that not everything he does is good. But it’s better for him not to talk about it. Firstly, it will upset him, and secondly, he endures any reproaches very painfully and touchy. So it’s better to keep your mouth shut when we’re not happy with something. But when he grows up, he will be able to achieve a lot, because he is so confident in himself, so kind, feels so much love and support for himself!

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РебенокA: I know that I am a wonderful child. I am often told about this. But I think I deserve even more recognition than they give me. My parents are very lucky that I am so beautiful with them (they tell me about it themselves). I don’t even think they deserve me. In any case, they are not able to notice that I am doing something wrong. They sometimes say that they love me without asking for anything in return – and I would not give them anything in return, here it is! They must love me! And they must also provide me with everything I need, always support, care, praise, protect. But I don’t owe them anything, they should be grateful that they already have me, that they can be so proud of me!

Other people sometimes criticize me, but I know that I can’t be guilty of anything, because I’m so wonderful. I do not like those who do not recognize my merits. But I learned to prove to myself that they are worth nothing, since they do not notice how good I am, or maybe they are just jealous. But those who notice, I can not respect.

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Sometimes I feel sad that my parents are so simple-hearted that they idealize me so much. After all, I want them to see myself, with my shortcomings and insecurities, and not the ideal image that they want to create from me. But they don’t seem to be able to! Therefore, sometimes I even despise them for their such blindness. When they do break loose and say something bad about me, I feel very unhappy, because I’m not used to such an attitude. It seems to me that they have stopped loving me, because they say that their love is the full support of all my endeavors. And then I get scared and lonely. Or I discount their words, just as they taught me to discount the words of other people.

It can be difficult for me to communicate, because for some reason other people are not ready to admire me all the time. Even close friends sometimes criticize me, and I endure it very painfully, so I prefer not to make really close friends. In addition, relatives can see my real shortcomings, and it will be more difficult to devalue them.

I want to achieve a lot in life, because I deserve it! But often I fail, because angry, envious people begin to criticize me and put spokes in the wheel. I am not able to notice my shortcomings, and therefore it is difficult for me to develop.

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Psychologist: the fashionable phrase “unconditional acceptance” is fraught with hidden dangers. In fact, we love, but we set conditions. Even such parents, who always only support the child, want him to achieve a lot. To do this, they nurture his self-esteem. But high self-esteem is not a guarantee of success, which is often associated with the assessments of other people (not only and not so much parents).

Such children, spoiled by attention, praise and care, often lack responsibility and respect for other people. Constantly receiving love, they do not know how to give it away, they do not know that “to whom much is given, much is asked of them.” Perceiving as their own merit what is not their merit, they begin to treat others condescendingly.

Often such children do not get tired of pleasing their parents and bathe in the attention and admiration of all those around them until adolescence. But as teenagers, they are faced with the fact that the demands on them are increasing, that they receive more diverse assessments of their behavior, that they are expected to be responsible for their actions, but they are not ready for this. In this case, they are forced to either devalue their parents, making sure that their praises were not true, or devalue everyone else, deciding that only parents perceive them “objectively”, that is, exclusively positively. Both scenarios do little to help the child become happy and successful, as the parents dreamed.

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However, it is necessary to support and encourage the child. This helps him evaluate his strengths, meet his successes, and believe in himself. But support should not devalue, depreciate due to the frivolity of reasons, demonstrativeness and pretense. It is worth encouraging and supporting only what is really important for parents and for the child himself, otherwise obsessive praises will begin to annoy and tire, they will no longer believe in them. Praise should be an important message of recognition of real merit, responsible decisions, independent actions, a job well done. Then it will be appreciated, help the child develop, strengthen his faith in himself.

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Cultivating Humility

There is also an opposite way of education, which involves a minimum of support and praise from parents. It is not so common now, it is associated with the “old school”, but we will consider it.

Parents: praise the child let others. Praising a child is like praising yourself. Our task is to point out to him all his flaws, oversights, because no one else will do this. If he did something well, then we are proud of him, but this is how it should always be! What is there to praise for? But if you did it badly, then you need to indicate what exactly is wrong, force it to be redone until it is good.

Telling a child that he did something great is telling him that he doesn’t have to strive for even better. So we will show him that he is not good enough, he does not try very hard, maybe more. We believe in him, that’s why we demand it.

We also ask other adults not to praise him too much. Of course, we secretly tell how good he is, but never with him. If someone praises him, we will definitely say that, in fact, we could have tried harder, and there is nothing special to praise for. After all, the main thing is that he does not become proud, does not give up!

He takes offense at us sometimes, says that he has not heard a word of affection from us. Perhaps someday he will know that we have always been proud of him, but it’s too early. That’s when he achieves something really important, then maybe we’ll praise him.

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Ребенок: they only do what they scold me! This is very tiring and annoying. Sometimes I want to do nothing at all: after all, I know that no matter what and no matter what I do, they still won’t be praised. Sometimes it seems to me that it is impossible to prove to my parents that I am capable of something. And then my hands drop.

The worst thing is that my parents shame me in front of other people, talking about my shortcomings. Therefore, I am embarrassed by them, I try to avoid their meetings with people important to me.

Sometimes I find it difficult to accept praise from other people. If someone tells me that I did well, then I can’t believe it. Is there anything I can do well?

It’s hard for me to share anything with my parents: after all, they will explain to me what I’m wrong about, what I did wrong, whether it’s school, friendship or romantic relationships. They never take my side. Therefore, we don’t have very many topics for conversation: it’s better for me to look for such hobbies in which they don’t understand anything.

I know that somewhere in the depths of their souls they love me, but somewhere very deeply, and this makes me sad.

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Psychologist: Children who are very rarely praised, but often criticized by their parents, can choose two paths. Either they give up, despairing of earning praise and finally losing faith in themselves, or they strive for success, hopelessly trying to prove that they are worthy of something. But neither one nor the other way can be called joyful for a child.

Typically, such parents assume that their belief in the child’s worth and abilities is taken for granted. However, they do not report it. However, this is not obvious to a child. Trust and relationships deteriorate as a result: who wants to listen to only critical remarks all the time. Thus, even reasonable criticism and sound arguments from the parents cease to be audible to the child. He is forced to ignore them in order to save his attitude towards himself, self-esteem. Sometimes he becomes also poorly receptive to the criticism of other people, which prevents him from improving.

This does not mean that you should never criticize a child. But, like praise, it is necessary to criticize in moderation and to the point, without devaluing the child’s abilities, informing him of faith in his capabilities and success.

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For more details, see Vitaly Sonkin’s LiveJournal on link.