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There are no ideal parents, but we ourselves and condemning commentators on social networks forget about this. Psychotherapist Amy Morin talks about how to overcome shame and fear of looking bad and turn mistakes into useful life lessons.
All parents make mistakes from time to time, but that doesn’t make them bad. In fact, each such fiasco is a great opportunity to “tune” your parenting skills and teach your child something new.
True, thanks to social networks, the tone in which parental failures are discussed has changed. On the one hand, this format allows you to be more open and share familiar funny moments, on the other hand, it stops you from discussing deeper and more serious topics. If you search social networks for posts with the hashtag #ParentFail (parental mistakes), you can find many funny stories – for example, these:
- “I definitely did something wrong if my son, who was standing in the yard at the house, asked me via Facebook to give him yogurt with me.”
- “My XNUMX year old just announced that he loves Walmart supermarkets because they have free internet.
- “So, if the moms and dads here think they screwed up today, they are wrong. I won. Just two words: “thrown salsa.”
It is wonderful that many people have a sense of humor and are able to laugh at themselves. But not all discussions are as carefree. Parents often judge each other. Post a photo of your child on the beach on a sunny day, and someone will instantly remind you: “It’s bad for children to be in the sun for too long!” And if the baby is happy to chew something high-calorie, you need to prepare for comments like: “I would never let my child eat so much at once. That’s why kids these days are overweight.” Who wants pleasant memories to be criticized and condemned?
Parents are shamed and judged from the outside
Unfortunately, even tragic cases encourage people to take on the role of prosecutors and jurors in the court of public opinion.
When the news broke in May 2016 that a child had fallen into a gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo, his parents were slammed. People demanded that they be brought to trial as criminals, without even knowing the details of the incident. Just a month later, at Disney World, an alligator tried to grab the baby, and in the comments to the articles, the parents were called careless and stupid.
Parents are not only shamed by ordinary readers. Many media are taken to judge and point out what they consider to be mistakes. One publication published the news: Charlize Theron thrashed her four-year-old son in the parking lot. Pictures of a preschooler who didn’t want to get into a car were accompanied by the text: “Relationship experts analyze shocking photos.” The magazine even invited readers to share their views on the educational methods of the actress.
Fear of being bad parents
Due to the fact that moms and dads are strictly judged and shamed, they are afraid to seem “bad”, even if they did nothing wrong. This can lead to three problems. Parents:
- Deny the child the right to make a mistake. Worried that a student forgot his football boots or did his homework carelessly, parents fear for their reputation. In order not to look bad, they insure the child in every possible way. As a result, children do not receive important skills and do not learn independence.
- Hide their mistakes. Nobody wants to be harshly criticized. Sometimes people go to great lengths to hide their parenting mistakes and avoid judgmental comments and unsolicited advice. As a result, the feeling of shame does not go away, and the problems will remain unresolved.
- Forget about your own values. In an attempt to avoid being labeled a “bad parent,” people change their communication habits. It seems to them that the bad behavior of the child will put them in a bad light. Also, many are making a lot of efforts to create the image of an “ideal family” in social networks, distracting from the live process of communication and education.
How to bounce back after making mistakes
Lose your temper, say something harsh and regret it, demonstrate inappropriate behavior to the child – such “failures” are inevitable. But every mistake is an opportunity to improve. Here are five ways to successfully rehabilitate:
- Realize your mistake. Before correcting what you have done, you need to realize that you did wrong.
- Turn it into a lesson. If you hurt your child’s feelings, apologize. Show by example how to take responsibility for your actions. Show your willingness to be better next time.
- Use a sense of humor. A great way to take mistakes lighter is to share them, to laugh at not-too-smart but harmless deeds. This can help you strike up a conversation with other parents who understand you.
- Get support. Find a community where you can talk about difficult cases and “epic” parenting mistakes. Associating with those who understand will help you become better parents. And in difficult times, don’t be afraid to seek professional support.
- Plan to do better in the future. Perhaps you gave in and “bribed” your child or yelled at him too much. Think about what you would like to do next time in a similar situation.
There are no ideal parents
If there’s one thing that can be said for sure about parents, it’s that everyone gets it wrong from time to time. But even if you were perfect, it wouldn’t do your child any good.
He may grow up and settle down with an imperfect roommate, be in a relationship with an imperfect partner, work with imperfect colleagues. Getting along with different people endowed with flaws is an important life skill.
Do not do anything on purpose to teach your child another life lesson. But you can certainly take responsibility for parental failures and set an example of how you can correct the situation, make amends and learn from your own mistakes.
By Amy Morin, psychotherapist, clinical social worker, bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Do.