Pampering cannot be controlled (R. Berman)

Abstract

Modern parents have fallen into yet another pedagogical extreme: today it is considered right to indulge in every possible way, encourage children, approve their every step and in no case scold or upset them. Sounds like a good idea, but in fact, this approach threatens the psychological health of future generations no less than parental tyranny, generally accepted for the past decades. Spoiled, not accustomed to independence, children grow up as infantile and actually immature personalities. Robin Berman, a certified psychotherapist and mother of three, suggests taking the best from the old parenting system (when no one was interested in the needs of children) and from the modern one. In her book, she tried to explain to adults how to show parental love and take care of their children so that they grow up self-confident, independent, happy people who know how to love and make others happy.

Introduction

There are people — and there are many of them — who continue to dream all their lives about loving, caring parents, whom they were not lucky to have. I am a psychotherapist, and I am very often sad when my patients with tears in their eyes remember their childhood, those moments that made them suffer, and admit that this still affects their lives. Many times I dreamed of having a magic wand, going back in time and changing these situations — before they affect my patients, their self-perception and awareness of their place in the world. I hope that this book will become for you the very magic wand that will help you become the kind of parents that children dream of.

I myself love children. For as long as I can remember, they have always surrounded me. I was a babysitter, then a camp counselor, a teacher’s assistant, and finally entered medical school with dreams of becoming a pediatrician or child psychiatrist. And then I realized that children who are healthy in all respects grow up only with healthy parents — and I decided that this is the area where my vocation lies. If we pay more attention to exactly how we carry out parenting responsibilities, we will thereby save our children from many troubles in the future. Think about how much freer and happier you would be if your parents were more sensible in their upbringing and cared more about what you really need.

When I wrote this book, my only goal was to awaken the best feelings in the souls of dads and moms so that they take their parenting responsibilities with all responsibility. As a doctor, I believe in prevention. And this book is primarily a means of preventing parental mistakes. I sincerely hope that what I have written will help you build a deeper and more emotional relationship with your children. I have never been close to the traditional ideas of parenthood that have survived from the time when a child was seen but not heard, when punishments were exclusively physical and did not take long to wait, and beating children was considered quite natural. Back then, shaming and intimidation were perceived as effective methods of controlling children’s behavior, and I have heard from adults today that in childhood they were afraid of their parents or constantly felt a sense of shame. I can assure you that this is not at all conducive to cultivating self-esteem.

Today, the generation of eternally rejected children has grown up and wants to give their children more attention than they got from their parents themselves. These new parents read books, go to lectures, learn progressive ideas. Many of them are seriously concerned about instilling self-respect in their children. I like their approach. But, as when playing with a broken phone, its meaning is lost in the course of action. As a result, instead of just getting the right to vote that did not belong to them before, children become the center of the universe. The usual family hierarchy collapses, and the child becomes the boss, bossing around the elders as he pleases. Somehow, the idea of ​​nurturing a child with adequate self-esteem turned into a desire to give him the right to behave as he pleases, to flinch at his every move, shower him with excessive praise, never say «no» — all for fear of hurting his feelings.

In an attempt to satisfy any desire of the child to make him happy, parents achieve the opposite result. The pendulum swung the other way — and this led to the emergence of a whole generation of princes and princesses on the pea, each of whom considers himself the chosen one and at the same time succumbs to the slightest difficulty. The desire to instill self-esteem in children turned out to be its wrong side — and all because of a misunderstanding of what, in fact, this feeling grows from. Parents of such children think more about distinctions than about academic results, and they consider competition more important than mutual understanding. Caught in a rapidly changing world, we have lost the ability to look into the distance, lost inner harmony and peace of mind. And is it any wonder that we have not been able to give our children what we do not possess ourselves? The pendulum has swung too hard. As a result, children no longer feel excluded — instead, they have become objects of overprotection. At the same time, their most important deep needs are still not satisfied. With the best of intentions, we left them vulnerable to stress. As a result, children and adolescents are increasingly suffering from increased levels of anxiety, depression, drug addiction and suicidal tendencies. And I think that I just have to help them.

So, is it really impossible to avoid extremes in education and find a golden mean? Perhaps it is to select the best from the experience of our parents and from the latest theories, discarding what is not useful?

For example, in the past, the main thing was respect for parents, but today we raise respect for children to the shield. But what if we try to build relationships based on mutual respect?

In the old days, children were afraid of their parents, today they successfully suppress them emotionally. Perhaps it is worth setting boundaries within which everyone will feel loved and significant?

«You should be ashamed!» Previously, this phrase was a familiar mantra that poisoned the lives of many children. Today we overfeed them with endless «Great!» and «Well done!». Let’s try to praise children for specific achievements worthy of encouragement. And the word «ashamed» is better to be thrown out of your dictionary altogether.

We constantly drag children to various activities, place unlimited hopes on them — and at the same time on ourselves — and as a result deprive ourselves of the opportunity to simply spend time together, in the family circle. Parenting is turning from a close relationship into a profession. But still, this is primarily a relationship with the child, and it is extremely important for him. After all, our ideas about ourselves are formed, for the most part, based on how we were treated in childhood. It is in childhood that babies learn love and trust. In childhood, the foundations of our self-perception are laid, the core of personality is formed. A strong emotional connection with parents gives a sense of security, which helps to live in peace with ourselves and boldly build our own destiny. That is why I decided to write a book on this connection. Working on it, I could be guided solely by my own experience — a mother, a psychotherapist and a leader of parent groups. But still, I wanted to cover the problem more widely, using the knowledge and experience of my favorite teachers, talented mentors, parents, wonderful pediatricians, experienced general practitioners, and the children themselves too. I proceeded from the fact that the ideas that unite such dissimilar people would certainly help us to look at the problem in a new way, more emotionally and at the same time more sensibly, and, perhaps, to understand that it is simpler than it seems. This book is a collection of collective wisdom. Here I will share with you the opinions of people with whose help I manage to resolve my own parental doubts. After all, what could be worse than dealing with them alone! It is too complicated, and every time it is simply not possible to find the right solution. This is beyond anyone’s power. Even if at one time or another you know exactly what to do, your instincts can easily react faster than your mind. Sometimes parenting seems like an overwhelming burden. And this is understandable: after all, you are so worried, you love so much, you want to do everything right! .. Well, now the experience of many people will come to your aid. You are free to take from it what seems reasonable and appropriate to you, discarding the rest. I wrote the interview for this book by hand — with an ordinary pen on plain paper. I tried to record as fully as possible the thoughts that my interlocutors generously shared with me. But I did not record them verbatim and did not check the stated facts. I just tried to capture the main thing in each of the stories told. I present many of them exactly as I heard them, without a single edit. However, I removed or changed those details that could help to recognize the characters. Some of the stories described unfolded over many days or even years — I have combined disparate episodes to more vividly express the essence of what was happening and more clearly convey to you the thoughts of my interlocutors. There are cases here both from my own practice and from the lives of my patients, there are also stories that I read about, heard about or watched their development from the outside.

Working on this book taught me a lot. And the main conclusion I made sounds like this: to be a parent means to educate, first of all, yourself, and then your children. They give us the opportunity to grow and become more mature individuals — if, of course, we allow them to do this. But only in this case we can become those wonderful parents that we dream of being. And by giving our children the best that is in us, we thus get the opportunity to thank them for entrusting us with the most valuable of duties — the education of their souls.

Chapter 1

I often ask modern moms the question: “If you got on a plane and saw a four-year-old pilot in the cockpit, would you feel safe?” Remember: you are flying the plane, not your child.

Idell Natterson, psychologist

If you want to know what modern parenting is like, head to Starbucks. No doubt you will soon meet at least one child there. Oh, and here he is: a charming four-year-old boy with touching blond curls. But all the charm disappears instantly, as soon as he opens his mouth and starts whining, begging his mother for cookies and a chocolate shake — although this is not the first time she asks him to choose one of them.

At this point, everyone standing in line turns to the ear: they hope that the mother will still hold her positions, although deep down they know very well that she is unlikely to succeed. At least, I always root for an outsider athlete whose name is mother. The louder the child brawls, the more embarrassing others experience. “I want both a cocktail and a cookie! I don’t want to choose! You are angry!» The whole line rolls their eyes. At this point, I have to pull myself together so as not to interfere. Finally, I go to the counter, order a latte, and see the boy smile triumphantly at me with a cookie and a chocolate shake in his hands. I smile back at him and think, “Well, see you on my couch in 20 years!”

Why is this scene perceived as something completely ordinary in modern parenting culture? Why do modern parents allow children to emotionally suppress themselves? Mothers and fathers often feel like hostages of their offspring. Previously, no one listened to children — but now they have become the center of the universe. The pendulum has swung the other way — and now we have to find a middle ground between these two extremes of education.

I think modern parents are too frivolous about maintaining their own authority. Once they were held in a fist and did not spare a belt for them — and they swore that they would never hit their child. It’s a great idea — but don’t you think we’ve gone too far? The structure of parental authority is broken. Modern parents are afraid to take the position that is theirs by right — the position on the captain’s bridge. But if there is no captain on the ship, it will not sail or, even worse, it will go to the bottom.

I’m often tempted to take a prescription and write on it, «I give you permission to be a parent.»

Many doctors offer similar recipes:

Parenting is an autocracy, not a democracy. Children must follow the rules, otherwise they will become unruly.

Dr. Lee Stone, pediatrician

Children want to know that someone is responsible for them, someone is protecting them. Don’t be afraid to assume that your opinion is good for the child. Don’t be afraid to take responsibility.

Dr. Daphne Hirsch, Pediatrician

The parent is a benevolent dictator.

Dr. Robert Landau, pediatrician

You can’t let patients run a psychiatric hospital.

Dr. Ken Newman, pediatrician

Today, children, unfortunately, too often find themselves at the helm. And remember: if you indulge in their bad behavior, you will inevitably come to this result.

At a birthday celebration, a seven-year-old girl approached the hostess and asked if ice cream would be served with the cake, and if so, would it be with chocolate chips or not? The mother of the birthday boy, completely exhausted by the festive fuss, muttered in response: “Probably yes.” And so, when the moment of the traditional chant “Happy birthday to you!” came, Suzy’s displeased demanding voice was heard: “I want ice cream!” The mother of the birthday boy was clearly angry: the girl did not even think to accompany her request with the words “sorry” or “please”. Nevertheless, she took out a carton of ice cream with biscuit slices and began filling Susie’s plate. “It’s not with chocolate chips! Susie screamed even louder and more capriciously. — It’s with a biscuit! You promised chocolate chips! I don’t like it with biscuit!» The mother of the birthday man affectionately turned to the girl: “Sorry, I was mistaken. I thought it was chocolate chip. If you don’t want biscuit ice cream, get popsicles.»

You probably already guessed what happened next. Of course, everything was not as we would like. Of course, ideally, Suzy’s mother should have appeared on the stage right away, who would gently explain to her daughter that her disappointment is understandable, but she was offered a choice of two types of dessert, and if this does not suit her, there is a third way — to get up and leave with holiday, since she is not able to behave appropriately. And without exception, all the parents who were present at the celebration would have secretly dreamed that Suzy would choose the third path …

«I don’t want popsicles! And I don’t like it with biscuit!» Susie continued to scream.

All eyes were on Susie’s mother, who, getting up from her seat, was heading towards her daughter. The drama of this scene made the guests forget even about the birthday boy: they watched intently how the mother was trying to calm her child. “Darling, my sun, my angel! The biscuit ice cream is just amazing! Well, try it, please!” she persuaded the girl. Susie was still looking at her furiously. “You love popsicles! her mother continued. “Do you want an orange?” “No-e-e-t! Susie sobbed. “I want it with chocolate chips!” We all looked at Susie’s mother, as if spellbound, with our necks stretched out, like spectators at a tennis match, in the hope that the athlete would have enough strength for the winning shot. But Susie’s mother did something we never expected. Instead of calmly insisting on her own, asserting her parental authority, she began frantically picking pieces of biscuit from her plate, throwing them into her mouth. She tried her best to fulfill the role of peacemaker to the end. I felt like a victim on a prank TV show. We waited and waited… But Ashton Kutcher never showed up.

Possession of unlimited power is not safe, first of all, for the child himself. Parents are dancing more and more desperately in front of their child, trying to appease him, instead of finally asserting their authority and setting clear boundaries. And if you increasingly catch yourself trying to bribe a child or bargain with him, you should know that you have lost power in the family and are no longer in control of the situation.

First, understand that children who have too much power do not feel safe. They often experience anxiety because they believe that they themselves must control their own lives — while realizing that they are not yet able to do this. This stress, in turn, triggers a veritable avalanche of dangerous neurochemical reactions. With your own hands, creating a situation in which the developing brain of a child literally drowns in the “stress hormone” — cortisol — is not the wisest step on the part of parents.

I have often had to treat adult patients who suffered from excessive anxiety. One of them very accurately described this problem: “As a child, I felt very uncomfortable, realizing how easily I could manipulate my parents. There was some danger in that.»

It seems to me that modern parents do not know how to experience moments when their children experience negative emotions. But you will have to learn to observe their disappointments and other unpleasant feelings without immediately rushing to save them from their experiences. Otherwise, you will inevitably, albeit unintentionally, disfigure the child’s psyche. After all, if you are not able to survive their negative emotions, how can they learn this themselves?

Your job as a parent is to teach your child to calm down. You have to help him build his own «emotional immunity». The vaccine injects a microscopic dose of bacteria or viruses into our bloodstream, thereby helping to build immunity in case we encounter a real infection. Consider that by helping children cope with bad feelings, rather than trying to get rid of them instantly, you are giving them an «emotional vaccine,» a weapon that will help them cope with emotional problems in the future. Parents who are afraid to think of upsetting their precious child and who are trying at all costs to protect him from disappointment do the child a disservice.

By worthily fulfilling parental duties, you may lose the favor of your offspring for a while. But in this case, keep thinking: «Now you hate me — but later you will thank me.» Are you willing to put up with a little bit of whining in order to raise a confident adult out of a child?

Think about what behavioral strategy Susie was taught by her mother? “If you are unhappy — scream and act up as loudly as possible to insist on your own. Your whims are more important than the desires of any of those present.» Try to imagine what baby Susie will be like when she grows up. Would you like to date such a girl? Most likely, after the first meeting, no one wants to continue a relationship with her.

Our excessive kindness can eventually turn into cruelty. To do the right thing, we need courage and common sense. Seek support in understanding the fact that authoritative parents—those who listen to the child’s opinion, encourage him to be independent, and at the same time clearly and consistently defend his dominant position—end up with children who are perfectly adapted to life. Today it is much easier to spoil a child than it is to set the necessary boundaries, but in the end, it is your responsibility to help your child manage and regulate their emotions. If parents are helpless in front of their children’s feelings, they will inevitably grow up to be emotionally vulnerable people.

My problem is that the kids know that my «no» really means «maybe».

Mother of three, New York

It is impossible to become a real parent by following the path of least resistance.

Mark, divorced father

The only way to complicate your child’s adult life is to make his childhood too simple.

Betsy Brown, parenting consultant

Modern parents are ready to endure children’s vzbriki and whims for too long. Some mothers seem to have an endless supply of patience — they are ready to endlessly bargain with their children and endure their tantrums, while feeling like the heroines of the Stepford Wives2. Their children are capricious, whine, scream, and their parents only helplessly listen to these cries.

I’m just wondering how many young parents of today can say, «If you do this one more time, then I…»?

Carrie, grandma

What amazes me most is how helpful parents become when their child begins to bargain with them. It seems that they are touched by how clever and quick-witted their child shows himself — instead of finally getting tired of his endless attempts to defend his desires. The simplest tasks, such as going to bed or leaving the park, lead to arguments for a quarter of an hour. It’s really exhausting.

The power structure in the family has been turned on its head, and as a result, many children feel weighed down by this burden. They talk more and faster just to get their way, and eventually everyone gets stressed out. Parents ask me again and again: how to get back to the right state of affairs?

The most effective method to help stop the little talker is what I call reverse negotiation. It is somewhat like a magic spell. It works like this: you must tell the child that you are no longer going to bargain with him. If you think this task is incredibly difficult, it will turn out to be so. But wait, that’s not all! Next, you explain to the child that if he once again tries to bargain for something for himself, he will not receive not only what he hopes for, but also what you offered him from the very beginning. Let’s look at a small example:

PARENT: You go to bed at eight o’clock tonight.

CHILD: But I want to play until half past eight!

PARENT: No, you go to bed at eight.

CHILD: But it’s too soon!

PARENT: Go to bed at a quarter to eight.

CHILD: Okay, at eight.

PARENT: No, it’s only half past seven now.

Your task is to insist on this, the last time you go to bed. Hold fast to your position. No concessions! And don’t panic ahead of time. Ahhh… and silence. All is calm, all is well. It’s like someone finally turned off the radio, which was an annoying background. If you manage to hold your ground, your little speaker will disappear — and in his place there will be a lovely child in cute pajamas, ready to immediately lie down in bed. Creeble-crable-booms! And magically, this eternal phrase «If you ever try again …», spinning in your head like a broken record, will instantly stop.

Sometimes love is embodied in the word «no».

Marianne Williamson, writer

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE WORD «NO»

Verified by psychotherapists

Moms Approved

No.

No is a complete sentence.

No is my final answer.

No — this means that it is useless to bargain.

No doesn’t mean «maybe».

The center of the world

First, let’s be clear about what is not part of your parenting responsibilities. You should not be for a child an overgrown playmate in the sandbox, a multifunctional entertainment center in 3D format, and even more so a “live dummy”, that is, an improvised sedative. If you take any child’s whim to heart, remember: by doing so, you turn the child into an egoist, unable to think about the needs of others. Let’s pause for a moment and consider what message we are conveying to a child throwing a tantrum at Starbucks or at a birthday party. We kind of teach him: “Scream louder, scream more hysterically — and then you will get cookies and a chocolate shake, and all this — in addition to vanilla ice cream, from which, look, I have already dug out all the pieces of biscuit!” Teaching children understanding and empathy, explaining that the world does not revolve around them, means giving them much more valuable life lessons. To be honest, I would really like to be able to tell Susie’s mother what she should be doing along the way:

Step 1. Stop for a second, calm down.

Step 2. Acknowledge the child’s feelings: «I understand you’re upset.»

Step 3. Mark the boundary: «You can’t behave like that.»

Step 4. Give yourself the opportunity to choose the right behavior strategy: «Choose one of the two desserts.»

Step 5. Outline the consequences of further disobedience: «If you can’t control your behavior, we’ll get out of here.»

Step 6. Hold your position firmly. Surprise the parents watching you: really take the child away from the holiday. You will see: you are led off with thunderous applause.

You must be ready to leave the holiday decisively. If a child behaves inappropriately, this must be stopped. He must firmly understand that your threats are not an empty phrase. You will earn a lot of points in the eyes of other mothers if, after promising to take the child away from the festival, you really do it.

Mother of three

What Susie really needs is a clear boundary, a firm understanding that you can’t be overly demanding and bully others in an attempt to get what you want. She needs to understand how to deal with her dissatisfaction in cases where her desires are not fulfilled, learn to be flexible and find compromises. Her mother, in turn, should be calm about her daughter’s disappointment instead of immediately rushing to the rescue.

Always think about what you inspire the child with your behavior, what you teach him. In the midst of a conflict, try to take a deep breath, take a break and look at what is happening from the side. And then look ahead and ask yourself: are you helping to educate the child in those qualities that you yourself consider significant? Will your current behavior help the child’s development in the long term, or are you just trying to solve a momentary problem at any cost? For example, if Susie’s mother taught her daughter a lesson in proper behavior, it would bring long-term benefits.

The reaction of the child should not affect your parental position. I assure you, this compass will lead you nowhere. Remember: you are older, wiser and more adequate to judge what is happening. Do not let your children plunge you into doubt, and even if your child scandals more and more, do not start yourself.

One day, the daughter screamed: “Mom, if I ask for something, do not immediately say “yes”! Finally say no! I was shocked.

Mother of an only child

Today, before our eyes, a generation of selfish people who do not understand the needs of other people is growing. One day on the first day of work, a nanny asked her mother to instruct her on how to communicate with her seven-year-old ward. “Let him command and the day will pass without problems!” Mom answered. Perhaps in this way the nanny will really be able to provide herself with an easy working day — but, undoubtedly, such an approach promises a hard life for the boy himself in the future. On the same day, the nanny told him to collect the toys. «I’ll tell my mom and she’ll fire you!» he said in response.

This is not good — no, perhaps there should be a stronger word — it’s just terrible when a child has so much power! The worldly views of this boy are too far from reality. He will grow up, and his inflated sense of self-worth will greatly interfere with him at school, and subsequently alienate potential employers. But if children have learned to observe the hierarchy in the family, then they will be able to do it without problems at school, at work and in life in general.

One way to let children know that not everything in the world is under their control is to deny them what they want but do not fall into the category of necessary. For example, one mother somehow withstood a whole battle when buying swimming trunks at Bloomingdale’s. Her 13-year-old son actively pushed for the designer item. But the mother, just by looking at the price tag, immediately said firmly “no”, explaining: “I will not buy you an expensive thing that you will grow out of very quickly.” The boy continued to beg, and then, seeing that his mother firmly stood her ground, he was completely upset. “Well, why not? he moaned. “You can afford it!” “Yes, I can,” said the mother. “But I don’t think it would be a reasonable spend. If you want, then you can sue me for teaching you the principle of reasonable spending. «Okay, you’re right,» the boy finally gave up. In such cases, you must be ready to insist on your own to the end, acting not in the way that is easier, but in the way that is more useful for the child.

But if sometimes you insist on your own, and sometimes you give up positions, this will lead to disastrous consequences. In psychotherapy, we call this «variable reinforcement,» meaning that the reinforcement received in response to a particular behavior is unpredictable. Gambling is a great example of this phenomenon. By throwing a coin into a slot machine, you can sometimes hit the jackpot, but in the vast majority of cases this does not happen. Nevertheless, you again and again return to the machine and throw a coin with the same thought: «What if …». Variable reinforcement can help perpetuate bad behavior. If children feel that your threats are empty words and that you are only sometimes able to get your way, it will be almost impossible to get them to obey. If you say no but end up giving up four out of five times, your words won’t mean anything.

Children learn best when you insist on it all the time. We call this «fixed reinforcement». It is this behavior of yours that teaches children what you say, what you think, and do what you say. If you don’t know how to get your way, children come to the conclusion that you are not trustworthy. The type of reinforcement we use has a decisive influence on how the child acts, how he reacts to us and how he behaves. Your demands are best received if they are consistent. You will be surprised how quickly a child’s behavior will change if you learn to constantly and unfailingly insist on your own.

No hands!

In modern family practice, I am most amazed and horrified by the fact that children beat their parents! Alas, such monstrous and categorically unacceptable behavior is by no means uncommon today. Of course, when previous generations of parents considered it normal to raise a hand against a child, it was no less terrible. Parents should never use physical punishment, and there can be no exceptions to this rule. By such a bad example, you teach the child that it is possible to solve problems with the help of violence. You yourself, with your own hands, teach him uncontrollable behavior. Let’s think about what message you are conveying in this way: “My child is behaving badly. I’ll give him a good beating and let him know that if he’s upset about something, all he has to do is go and beat someone!” That’s what he learns, that’s what you teach him. Yes, you will be able to achieve immediate obedience here and now, but in the long run you are likely to create many problems. Studies show that children who have been subjected to physical punishment are more likely to be unable to obey the requirements of discipline, more likely to show physical aggression, become victims of various kinds of addictions and experience mental problems more often. “I was flogged — and nothing, I grew up as a normal person!” — this excuse is very common, but that does not make it any less vile. Memories of physical punishment experienced in childhood are still painful for many adults. And the fact that parents have spanked their children for centuries does not make spanking the right or even acceptable parenting method.

However, it is no less disgusting when today, with the hierarchy of power turned inside out, children raise their hands against their parents.

Today, fathers and mothers send their children this message: “You are upset — well, come here and give me a good slap in the face!” You, albeit unintentionally, teach him to raise his hand to those close to him — to do what, as already mentioned, should never be done.

In the park, a mother chatting with a group of similar young parents informed her four-year-old daughter that they had to leave in five minutes. The child, having squinted, whined that he wanted to take a walk more. Mom replied that they no longer had time — and then the girl hit her in the face. The embarrassed woman laughed nervously — and returned to the interrupted conversation. The rest of the mothers were shocked — and no wonder: after all, if a child allows himself to hit his mother or father, then all respect for parents is lost.

A class needs a teacher, a ship needs a captain, a country needs a president, and a child needs a parent. Your duties are not to entertain your child, but to raise and educate him. That is, to establish rules and boundaries, remaining within which the child will be safe.

Too much information

Another inflection that characterizes today’s parenting culture is over-talk and over-information. Previously, it was enough for parents to say: “No, because I said so.” Well, today we, on the contrary, are ready to explain our every step until we’re blue in the face.

Today’s generation of parents speaks without stopping for a second. Fathers and mothers are not able to just spend time with children — they try to keep in touch with them through constant conversations. But it can drive kids crazy! Children switch off after the first words — they just stop listening.

Early childhood education specialist

I watched a two-year-old girl play on the balcony while her mother kept up a non-stop monologue: “Emmy, don’t get too close to the edge! You can fall and hit hard! It will be terrible! When you get this close to the edge, I get nervous. You make mom nervous! I will have to go to a psychotherapist soon. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you!»

Too much information. The child is only two years old! It is enough for mom to limit herself to a short one: “Honey, you can’t go there!” And that’s it!

Talk to your child briefly and kindly. Feed him small pieces of information that he can easily digest. If a parent talks too much, the child may stop understanding his words — or, even worse, absorb parental fears and complexes for life. Think for yourself how easily and simply, albeit unintentionally, we dump our own problems on our children! Isn’t it better for children to do without this baggage?

Doctors are known to take the Hippocratic Oath. It would be great if parents would take a similar oath, in which, like doctors, the main point would be: “Do no harm!”.

We must unlearn to talk to children about all our own fears and worries. To do this, you need to consciously cleanse your speech from such rubbish. The child’s brain is constantly evolving — so don’t fill it with unnecessary facts, informational noise, or, even worse, our own anxieties. Before you speak, take a deep breath and take a few moments to reflect. Throw out from the prepared speech that the child should not hear. In this case, the less said, the better.

This generation talks too much. Meanwhile, the habit of excessive talk weakens your position as a person invested with power. And the kids don’t feel safe anymore.

Physician practicing in one of the states of the Midwest

Today parents talk too much. The kids just get lost.

Phyllis Klein, early childhood education specialist

Too wide selection

Another problem, much like talking too much, is the problem of giving children too much choice. It also upsets the balance and can be overwhelming for the child. Parents today are empowering their children to make more and more decisions on their own, thus turning the power system inherent in the family on its head.

With the possible exception of the royal offspring of the Ming Dynasty, today’s young Americans are the most spoiled children in the history of mankind, endowed with unprecedented power.

Elizabeth Colbert. Spoiled, The New Yorker

It is difficult for a child to constantly make independent choices. I was very surprised when I once witnessed how a mother consulted with a five-year-old daughter about her future career: “Do you think mom should go to a new job, to a bank, or stay at her old job?”

Attention, this is dangerous for the child’s psyche! The baby’s brain is not yet ready to make such serious decisions! The frontal lobes of the brain responsible for critical thinking in children are still at a very early stage of development and will finish forming at the age of well over 20. So your young offspring, from the point of view of neurology, is not yet ready to make decisions for you. At that time, the girl, looking at her mother, gave out: “What ?!” Well, well said.

Children can be given the right to make decisions — but in accordance with their age. «Would you like chicken or pasta?» — a normal choice for a five-year-old girl. But forcing her to weigh the pros and cons of working in a bank is absurd.

Deal with child dissatisfaction

Parents today are far more concerned with befriending their children than asserting their own authority. And children meanwhile need a leader. They like to admire a person who is bigger, stronger and wiser than them.

Ellen Basian, PhD, psychologist

By trying to become a friend to your child, you are playing with him on an equal footing. The problem is that there is no equality between you and cannot be. Building friendships with children, we again violate the structure of power in the family. If you are a friend and not a parent, then your child is an orphan. Psychologist and writer Wendy Mogel described this problem very aptly: “Your child does not need an extra pair of overage buddies. He already has friends — and they are all funnier and cooler than you. But he needs parents.”

As a psychotherapist, I often meet with patients who dreamed that their parents would finally take up their duties. So, the mother of Jill, one of my patients, all the time tried to become a board for her daughter. She treated her company to alcoholic drinks when they were still minors, turned on her daughter’s favorite music at full volume in the car and dressed in the latest youth fashion. When Jill, then 25, invited her mother for a joint psychotherapy session, she was shocked.

“Jill, you are my best friend,” her mother began. “You have always been her, even when you were a baby. I don’t understand what’s wrong?»

Jill looked at her mother, and tears welled up in her eyes. “Mom, you tried your best to be my girlfriend,” she replied. “But I have many friends, and my mother has only one. I don’t want you to be my girlfriend — I want you to be my mother!»

This is a very important point. Children need parents, children want them in their lives. And let your offspring be dissatisfied with you from time to time because you competently fulfill your parental duties. In cases like this, take a cue from the greatest US presidents, such as Abraham Lincoln. Notice how history has favored rulers who held fast to the course they thought was right, even if it caused them to lose the favor of their contemporaries.

One wonderful father learned firsthand how setting boundaries helps build a sense of security in a child. His son’s mother died when he was an infant. Jay did not know the happiness of unconditional motherly love. Because of this, his father suffered greatly — and as a result spoiled his son. He never punished the boy for bad behavior. At the age of 10, Jay made a huge scandal in the store. He wanted to buy a film that distributors didn’t recommend for children under 13 and that his father considered unsuitable for his son’s age. Jay threw a real tantrum, falling to the floor and kicking his legs. Prior to this, I had tried many times with his father to convince him to set boundaries for the boy and consistently force him to stick to them. However, before that incident, the man did not have the courage to follow my advice. But then, finally, his patience ran out. He calmly told his son that they were going home without the film. Jay sobbed all the way home. But after about an hour, the boy already looked absolutely happy, laughing and joking with his father. And at some point he asked: “Dad, we didn’t buy the film — so why is it so great for me?”

Rules give children peace and confidence.

Judy Mansfield, elementary school teacher

Discipline and setting boundaries is a way to love your children.

mother of two children

You must do what you deep down think is right, even if it means losing points in your child’s eyes. Children do not need to understand the reasons for your actions. Unlike them, you have experience, knowledge and the ability to see the future, which is not yet available to children.

We must be able to surround the child with love at the moment when he experiences anger, suffering, disappointment, and let him experience these feelings in safety. We must be able to stay firmly on course, even if a storm of emotions overwhelms our offspring. So go ahead, allow yourself to be free and get rid of the fear of looking like a “bad boy” in the eyes of a child. Calmly take today’s discontent of your child — and, I assure you, history will be favorable to you.

When I was 14, my father seemed so clueless to me that I could hardly tolerate his presence around. When I turned 21, I was amazed at how much my old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

Therapist’s Notes

Hate Now, Thank You Later

1. The parent is a benevolent dictator. Rules make the child feel safe.

2. Don’t let your child emotionally overwhelm you. Emotionally unstable parents raise emotionally unstable children.

3. A child who has received too much power most often experiences discomfort because of this.

4. Trying to satisfy any whim of a child, you run the risk of growing an egocentric out of him, unable to cope with life’s difficulties.

5. Imagine what the future holds for a child who has never been punished for bad behavior and, as a result, never learned to take responsibility for his actions. Would you like to deal with such a person when he becomes an adult?

6. If you tell your child: «Do it again — and I …» — do what you promised. Persistence and the ability to see things through to the end are essential to maintaining your child’s emotional peace and your own mental health.

7. Remember the main goal — to grow a good person out of a child. Repeat the mantra regularly: “Now you hate, you will thank later.”

8. Speak less, narrow your choice, choose simple language. In this case, less is better.

9. When you say «no,» mean «no.»

10. Use the «inverted bargaining» technique: the more the child argues, the less he gets. It works just as well as a magic spell.

Chapter 2

The history of childhood is not written in chalk, the traces of which can be erased in one second. It is carved in stone once and for all.

Sue Enquist, coach and softball player

A few years ago, I worked with a 75-year-old widower who had been happily married for many years and had now started dating women again, but was very uncomfortable with it. As he talked about his current relationship, he suddenly reminisced about how his mother had treated him as a child. And having finished, he asked me: “Why, having lived in the world for 75 years, do I always remember only the first 18?”

Because it is in the first 18 years of life that we learn to love. Relationships with parents are the first relationships with people that we have to build, and they have the greatest influence on the formation of our personality. Having a connection with the parents helps the child become an adjusted adult. Or not become. The long-term destructive influence of a weak connection with parents is a problem for many of my patients.

A strong bond with parents is extremely important for the formation of self-esteem. The love experienced in childhood has a huge impact on how you perceive yourself, build relationships with the world, love and allow yourself to be loved. Relationships with your parents ultimately shape your personality.

Lack of a strong and secure connection with them has a very strong impact on the whole life and can lead to feelings of rejection and unworthiness. How often do psychotherapists hear from their patients, no matter how much they have achieved in life, the complaint: “Love is hard for me to accept. Deep inside I’m still not sure I’m worthy of her. I feel lonely and empty!” A person who has not received the experience of unconditional love in his time can turn to substitutes for this feeling — such as food, alcohol, material values, etc. Well, children connected with their parents by bonds of love — or, as psychotherapists say, by secure attachment — have a well-developed emotional sphere. Deep contact with parents gives them the opportunity for the rest of their lives to build healthy relationships — first with themselves, and then with others.

Most parents would like to create those bonds rather than push their child onto the therapist’s couch. A significant part of parental mistakes is made unintentionally, and not at all out of bad motives. Well, then, we should learn to be more conscious of our parenting responsibilities.

Love for a child is an instinct. Parenting is a skill that can be learned.

Harvey Karp, pediatrician, writer

Modern parents strive to be closer to the child — but are they doing it right? Are we trying so hard to be good parents that we’re missing the point — a close bond based on love?

Authentic, lasting intimacy is built on three pillars—love, boundaries, and time. This is a recipe for peace in the family.

Love

As a child, I bathed in parental love. And I know that my current self-confidence grew out of that love.

David, graduate student at the University of Chicago

Unconditional love is the greatest gift you can give a child. Confidence that we are loved regardless of our behavior and achievements is the basis of self-confidence.

At 13, Bobby was already a pretty good baseball pitcher. At the end of the season, his team found themselves in a difficult situation, and he simply needed to outplay the opposing team’s batsman in order to ensure himself and his comrades a victory in the league championship. The whole stadium kept their eyes on Bobby, who threw one ball after another past. Alas, in the end, Bobby missed the strike zone four times and brought defeat to his team. He was in despair. He cried all the way home, and at home he continued to sob until he fell asleep.

The next morning, he found a note on the floor of his room, which his father slipped under the door: “Dear Bobby! For me, you will always be the best player!” Two years later, Bobby clutched the note in tears as he delivered a speech over his father’s coffin. Because of this note, he knew that he would always feel love. Thanks to her, his father forever remained the closest person to him.

Parenthood is always a heroic journey, a lifelong love story, and sometimes more. And the author of this story is you. Every day you write her script and play her on the stage of life.

When I was still in medical school, I had a chance to encounter a 70-year-old cancer patient. After examining her and giving her pain medication, I asked if she needed anything. I will never forget her answer: «I only want my mommy.»

Her mother had died 20 years before we met, and yet the mere memory of her brought comfort to my patient. How lucky are those to whom fate gave such parents!

This is what we should strive for — to be understanding and sympathetic parents, the memory of which our children will carry through their lives. The main thing that a worthy parent should do is to give the child this feeling of love, in which he will be sure. A secure attachment is formed when parents constantly attend to the needs of their children. She is the basic material from which feelings are created, she supplies us with a store of spiritual resources for life and helps to gain emotional stability. It determines who your child will become. Secure attachment is at the heart of true parenting. It is like cement: only built with its help, our inner world will be able to withstand without loss the onslaught of worldly storms that every person on earth inevitably faces.

Love is a powerful foundation. When someone sees us as we are, knows everything about us and adores us for it, this is truly the highest form of love.

The main thing is contact. I want my daughter to feel how much I love her. I’m not in a hurry, I lean towards her, I sit down on the floor. I want to be in her territory. I don’t want to be a father who looks down on his child. I want to be as close as possible to her — eye to eye, so that our souls are open to each other.

Father of three children

Finding contact with the child, establishing a connection is the most important thing that you can do for him. Remember, if you really listen, you can hear the baby even if he didn’t say a word.

During my internship, I worked for about six months in the children’s department. I remember how pediatricians distributed patients among themselves during the night shift. “Who to the dying? the senior resident asked indifferently. “She only has a couple of days left.”

It was with a heavy heart that I listened to the story of an eight-year-old girl who has lost the ability to speak since her parents died of AIDS two years earlier. And now, all alone, she was dying in our hospital from the same disease. At three o’clock in the morning, deciding to visit her, I quietly looked into the ward. She seemed to me quite small and thin, like a reed. She did not sleep — she lay, silently staring at the ceiling. I introduced myself, but the girl didn’t even look at me. I absentmindedly leafed through her medical history, realizing that there was no point in it. I knew my job was to check the patient’s vital signs. While I tried to fit the cuff of the blood pressure monitor on her arm, as thin as a twig, she still stared silently at the ceiling. The skin on her thin, diseased body was dry and cracked, bones clearly showing through it. I was overcome by a sense of my own helplessness.

And then I made up my mind. Forgetting about the meaningless medical manipulations, I picked up a tube of cream and began to gently rub it into my cracked feet and shins. When I moved to the hands, the girl looked at me for the first time. Trying not to let go of her gaze, I massaged her for another half an hour in complete silence. As I put my hand on the doorknob as I left, a faint voice behind me whispered, «Thank you.» I cried all the way to the staff room. The next morning, during my rounds, I learned that the girl had died at about five in the morning. At that moment, I felt intense gratitude for the connection between us — albeit such a short one.

We all dream of a relationship full of deep understanding. Every child wants to be understood, loved and cared for. But sometimes, to find the key to such a relationship, you have to try and act like real detectives. The main rule that we have hardened at the Faculty of Medicine was: «Listen to the patient — and he himself will name his diagnosis.» If you really listen carefully to your children, they will tell you what they are.

A good parent knows the secret of his child. He puts the pieces of the puzzle together, picks up the keys to understand what kind of person is in front of him. He sees the child not as he wants to see him, but as he really is.

Jonah, 10 years old

Parents who have managed to keep their curiosity and openness to the world, faster than others, can pave the way through the changing terrain, which is called childhood. They constantly try to understand their child, even if it is difficult — even if it turns out to be completely different from what you thought. Well, then you have to say goodbye to your expectations.

I played sports in college. Both father and grandfather — all in our family were athletes. And my son loves painting. To be honest, at first I was upset. I have always dreamed of watching football with my son and throwing a ball with him in the backyard. Instead, we go to the art supply store on Sundays. And I see how his eyes light up when he conceives a new picture. I think that’s what it means to be a good father — to see your child the way he is, and learn to love him that way.

Father from the Midwest

Bravo, dad! Indeed, it is better to hold back your strict judgments, at least until the moment when you are able to understand — your child, the situation and his view of what is happening.

The first duty of a lover is to listen.

Paul Tillich, Christian philosopher

Sometimes we forget to listen to our children. But the ability to listen is a powerful weapon! I think that children, like adults, just need to be really heard and understood — not only the meaning of the words that lies on the surface, but also the feelings that are hidden behind them.

Laura Karlin, writer and blogger

To understand the true meaning of the words, you need to listen carefully and actively. Children do not always want you to solve the problem for them, even less do they need your notations — but they really need to be heard. One should not underestimate the most important of the skills — to listen without judging. After all, after you have been listened to and understood, you can finally relieve emotional stress, feel the presence of a friendly shoulder nearby and calm down.

Sometimes, in order to establish a connection with a child, it is worth giving up on small, unimportant things. Here is an example of a situation: the mother was laundering old toys, which it was decided to donate to charity. In a pile of toys, she found a chess set with large figures — but one of the pawns had its base broken off. I had to tell my daughter Ellie that giving an incomplete set is ugly. After that, mom again went to disassemble the toys. But Ellie was determined to give someone a complete set of chess. And after 20 minutes, she happily called her mother: “Look, I fixed it!” Turning around, she was surprised to see that both Ellie herself and the white sofa cushion were heavily smeared with black paint. As it turned out, Ellie glued a new wooden base to the pawn, and in order for it to harmonize with the figure in color, she decided to paint it black. But at the first moment, the mother was too upset about the paint to notice how pleased her daughter was with her resourcefulness and independence. She moaned: «Oh, my God, my sofa! ..» — but she immediately stopped when she saw the light go out in her daughter’s eyes. Like a professional chess player, the mother immediately calculated the situation two moves ahead — and forced herself to calm down so as not to dampen her daughter’s enthusiasm.

«Wow! What a good idea you have! — she exclaimed. “Now that you have fixed them, someone will be very happy to receive these chess pieces.” So, having managed to restrain herself and see the situation through the eyes of her daughter, the mother did not allow a small trouble to destroy the main thing — mutual understanding with the child. And later, she calmly reminded Ellie that the next time she decided to paint something, she would need to put newspaper under it. This is how you play the game called Be a Good Parent.

Our job as parents is to accurately record children’s experiences, not our own.

Kathryn Birndorf, psychotherapist, writer

Sometimes we miss the point (in the story above, the kindness shown by the child) by being caught up in our own priorities (for the mother in this case, the idea of ​​order in the house). But if you look at what is happening from the point of view of the child, without projecting your own life experience onto his impressions, you will be able to establish contact with the true «I» of your child.

And after you understand what feelings the child is experiencing, you have to learn to recognize them.

I noticed a long time ago: most often, when they are in pain, the boys yell, to whom their parents always tell: “Yes, everything is in order, nothing hurts you, but get up!” I think if mom just hugged such a boy, he would have stopped crying a long time ago.

Fourth grader

This wise boy is actually saying that if parents stop ignoring their children’s feelings and instead empathize with them, children, in turn, will be able to deal with their emotions more quickly. As a psychotherapist, I note that downplaying the importance of the emotions experienced by the child, we do not make them disappear in this way. We are simply leaving the child’s basic needs unmet. This is called a failed attempt at empathy.

The child needs to know: if he is in pain, he just needs to seek help from his parents — and he is safe. The child readily accepts his dependence on you, because it is based on love and care. It is only through this dependence that he learns to be an independent person. If this need is not satisfied, it returns again and again already in adulthood, and this inhibits internal growth.

Sensitive and responsive parents constantly maintain the right balance. They teach children how to deal with strong feelings, while instinctively knowing when to give the child the opportunity to overcome disappointment and frustration, thereby helping him gain emotional stability. But today’s parents are hopelessly confused by this difficult task, believing that if they constantly shake over their child, this will strengthen the bond with him and give him a sense of security. Unfortunately, being overprotective and in control of a child’s every step has nothing to do with being able to truly hear and feel them.

Forming a strong and secure bond is no small matter. It’s the most important. Your children will carry this connection throughout their lives. Love them as much as you can, with all your might. Hug, kiss, caress, play and laugh with them. Don’t hide your feelings from them. Repeat over and over how much you love them. If you don’t love them more than anyone in the world, then who will do it for you? Remember: the feeling of parental love is the most important thing that children can get from you.

Boundaries

Unconditional love is the hallmark of a good parent. But this does not mean that we must unconditionally accept any behavior of the child. As discussed in Chapter 1, children feel more secure when an adult guides them firmly and confidently.

By failing to provide children with loving and clear guidance, we are doing them a disservice.

Beth Ekre, North Dakota Teacher of the Year

Remember: a child is entitled to any feelings — but not to any behavior. Once you’ve set the rules, persist over and over again to enforce them. Not teaching a child to always follow the rules is like not completing a course of antibiotic treatment: in the latter case, we will get drug-resistant bacteria, in the former, children will be indifferent to your exhortations.

Unfortunately, today’s parents are very indecisive in matters of discipline — perhaps because they do not see the difference between parental responsibility and the strict disciplinary measures taken in the old days. Meanwhile, the difference is very significant. Discipline helps to instill adequate self-esteem in a child, but excessive severity and constant attempts to shame a child, on the contrary, deprive him of self-respect.

There are no and cannot be circumstances in which a parent has the right to yell at a child, shame him or hit him. But normal discipline does not require such measures. It is just a way of teaching a child: after all, the word «discipline» originally meant «teaching, education.»

Twelve-year-old Matthew was seriously involved in tennis and was already actively participating in tournaments. His parents came to watch him perform in the semi-finals. On the court, Matthew was terribly worried. And the more nervous he was, the more mistakes he made. In the end, he was so upset that, having lost the decisive point, he threw the racket with force to the ground. Then Matthew’s father went to the court and calmly informed his son that he forbade him to continue the match. Matthew, bursting into tears, begged his father to let him finish the game — but he was adamant. “I understand that you are upset, but you can’t throw a racket on the court,” he explained. — For us, your victories are not as important as your ability to behave like a real athlete. I have twice already reprimanded you about your behavior on the court, and now you will have to stop the match. Although it makes me very sad.”

Father did not yell at Matthew or scold him. On the contrary, he sympathized with the troubles that befell his son. Matthew’s bad behavior gave his father the opportunity to teach him a life lesson. Certain boundaries and the inevitability of the onset of consequences when they are violated teach the child responsibility and develop the ability to independently assess what is good and what is bad.

But how do you set the right boundaries? The main thing here is to let the child know that you accept his emotions and are ready to sympathize with him, but this does not cancel the established norms. This became the key point for Matthew. Today, he proudly remembers his father’s deed. In the future, Matthew won many sports awards — both in high school and in college.

Sometimes a wrong step taken by a child can lead him to the moment of truth.

Teacher

Matthew’s father did exactly the right thing. His sympathy for the child, the calmness with which he spoke to him, united him with his son and strengthened their mutual bond. Giving his child a lesson, he continued to love him. He was calm and remained the undisputed leader. He did not allow himself to fall into anger or rage and did not try to shame his son.

What if the father ran out onto the court in anger, shouting: “You should be ashamed! You have dishonored me! How dare you?!» — etc? Such an intervention would not have been useful. For a while, you can control the behavior of the child in this way, but in the long run, only destroy the connection that exists between you.

Shame is a terrible weapon, the consequences of its use are very difficult to fight. Trust me, it’s dangerous! Shaming a child is destructive; such treatment destroys a barely formed personality. Agree that, trying to accustom a child to discipline, parents do not strive for this at all. And yet, many times in my office, I have heard adult patients repeat these words once addressed to them, still feeling burning shame. In such cases, these words are no longer spoken by the parents: they sound in the head of the child. Shame has eaten into the child’s psyche, turning into self-hatred.

As a child, my mother always called me lazy. And now, no matter how much I work and no matter what I achieve, I still consider myself lazy.

From the stories of patients

As a child, when I started to sing, my mother told me that I had a terrible voice and that I should never sing out loud. Is it any wonder that until now, even when everyone is singing “Happy Birthday to You”, I can only move my lips silently?

Alison, 42

When I was a girl, my mother often told me that my feet were ugly. Even today I try not to wear sandals once again — and I’m already 73 years old!

Grandmother

It is very difficult to forget what was learned in childhood, to silence the voices that have come to life of their own accord ever since.

How you address your child today is how he will address himself in the future. You are the voice in his head.

Any accusations against the child will have a huge impact on him. «You’re lazy, you’re selfish, you’re a coward!» — all these words immediately become a program, tightly imprinted in the child’s brain and forming his self-esteem. It doesn’t matter if you are addressing a baby, a teenager, or a young, but almost adult person: remember that he will hear the echo of your words for many years and, most likely, will pass them on to your grandchildren.

Once I happened to get to the training of young basketball players. As soon as I entered the hall, I heard the mother irritably reprimand her son: “Move on! You are kind of slow. What happened to you? What’s the matter?»

I couldn’t hide my surprise. Well, my mother calmly said: “Forgive me, please! I’m not for you!» Laughing, I replied: “Thank God! You are only your own son!”

A person who yells at a child cannot be considered a parent interested in the success of his child. This is simply an uncultured person. Can you imagine what this mother has already put into the head of a nine-year-old boy?

Parents today tend to worry too much about the wrong things. Going to every sports game your offspring is involved in won’t do you any good if you torment him over and over again from start to finish. Learning to play basketball with swearing is very short-sighted. The ability to show your love with carefully chosen words will bring more psychological dividends. The best thing you can do for your child’s future success is to give him a loving and compassionate voice that will sound inside him instead of gu.e.h curses.

Would you feed your child with bad, low-quality food from morning to evening? Not? Then you don’t have to pump him with bad, low-quality thoughts all day long!

Family Therapist

I know that I’m asking too much. Parents are always faced with surprises. When we don’t have time to contemplate a response, we instinctively use habitual methods familiar from our own growing up. Words fly out of our mouths faster than we can think properly.

If a strange child had thrown a racket on the court, it would not have made much of an impression on us. But love deprives us of logic: just now we were completely calm — and suddenly, after just a couple of moments, we are overwhelmed by a monstrous fit of anger. Emotions overshadow the mind — and as a result, we will remember our reaction with shame for a long time. In the turmoil of events, it is easy to start shouting, disgracing, blaming. A classic example is parents yelling at their children to calm them down. Meanwhile, in such a situation, we can either demonstrate to the child a model of calmness, or add our own to his outburst of anger. So take a deep breath and think before you speak. Remember, careful choice of words is your way of showing your child your love. Words can bring you together—or divide you. Wise parents are very careful not to inadvertently harm the child. Think how much trouble you would be spared if your own parents were more thoughtful in their choice of words!

The very best parents and educators I’ve had the chance to interact with while writing this book know this secret: careful choice of words is the most important and perhaps most underestimated tool in creating a strong bond between parent and child, and indeed any healthy relationship. In order to access the best in a child’s soul, you must go to the best part of it.

If I can’t get through to the child, then I need to try to go in from the other side, acting more carefully and using other words.

Judy Mansfield, California teacher

When emotions are high, the child is upset, and we need to understand what is really happening, words must be chosen with the same care with which a ballet dancer dances his steps.

college teacher

If words are ballet steps, then our voice and the tone in which we pronounce them are music. If we set the volume to maximum, the child will simply turn off the sound.

When my mother screams with all her might, I can’t make out the words at all — only a scream is in my ears. At first he scared me, now he upsets me … Sometimes I wish I had a different mother.

From the stories of patients

Anger and harsh punishment can help control a child’s behavior — but not for long. Children who are afraid of their parents often appear obedient and even well-mannered. But I assure you that by using intimidation as a means of control, you undermine the very basis of self-respect in the child and force him to build defensive bastions to hide his true self behind them. My job as a psychotherapist is to carefully tear down these defenses and build something stronger and safer in their place. And I ask you: help me to have as little work as possible! Do not sharpen cruel words like arrows that cut through your children and force them to build protective walls around their souls. Don’t let these words go free, keep them! At any moment we can give or take away, enrich the life of our children or make it poorer. By choosing words responsibly, we can turn a desperate inner monologue into a constructive dialogue. Learn to filter your thoughts so that one day cruel words do not escape from you involuntarily: after all, you cannot take them back. Train the «muscles» responsible for conscious, not reflex actions. This requires patience, persevering desire and constant effort. But, I assure you, the result is worth it. By acting calmly and rationally, you can set boundaries with love.

When I’m overwhelmed with things to do and the kids are acting up all the time, I allow myself to take a time out. I’m taking a break. I tell my girls I’ll be right back, sit on my bed and take a deep breath. So I get the opportunity to calm down and return to a balanced state.

Household Father

This simple action is amazingly effective! Modern neurological research suggests that parents who can appear calm during stressful moments teach their children to manage emotions — or, as the doctors say, to regulate affect. Well, the ability to cope with affect, in turn, helps to form neurological mechanisms in the brain responsible for adaptability. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for making decisions, focusing attention, and forming opinions. In a situation of emotional stress, the brain begins to work worse. But if you pause and pull yourself together, the ability to think rationally will return to its previous level. It takes practice to learn this. And remember, by observing appropriate parental behavior, children learn to act in the same way. The brain develops based on the impressions it receives. Simply put, if you scream and lose your temper every now and then, and children regularly observe your violent emotional outbursts, their brain learns to express feelings uncontrollably. If you communicate with children calmly, by doing so you teach their brain to calmness. Thus, the style of parental communication with children significantly affects the development of the child’s brain. That’s why it’s so important to learn to control your emotions and teach your kids to do the same.

This is where the paradox of parenting lies: you can’t teach your kids what you don’t know yourself. That is why it is safe to say that children are our best teachers. Becoming good parents requires introspection and self-discipline. If you are prone to emotional breakdowns, if you are impatient and easily flare up — well, this is your chance to change for the better.

See, for example, how all the participants in the following story managed to grow above themselves. Two brothers fought screaming over a scattering of Lego pieces. Just as Zach tore something out of Brother Eric’s hand, the boys’ mother rushed into the room. “Stop! Stop fighting!» she screamed desperately. But instead of furiously administering judgment and reprisal, she tried to calm down, remembering the methodology used in Montessori schools.

“Guys, I have an idea,” she said quietly. “Let’s sit on the Peace Chair and solve the problem without fighting.” She sat the children on chairs so that they were facing each other. Then she picked up a large paint brush and solemnly held it up. “This is the Talking Brush,” she intoned, as if telling a sacred legend. “When you have it in your hands, you can tell your version of what happened. When the brush is in your hands, your brother has no right to speak — he only listens. And then he will speak.

Seven-year-old Eric took a brush and said: «I needed a blue cube to complete the ship.» Now it’s the turn of five-year-old Zach. His sobs subsided as he realized that they were ready to listen to him. “I’m building a car and I needed a blue cube, really, really needed, but there was no more.”

After that, my mother again handed the brush to Eric with the question: “I understand that you both needed this detail. How would you suggest solving the problem?”

Eric, after thinking for a few moments, beamed, “I know! We can both start over and immediately share all the blue, yellow, green and yellow parts so that everyone has an equal amount!” Then Eric again handed the brush over to Zack, who, through tears, could only say one phrase: “Eric, I love you!”

«Wow! It really works!” Mom wondered to herself.

Let’s analyze what the right steps she took.

• For starters, she calmed herself down. If we want to teach children a lesson, we must ourselves be the clear example of what we are trying to teach them.
• She spoke kindly to the children.
• She set clear rules for the conversation.
• She gave the boys the opportunity to learn how to resolve conflicts by encouraging them to find solutions on their own. She made them active participants in the negotiations and interested in finding a way out of the situation.

In this way, she turned the struggle for building parts into a process of building brotherly friendship.

Whenever you are tempted to react in the usual way, ask yourself: do you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future?

Deepak Chopra

You are the hero or heroine of a short fairy tale called childhood. Do you want to write a happy ending for her?

Setting boundaries while maintaining love

Take it easy. Make sure you keep your composure. Do not teach discipline to children until you yourself learn to observe it.

Treat your child with respect if he has to face difficulties. Be on his side, don’t oppose him.

Teach your child to respect the set boundaries, insist on it, but do it respectfully. Don’t shame or blame him.

Time

In The Gift of an Ordinary Day, author Katrina Kenison writes about precious time and how quickly it goes by.

At some point, our favorite family ritual of reading together before bed was forgotten. No one else asked for interesting stories. A shower took the place of a bath… There was no more basketball bouncing in the backyard. The ever-open bedroom door quietly closed… I missed my old world and its funny little inhabitants, these great personalities living in such tiny, such wonderful bodies. I missed my sons’ kissable cheeks, their round bellies, their unanswerable questions, their innocent faith, unexpected tears, and infectious laughter.

Soak up what is happening — because it is so fleeting! Spend time with your kids. Remember. Feel every moment. This will be the greatest gift for you and your children.

Once I happened to read this thought: «Children measure love by time.» We should spend time in their childhood, take our time, be with them here and now. As a psychotherapist I will say: if you were not there when you were needed, it is difficult to forgive. Remember Harry Chaplin’s song «The Cat in the Cradle». It is difficult to get rid of the memories that a loved one was not around, about the pain experienced because of this. Our time priorities signal to our children what we truly value.

I assure you, the most valuable social bonds are the ones you make at home with your children.

Bobby Brown, cosmetics specialist

We cannot delegate our parental responsibilities to other people, we cannot get rid of them by loading children with various activities and distracting them with newfangled gadgets. Our children need to feel that we are truly present in their short lives. And we have no right to refuse.

Parental responsibilities cannot be transferred into the wrong hands.

Mark Weissbluth, pediatrician, author of Healthy Sleep, Happy Baby

On the first day of elementary school, Ray Michaud, who has been the principal for 36 years, begins his speech to the parents of elementary school students like this: “Try to find the time if possible. These are special, personality-forming years, and during this period, children want you to be around. Believe me, you should not miss this time — after all, it will not be possible to return it back.

It is during these years that children will ask you to tell one more fairy tale before going to bed, sit next to them a little more and watch how they draw, stay with them for one more minute and cuddle. Don’t refuse them.

There are things that I could not do, which I could easily refuse — but I do not refuse. I do them — not because I personally enjoy it, but because it pleases the person who is important to me … I watch her lips move to the beat of the song that Taylor Swift sings in her video — not because that for the hundred millionth time I want to listen to the song “We will never be together again”, but because, listening to music, she makes incredible faces, and I want that when I am 80, I could remember this.

Rachel Stafford, handsfreemama.com

In conversations with me, parents tell me over and over again how spending time together has helped their children feel loved. Small daily manifestations of love are something we can always share. But sometimes it doesn’t hurt to go beyond them either.

I was a single mother with two kids and a full-time job that was always pushed to the limit. Once, on a cold winter evening, I was reading to my daughter the book “Owl Moon”. «Mom, why don’t we ever go out to play owls at night?» she suddenly asked. My first thought was that I was exhausted and had difficulty reading this book about owls — what can I say about walking on a cold winter evening! But I still decided to make a grand maternal gesture. I properly wrapped the children in warm clothes, put them in the car — and we went to look for the moon. About 20 minutes later, seeing an open area, we parked. We sat in the car and looked at the moon. I will never forget the feeling that I experienced then in the car, where I sat, pressed close to the children, and looked at the starry sky. Today, looking back, I regret that I did not have a chance to spend a few more evenings in search of the moon.

Mother of two, Midwest

Therapist’s Notes

The power of intimacy

1. Your job is to teach and inspire, not to shame and punish.

2. Don’t be afraid to take a break. Before reacting to an event that pissed you off, take a break.

3. The consequences of actions teach responsibility.

4. Clear, clear and undeniable boundaries create a commonality between you and the children. Set boundaries with intelligence and love for your child.

5. Discipline teaches children self-discipline.

6. Show empathy for the child if he had a chance to face difficulties. Empathy helps to cope with a storm of emotions. Remember that you are one team striving for a common goal — to raise a wonderful person.

7. By staying calm, you show your children that they too can handle their emotions and teach them how to do it. In this way, you help them gain psychological stability.

8. Choose your words carefully. Humiliating and shaming expressions are extremely dangerous — they deprive the child of self-confidence and self-respect.

9. Your children will conduct an internal monologue exactly as you speak to them. Your voice will ring in their heads.

10. The most important legacy of childhood is the feeling of love.

Chapter 3

At every stage of his life, the child should receive real life experience. Do not cut the thorns of the roses growing around it.

Helen Key, teacher, writer

If the instructions were attached to the children, then they would not write in it “Fragile, beats easily!”. It would say: «Handle with care!». Now that we understand how important a deep connection with a child is, it’s time to remember this: it is equally important to give children a taste of independence. Learning to act independently, they gain a lot.

In the old days, parents sat quietly on benches in the park while the children played. Today we see every now and then how parents, following their children around the playground, teach them to play or, even worse, interfere in their disputes and quarrels with other children. Modern parents do not insist on discipline where it is necessary — but at the same time, they often get into places where their participation is absolutely not needed.

Two four-year-old boys were sitting on a swing, and their mothers were diligently swinging them. Suddenly one, Max, burst into tears and declared that he no longer wanted to sit on the extreme swing, but wanted to move to the middle one. The second, Will, looked at him curiously, still swinging his legs back and forth. Max yelled: “I want to go to the middle swing!” The screams became more and more desperate, both parents became more and more nervous, and finally Max’s mother decided to act. But instead of turning to her own son, she, angrily looking at Will’s mother, demanded: “You see, my son wants to go to the middle swing. Can’t yours yield?»

Wow! Because of the desire not to let her child experience even a little grief, this mother was clearly eclipsed. Protecting the child from any trouble, you will not help him grow and develop. You will only relieve yourself of unnecessary worries.

Meanwhile, Max’s mother continued to loudly resent: “You see how upset my boy is! I demand that your son yield this swing to him!” Such an ugly scene seems unbelievable — and yet today such a scene occurs all the time. At the same time, no one is shy: overzealous parents are even proud of such behavior. Any sports referee, if he happened to judge their actions, would continually shout: “Unauthorized interference!” Gone are the days when mothers did not make a career and did not hire nannies, when children wandered the streets from morning to evening, kicking empty cans, and returned home only after dark. In that era, mothers could not listen to all the desires and needs of the child without exception — and did not. They did not tremble over the children and did not try to analyze their every action. We, mothers of today, swore that we would act differently. Well, our intentions were quite good: we wanted to give our children more attention than we ever saw from our own parents. We wanted their feelings to be more important to us than ours to our moms and dads. But don’t you think we’ve gone too far? We are a generation of complaisant parents who are pushed around by their own children. The previous generation clearly understood the family hierarchy: I am the parent, you are the child. They demanded respect, while we yearn for love. Today’s fathers and mothers woo children, almost like lovers — the object of their passion. We hope to earn their adoration and will do anything to please them. And that’s how we harm.

“Honor your father and your mother” is wisdom for all time. The previous generation lacked respect for children. This is the ingredient that was missing from the recipe. But instead of cultivating mutual respect, we denied respect to parents. We did not seem to notice the difference between respect for the feelings of the child and indulgence to any of his whims. Not only that: the result of our good intentions was obsessive interference in the life of the child and overprotection. It is as if we are trying to wrap it in a thousand layers of protective film, protecting it from troubles that do not even exist yet.

This approach is imposed gradually. Open any baby product catalog and look at all kinds of devices designed to protect the child during his natural development: knee pads for sliders, helmets for toddlers and the like. We seem to have forgotten that a child comes into the world ready to function in it. The baby’s brain is protected by a natural «helmet» — it is called the «skull». His small body is already well padded with soft protective padding — just look at his deliciously plump legs! When a child falls, his natural defenses kick in. Or do you think that nature is not wise enough? Of course, when the child grows up and begins to tame bicycles and skateboards, a helmet will be necessary. But a couple of bumps and bruises stuffed with a slider is not a cause for concern.

Abrasions on the knees and bruises teach the child to cope with pain — an inevitable part of life. Learning from one’s own negative experiences ultimately helps the child grow into an adult. He needs to train, moving over small obstacles, so that later, when he grows up, he will not be afraid to storm serious obstacles. He needs to trust himself in finding his own path in life. But how will a child learn this if parents always play the role of a living GPS navigator for him? Many of the mothers I spoke with in preparation of this book spoke of parents who in the sandbox themselves took away the scoop snatched from the hands of their child by another baby — thereby depriving their child of the chance to learn to cope with difficulties on their own. And who is to blame for this — really children? Definitely not.

Let’s get back to the basics and learn from the most authoritative mother in the world — mother nature. For example, if a hen tries to help a chick hatch by breaking the eggshell with its beak, the chick dies. The main problem of modern parents is that, with their excessive care and overprotection, they prevent children from finally “hatching from the egg”. In the same way that a chicken allows a chicken to break its own shell, parents should allow the child to develop without trying to prevent any trouble. Our own fears and anxieties prevent us from being good parents—and harm our children.

The ability to cope with difficulties is an integral part of life. By preventing our children from facing problems, we deprive them of the chance to learn how to assess risks and overcome obstacles. In the same way, pain teaches us. When faced with physical pain, children learn to avoid danger.

Overprotection leads to psychological instability. If you treat children like they are made of glass, they will indeed be too fragile when confronted with reality.

No need to treat me like a fluff that must be protected from any breath!

Jackson, age 10

This guy is absolutely right. Give the kids some freedom! Don’t panic if they trip and fall, figuratively or even literally. Falls, like bruises and bumps, are an opportunity to learn from your own mistakes. Many legendary biographies began precisely with defeats.

Guess who? Stars who were once unlucky

Native of North Carolina, height 198 cm. In high school, he, a rookie, was kicked out of the basketball team. He states, “I have missed about 9000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 matches… In my life I have suffered defeat after defeat… And that is why I was able to achieve success. Who is it? (Michael Jordan)

Her manuscript was rejected by 12 publishers. And only after that she managed to conquer the world with her fantastic story about a wizard with a scar on his forehead in the form of a lightning bolt. Who is it? (JK Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series)

I hope you understand what I want to say.

It can be difficult to passively watch our children overcome obstacles that we (we) find difficult. To feel where it is necessary to let the child act independently, and where our intervention is needed, is one of the most difficult tasks for any parent. But today our inner voice too often urges us to eliminate the danger. Instead of allowing the child to learn from their own mistakes and failures, which is the most effective way, parents avoid it, treating heartache and disappointment as something like a hot iron. In doing so, they make a huge mistake. Our task is not to protect the child from falls, but to explain to him that falls are only one of the steps on the path to success.

Those who have never made mistakes have never taken on something new.

Albert Einstein

The greatest glory deserves not the one who never fell, but the one who found the strength to get up after each fall.

Nelson Mandela

It is the falls that teach the child to persevere in achieving the goal. Knowing that, having fallen, he is able to rise and overcome disappointment, a person forms an inner core, cultivates self-esteem. Self-respect grows from mastering new skills — social, physical, emotional — and from feeling unconditional parental love. But we forget that in the word «self-respect» lies the word «self.» Instead of letting the child stumble and get up, we direct his every step so that he, God forbid, does not hurt himself! Where does self-respect come from?

Let’s remember the story of the quarrel on the swings. It could be a great lesson for children in finding a compromise and the ability to cope with small disappointments. How exactly?

Therapist-Approved Recipe #1: Kids Find The Solution.

Therapist-Approved Recipe #2: Max’s mom explains to him that the middle swing is already taken. He learns a lesson in patience and respect for the wishes of others.

And how did it really end? Will’s mom, a television actress, reluctantly took her son off the swing. Trying to make up for the awkwardness, Max’s mom asked her for a phone number so that the boys could somehow walk together. Will’s mother, dumbfounded, replied: “Your son is a spoiled brat! And if you continue to educate him like that, he will grow into a full-fledged boor.” There was no such line in her role in the sitcom, but in general the scene would be great for some kind of reality show.

Instead of taking a deep breath and calming down and letting the children resolve the conflict on their own, we rush to intervene. We just need to learn to relax and give the child at least a little freedom. But this is difficult to do in a society where there is absolutely no tolerance and no less than perfection is required of everyone. Previously, people knew very well that ups and downs are inevitable in the development of a child. Today, the weaknesses and awkwardness that are naturally inherent in children are perceived with anxiety and anxiety. That’s why we always resort to the help of a whole army of consultants. We have sleep consultants, potty training consultants, and even thumb sucking experts in our arsenal.

And finally, he enters the stage — the Bicycle Adviser!

Oscar is a kindergarten teacher. He makes a living teaching five-year-olds to ride a bike. He complains: “The parents of my students just don’t want to let go of the bike!” They really won’t let him go. They trot after them, clinging to the rear of the bike, gasping for breath and generally looking like they’re about to have to do CPR, and yet, with all their might, they tell the children that they’re holding them and won’t let them fall.

“This is some kind of wildness! Oscar is amazed. “In any case, when you learn to ride a bike, it’s just impossible not to fall once.”

The bike guide strongly recommends that nervous parents go out for coffee and give the kids a chance to try it out for themselves. What do you think the first thing children ask about? «Will I fall? Will it hurt me?» «Yes,» Oscar says mercilessly.

It is at this moment that he acquires coaching power. He lets the kids fall – and little by little they learn to ride on their own. As long as the parent is supporting the bike, the child will always be looking over their shoulder for balance. When Oscar lets them ride on their own, they learn to maintain their balance without assistance — as we psychologists say, they acquire their internal «locus of control.» And when the parents return, the kids are already racing with might and main, ready to rush away along the road — to adulthood.

Addiction breeds rebellion

Overprotection — or, figuratively speaking, unwillingness to let go of the bike — does not allow the development of independence. These kids don’t learn how to solve their own problems. At the same time, the lack of independence frustrates them — including those who are still too young to adequately recognize and express their dissatisfaction. The result is behavioral problems. Constant disobedience often perplexes parents who expect gratitude from the child for everything that is done for him. But think about it: why should a child thank you if, as a result of your efforts, he becomes more and more dependent? Instead of teaching our child independence, we teach him that with any slightest problem (and they, unfortunately, are inevitable), mommy and daddy will rush to his rescue at any time of the day.

Today, parents almost rush to help their children so that, God forbid, they do not suffer at least a little. If they are so zealous, then in the end, this will become their main job.

Charlie, 17

Here’s another reason why parents often turn into exhausted sufferers. In my office and at the parenting groups I run, many moms and dads have said, “I feel guilty about not having the joy of being with my child.” When parents have to literally do everything for their child, they accumulate fatigue. But children cannot take on even the simplest things if mom and dad do not allow them to. It turns into a vicious circle as parents get more and more tired and children get more and more frustrated.

Parents who are too protective of the child thereby make it clear to him that he needs help and protection. Good parents protect children from harm, but at the same time support them in their desire to explore the world and get comfortable in it.

Isaac Berman, PhD, psychologist

So, instead of becoming happier, our children only get angry and become more and more vulnerable. Obsessive parental attention and overprotection lead to negative consequences. Kids today are no happier. They became more dependent, risk-averse, selfish, and much less prepared to overcome life’s challenges. But you didn’t dream about that, did you?

I watched two four-year-old girls play Candyland, a cute children’s gambling game in which players have to wind their way to a rainbow finish line. Jenny was winning, and Beth was clearly upset by the loss that threatened her. With each move, Beth became more and more angry, and her eyes filled with tears more and more noticeably. And the more upset Beth got, the more her mother worried. She too strongly perceived the feelings of her own child — as we, experts, identified ourselves with her. The lines between her and her daughter were blurred. Finally, she jumped to her feet, trying to save her child from grief. “Everyone wins at Candyland!” she exclaimed with mock cheerfulness (“Oh, my God!” the psychologist sighs). Little Jenny was surprised. “But Candyland has different rules,” she said. “Someone always loses.” Children are sure that in any game there is a loser and a winner. And when parents make false statements like “win everything”, children not only feel the lie in these words, but also begin to doubt whether they can trust themselves and their own eyes. Don’t distort their inner «sense of truth» just to save them grief. In such cases, we look like Jack Nicholson’s character in A Few Good Men who said, «You can’t stand the truth.» The kids are really good at it. And parents need to calmly accept such situations. And Beth’s mother had to continue to sit, not showing that she was sorry for her daughter. Dealing with adversity allows children to gain emotional resilience.

Good parents allow a child to stumble and fall without panicking. They know that failure in childhood is inevitable.

Nat Damon, teacher

Let’s go back to mother nature for an example. Butterflies have to force their way out of their cocoons. Desperately pounding against the walls of the chrysalis, their wings gain strength. If someone outside destroys the chrysalis, the butterfly will never be able to fly. Fighting precedes flight. If it hurts you to look at the experiences and suffering of a child, remind yourself that his future depends on whether you give him the opportunity to make his own way in life. Think of his glittering wings!

It is very difficult for parents to see their child worried, upset. They seek to solve all his problems. But very often we are not able to solve them. Just respect the feelings and thoughts of the child — no matter how difficult they are.

Julia, therapist

Both in Candyland and in real life, every child needs to learn how to lose, be a good partner, and most importantly, deal with disappointment. I understand how difficult it is for you to see the grief of a child — here and now. But please don’t confuse yours with his needs! I understand that it is easier for you to help him, and not remain an outside observer. But a worthy performance of parental duties begins with the ability to work on yourself. Find your inner alarm and turn off the sound. Do not rush to save the child. Wait. To wait means to pause so that others can catch up with you.

I know it sounds counterintuitive—and yet you must aim to let your child get upset. Disappointments help children grow up, form psychological defense mechanisms. When a child experiences discomfort, new connections are created in his brain, and the psyche becomes more stable.

In medical school, one of our constant mantras was: “Train or lose!”. Train your muscles and they will become stronger. Train your brain and it will develop. Positron emission and magnetic resonance imaging have allowed us to obtain new and interesting data regarding the functioning of the brain, and have proved that it has extraordinary flexibility (or, as doctors say, neuroplasticity). According to Dr. Judy Willis, a renowned neuroscientist, “the more we use our neural connections, the more signals pass through them, the greater the neuroplasticity of our brain.” Simply put, by mastering new types of reactions, including the ability to experience unpleasant emotions, the child develops the brain and improves its functioning.

Just as love is forever in your heart, learned behaviors are permanently imprinted in your brain. This thought will help you find the strength in yourself not to interfere, to allow the child to get a new experience for him. As a rule, it is quite enough for him that a loving parent is nearby. Remember that your child is quite capable of enduring adversity, take a step back and give him the opportunity to act. Let him realize that it is not at all necessary to spend his life avoiding any moral suffering.

The best way out is to just go through with it.

Robert Frost

Anxiety arises when we wander around the bush, not daring to get to the point. A strong person is not one who does not feel fear, but one who is able, fearful, to do what is necessary. Here is a living example of how a person copes with his suffering — he is shown to us by a disconsolate widow and her four-year-old daughter.

When little Emma was three years old, her father died in a car accident. Her mother, Ann, was completely devastated by this loss. The topic was so painful that after the funeral, neither mother nor daughter ever spoke about their father. Days passed, but their moral suffering only grew stronger. Ann, being a working single mother, came home at night, completely broken, and constantly lashed out at her daughter. Their relationship turned into an explosive mixture of anger and frustration. They became more and more distant from each other. And then one day Ann signed up for my parent group. Other members of the group encouraged her to talk to her daughter about her husband’s death, but Ann refused, explaining that it was too difficult for her. Week after week, she came to group meetings with the same dejected and tormented look. Avoiding a painful topic, both mother and daughter suffered more and more. But in the last week of the group, Ann, for the first time in a while, came to the meeting with a peaceful expression on her face. She was asked what happened, and she told how Emma asked her to read the story «The Lion King». Ann had never read this book to her daughter before and was glad to read something new, but suddenly she remembered that the lion father in the fairy tale dies.

“At first I wanted to skip a few pages so as not to cause my daughter unnecessary pain,” Ann admitted. – But thanks to the work in the group, I decided to read these pages to her. Emma burst into tears, and then, burying her head in my knees, sobbing, said: “My dad also died like the Lion King!”

Ann told how they cried as they hugged each other. “I was very hurt, and yet for the first time since the death of my husband, I felt such closeness with my daughter,” she admitted. “Looking at Emma’s tears, I felt relieved, feeling that I could truly comfort her … Emma asked where her dad was now, and I explained that he was in heaven. She asked if she could hug him. I said that we can hug him in the shower. Then she, jumping up, rushed into the closet and brought out a long ruler and a glove. Putting a glove on the end of the ruler, she lifted it up and said: “Hi, dad! It’s me, Emma. I just really wanted to hug you.»

Your child will not break down from moral suffering — neither from small, nor even from the most serious ones. On the contrary: the encounter with difficulties will give him the opportunity to grow.

One day I watched a good teacher help two first graders successfully solve a problem. Two boys fought over a book. Mrs. Freud approached them with a joyful smile and said in a slight southern accent: “How cool, guys! Now is your chance to learn how to compromise!” «What is a compromise?» one of the boys asked, disarmed by the teacher’s enthusiasm. “You get a piece of what you want and your friend gets a piece of what he wants. And then you will come to me and tell me how you did it,” Mrs. Freud explained. I was amazed at how readily the students responded to her proposal. She didn’t even try to resolve their dispute over the book herself. Instead, she gave them the opportunity to solve the problem on their own and gain new experience. Soon the boys, running up to the teacher, said that they decided to use the book in turn, and in order to decide who would take it first, they used a counting rhyme. The fight was long forgotten, and both looked very pleased with themselves.

This is what parents really need to know. This is how we instill self-respect in children. And I assure you that the lesson learned brought much more joy to the children than winning the Candyland game.

Have I made my point clear? Overprotection is a true scourge of education, and it entails very serious consequences. We, experts, see that anxiety disorders, drug addictions, and depression are increasingly common in children, adolescents and young people. And it’s terrible. Representatives of the modern generation of selflessly loving parents do not think about sending their children into the big world without providing them with emotional tools to overcome life’s difficulties. Heading off to college, these kids bombard their parents daily with calls, emails, and Skype messages, begging for help in solving problems they have to deal with on their own. One teacher told me that some parents even correct mistakes in the independent work of their children, which they send them by e-mail. Who would have thought that the code of conduct for college students would have to include rules regarding parents! The latter keep their grown children on an electronic leash that pulls the young students back just when they should run forward with all their might. In our time, the most tempting thing in student life was the feeling of one’s own independence, the ability to make decisions independently. College is a bridge leading from the parental threshold into real life. The ability to rely on oneself is a stage of development that should not be skipped. We know that Oscar in such a case would demand: “Let go of this damn big one already!” It’s time to teach children that falling is nothing, a matter of life, and no one will die from a couple of bruises and abrasions.