Worrying about children is natural. But worry can take us too far. Sometimes parents install applications to spy on the correspondence and conversations of the child. What can such control lead to, how to understand when it is necessary, what does the desire to know everything about the life of your child indicate?
Parents want only good things for their children and are very afraid that something bad will happen. But how do you know for sure if your child is skipping classes? Have you become addicted to something harmful? Did you contact a bad company? Or maybe he even swears or comes in to watch adult content?
In the modern world, it is possible not only to control every step of the child, but even to listen to his conversations, and many adults use this. There are quite a lot of applications through which you can monitor children. These are both Russian developments and foreign analogues.
By installing such an application, you can track where your son (or daughter) is, whether his phone is charged, and if you wish, you can read his correspondence and find out what he is talking about and with whom. And you can even eavesdrop on what exactly is happening next to the child at any given time.
It is useful to know where a child, especially a small one, has gone. Not in order to reproach him and forbid something, but in order to come to the rescue in an emergency. But some adults are sure that the child is their property, and all his things belong to them too. They can take the gadget from him, check and see where he went, what he wrote, to whom. Why are they trying to control the lives of children? And how does this affect family relationships?
Mutual distrust
Such checks breed distrust between parents and children. When mom or dad does not take the child at his word and follows him, they grossly violate his boundaries.
“Mom thinks she can take my phone away from me and check websites, social networks, read posts and look at photos. She also follows me through the application and listens to my conversations. Recently, I found that she also rummages through the pockets of my jacket, checks the backpack, sorts through things in the drawers of the table. And then she scolds me if she doesn’t like something there. I don’t understand why she does it. After all, I never hid anything from her before. Now I don’t know how to behave. It seems that they are following me, and I have to lie, ”says Anya, 15 years old.
“Recently, I heard a phrase that describes such situations well,” psychologist Elena Vodyanitskaya comments. — The more straws we spread for children, the brighter the flame that can flare up. And the big question is, for whom are we actually laying this straw … «
Separate facts from emotions
Where does the parent’s concern and sincere interest in the child end, and does strict control begin? When is it about the safety of children, and when is it about the parents’ attempt to cope with their own anxiety?
An overabundance of conflicting information only reinforces parental experiences. And first you need to understand where this anxiety came from, what are its causes not from outside, but inside of us.
“It is important to separate the real facts from your own experiences. Recognize and appropriate anxiety, and not cope with it by violating the personal boundaries of a son or daughter, says the psychologist. The reasons for this anxiety can be very different. For example, the inner desire of a mother or father to do everything right or the fear of not coping with parental responsibilities — then control allows you to avoid shame or guilt. The negative experience of the past or their own psychological trauma, as well as the unwillingness of the parent to let go of the child from themselves, can also play a fatal role. And then it’s worth asking yourself: what is my life filled with besides the child and anxiety about him?
The answer will help you face reality. If our interests and aspirations are focused solely on the needs of the child, and our own goals are relegated to the background, it is worth asking ourselves questions: “Do I really want to live like this? Sooner or later the children will grow up, and what will I be left with when they leave the parental home? How will I fill my time? What can I say about myself, except that I am the father or mother of Vasya and Anya?
Helplessness education
Modern technology allows parents easy ways to reduce their anxiety. But at what cost? Digging through personal belongings, listening to calls and reading correspondence, an adult broadcasts his distrust to a child. It deprives children of the opportunity to gain experience, to live life to the fullest. With strong external control, internal control does not develop. But our goal is to raise someone who can say “stop” on their own, and not at the behest of an elder. The one whose psyche can cope with strong affects, the one who can choose the right path in a difficult situation. And for all this to become real, we need to allow the child, and even more so the teenager, to have his own experience. Build relationships with friends on your own terms. And even more so to communicate with peers in the way he himself wishes.
When parents begin to follow the children, listen in on their conversations and read correspondence, children develop anxiety, they lose the ability to cope with difficulties and self-confidence, they become dependent, helpless. Or they rebel and hide from their parents what they could have shared in a calmer environment. A wall of anxiety and internal tension rises between the parent and the child with his real needs and experiences.
Paradoxically, attempts to control the child, reading his correspondence ultimately leads to the opposite result: the parent never gains the desired control, and the child loses confidence in him. And if children later face a difficult situation, they do not come to mom and dad for help, preferring to cope on their own.
Reading the child’s correspondence and eavesdropping on his conversations, we show him that we are not ready for his independence. We are not ready to give him space for growth and the opportunity to choose his own path.