How to properly raise a child? To be a strict parent or to give complete freedom? To instill only leadership qualities or carefully look for tendencies that can be developed? And most importantly, how to predict the result of education?
Recently, I remembered a list of parenting claims received from my eldest son in his 20s. Formed tactfully in the form of advice, so that I do not repeat the mistakes with the younger ones. Then I took it with humor. Seriously? They didn’t bang a little, didn’t really control it, didn’t drive it in, do you have to get it yourself? So get it, I replied, it’s time.
But still, how did we raise him? Like everyone else, to the extent of will, to the extent of coercion, on simple calls: study, work, win. As tennis players used to joke: Serve with the first ball, score, make no mistake. The rules worked with a creak — studies stalled, defeats began, it was a bit tight with the championship.
Life was changing, but we and the parents from our environment stood their ground, we could be interchanged as components, and we would not forget the words, we would say to any child the same thing that we repeated to our own: do not be lazy, learn, call your grandmother, take a walk with sister.
If there was a lot of freedom for the son here, I wonder what her restriction would look like?
Didn’t instill useful skills? In education, the technique affects perception in much the same way as in quantum physics, measurement affects the result. Force causes resistance. I suddenly wanted to “talk about it” with my son, but it didn’t work out: he already didn’t remember well what it was about. What claims, mom? I forgot, but I got stuck in my head. Greetings to my doubting generation, and let no one be fooled by our categorical tone. I tossed and turned at night and thought how best to trust, let me decide for myself or insist? Go know.
Our first children have grown up, dispersed around the world, speak many languages. Young people from eight countries gathered for the son’s wedding. And we, the older guests, rejoiced at how beautiful and grown-up our children are. Elegant, witty, moderately respectful. Modern. All the problems associated with them faded against the general festive background.
It turns out that the ideas and methods worked? Unlikely. And does it really matter what we said. I noticed that children can filter the frequency of our voice — selective deafness. The words have melted away, but what binds us remains: the common time of change, their childhood, our youth, hopes, mistakes and victories.
Adults built life by touch in an unfamiliar world, and children grew up side by side, studied, in general, got in the way
My younger children are completely different, more independent, or something. From infancy, the son was sure that for his sake they poured the sea, poured mountains and hung the sun with clouds so that it would not be hot. Now he is in the category of 13-year-old talented lazy people, but he is a stranger to defeat — he believes in himself. My daughter generally seems like an alien to me: she sees through us, gives out adult judgments, but at 11 she plays Winnie the Pooh and conducts separate correspondence with Santa Claus.
With them, I bend my line without a doubt, let them say thanks to the older brother. If I demand, then without looking back, if I give, then without regrets. I have an indulgence — a list from the firstborn. Though… they may already be making their own list for me.