Contents
- Parenting rules: psychologists advise parents to quarrel in front of children
- 1. Children see that you can disagree with each other and have different opinions
- 2. Children learn that arguing is a normal part of relationships and life in general.
- 3. Children understand that the release of emotions is natural.
- 4. Children learn to resolve conflicts
- 5. Children absorb a model of behavior for the future.
Parenting rules: psychologists advise parents to quarrel in front of children
It turns out that if you hold back your anger until the moment when your offspring are not around, it can seriously worsen your relationship with them. Moreover, such restraint can have negative consequences for the entire family.
As the author of the article, psychologist Alessia Santoro, was growing up, she witnessed several loud quarrels of her – very stubborn – parents. These skirmishes were always only verbal, anger expressed in throwing objects on the table or slamming doors with a bang, but they still frightened her. Scandals of this kind lead many experts to argue that parents should not quarrel in front of their children. However, the author learned a lot in such situations. For example, what is the difference between a serious fight and an ordinary disagreement. Now that she has a family of her own, healthy arguments happen at the table almost weekly, but full-blown clashes have only occurred a couple of times in two years. And this, according to Alessia, she owes to the demeanor of her parents, who did not hide their contradictions from her.
Therefore, the author decided to sort things out with her husband in front of the children. But at the same time, always remember the huge difference between an argument and a violent quarrel in which both sides seem to be wrong. In addition, daily arguments create an unhealthy environment for children. Having said all this, Alessia formulated five pluses from quarrels in front of children.
1. Children see that you can disagree with each other and have different opinions
If you never quarrel in front of children, then they grow up with a distorted sense of reality, in which everything is always in order and people always agree with each other. Even when they see other people and children of their own age quarreling, they will follow your example. And if in a future relationship they have conflicts with a partner, they may simply not know what to do. After all, their parents have never been involved in sorting out the relationship. Maybe there is something wrong with them? Children should know that it is perfectly normal to have views and beliefs that are different from others, which can lead to disagreements, which is also perfectly normal.
2. Children learn that arguing is a normal part of relationships and life in general.
Although it is very important that the atmosphere surrounding the child is positive and full of love, you do not need to protect them from the realization that even close people can quarrel. Fighting and then reconciling in front of their eyes is showing them that a happy couple isn’t necessarily perfect and that they don’t have to agree with everything in a relationship. If your children are very young and you do not want to upset them with your quarrels, then there is some advice for this case too: “When our daughters went to kindergarten and were worried about our clashes, I smiled and encouraged them with a special code – I spread my fingers an inch demonstrating how small our differences are, and then spreading her arms wide to show how great our love is. “
3. Children understand that the release of emotions is natural.
The worst thing is to keep negative emotions, anger, frustration, until you explode, throwing all this wealth out. The serious quarrels between the author’s parents were the result of such trapped emotions, and the innocent children suffered as a result. You need to let go of what bothers you or disturbs you in real time, even if your children are present. By doing this, you teach them to translate their anger into verbal form, not suppress it, the Pop Sugar study cites.
4. Children learn to resolve conflicts
Not every disagreement is easy to resolve, but when you quarrel over something in front of your children, you try to find a way out faster and more efficiently so as not to injure your forced viewers. Try to get them to adopt a relationship model from you where any conflict with a partner, relative or friend ends in a positive way. A recent study of children aged 5 to 7 by researchers from the University of Rochester and Notre Dame found that children whose parents “fought constructively” experienced greater emotional security and were friendlier over the next three years. and more caring towards other children.
5. Children absorb a model of behavior for the future.
If you still can’t come to an agreement with your spouse, show them the opportunity to “agree to disagree,” and then put the argument aside – forever. This is much better than arguing until hoarse over and over again, because you will never agree on a solution to the problem anyway. Thus, your children will be able to build the correct model of behavior in the future in relation to seemingly insoluble disputes.
We are all imperfect. If you can’t avoid a really loud fight in front of your kids, be sure to talk it over with them later. Explain that you have held back your emotions for too long and lost your temper. Tell us what you plan to do or have already done to resolve the conflict and what you would do differently if you could go back in time.
Any child needs confidence that nothing will happen to his family, it is indestructible. When they watch their parents fight and reconcile, it gives them confidence that any problems are solvable.