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Parenting: How to Become a Child’s Friend
In raising children, there are two extremes: either shouting or kissing. And we especially tend to throw ourselves at them, if there is no firm support inside, confidence in our righteousness and in our abilities. This can happen when the old foundations are crumbling, and the new ones have not yet won their positions. What to do?
One of the poles of relations with a child is a strict, authoritarian upbringing, the essence of which is vividly reflected by the hackneyed phrase “your milk has not dried on your lips yet.” In the modern world, this approach is gradually losing its relevance, more and more parents are puzzled so that children can express themselves as much as possible without succumbing to imposed stereotypes.
Our fear of suppressing individuality is not in vain: pressure and arguments like “because I said so” only work a short distance and are not proof of genuine concern.
The younger generation feels the new trends of “free” upbringing: we are familiar with the side effects of severity, we choose the other extreme, falling into the trap of permissiveness and indulgence of our child. It is not for nothing that “in Japan, children under 7 are not prohibited from anything”! But the results make parents doubt the correctness of their choice, which is dictated by the desire to grow an independent, independent and strong personality.
It takes more wisdom and courage to be a parent-friend in the truest sense of the word than using the usual carrot and stick methods.
Perhaps the image of a lighthearted liberal mom who can act like a girlfriend is very attractive. Who among us in childhood has not dreamed of modern active parents who do not read lectures and allow you more than their peers?
Freedom of morals is fraught with a latent threat: a friend cannot take responsibility for the life and actions of a child – this is the task of adults!
By allowing children to communicate with us on an equal footing, we inevitably lose their respect. This equality is not so necessary for a child, as we believe: feigned invulnerability is nothing more than a defensive reaction, an unconscious request for help. Desperate attempts to demonstrate their independence signal to parents to show even more sensitivity and tact.
When your preschooler or adolescent is sure that you are on his side, when his basic need – to be safe – is satisfied, he loses the motivation to once again appeal to your attention with antisocial behavior.
And refusing to impose your will on the child, the main thing is not to go too far, because the truth is always in the middle
Observance of the hierarchy in the family is not at all a relic of the past.
The elder must take care of the younger, support and guide him: experience and wisdom cannot compete with the appearance of equality!
The higher position of the parents in no way humiliates the child, but gives him confidence that everything is in its place. And the place of a caring, attentive loving adult is irreplaceable. It is sad that sometimes a deep sacred connection is reduced only to the level of friendship.
By violating the natural hierarchy, we voluntarily release ourselves from our obligations and knock the soil out from under the child’s feet. Freedom from our opinions and rules primarily harms him himself, because neither a tiny child, nor even a junior schoolchild or teenager can independently choose the right guidelines.
Friendship in its most positive sense is to build a respectful relationship with the child, where the rights of the younger are taken into account, but the adult always makes the final decision.
It is important to explain the reasons for your actions, when possible, to be able to ask for forgiveness (we are so often wrong), to use the rights of an elder, but not to look down on them. Then the peace in the family will cease to seem fragile and unstable.
The thin line between trust and honesty
It is a serious mistake to think that we can devote children to our affairs without concealment and wait for understanding. An immature psyche will not cope with this heavy burden: being a child is already not so easy, and knowledge about adult problems will in no way prepare our children for the harsh reality.
By revealing our confusion and powerlessness in front of children, we do not get closer to them, it will rather scare them and make them feel helpless. The basis of the foundations – the belief that parents are in control of everything, will be shaken.
Children instinctively avoid overly frank conversations, fearing that the same sincerity is expected of them in return. And to demand from them to share what is in their souls is the most real violence against a person, because sometimes there are secrets even between close friends. The tacit recognition that each family member has a personal space contributes to the formation of strong healthy relationships.
The role of parents is much more significant – to become for their child the person who will be listened to, who will accept him as he is.
We will not be able to replace children of their peers, so it is worth leaving the right to friendship to them.
It is our reasonable patronage that will allow our children to always feel securely behind.