Pain to the rescue: how to live if you are abandoned by a narcissist

It’s hard to part with narcissists, they know how to cause real dependence on themselves. They are often charming and seem sincere and natural.

“At the beginning of a relationship, the narcissist bathes us in love and attention, and we“ sit down on the hook ”, but gradually he begins to treat us more and more coldly, and in the end we rejoice when he simply does not criticize us,” explains psychotherapist Shari Stines .

And suddenly the narcissist leaves. Breaking up becomes a heavy blow. Why? Because it completely dispels the illusion.

“We have a fantastic image of a person who promised to satisfy all our desires and needs. But it was just a manipulation in order to gain confidence, ”says Stines.

You shouldn’t get upset. Let’s take a look at the qualities narcissists have that make them terrible partners (as well as friends, family, co-workers, and bosses).

1. They are selfish and self-centered. Not able to see us as a real person, we are just a means to them. They don’t care about us or anything that matters to us. They don’t care about anyone but themselves.
2. They don’t know how to listen. One of the main manifestations of love is the ability to listen to another. It is also an essential communication skill. Narcissists are completely devoid of it. Any conversation with them takes place in a one-sided manner and leaves only disappointment.
3. They do not value our autonomy. Imagine that the narcissist sets up the scenery and writes the script, and you just play a given role in his play. For any deviation from this role, you will be punished. You as a person are indifferent to him.
4. They think utilitarian. Narcissists simply use others for their own ends. To him, you are just another tool in the kit. Often you are simply not needed, as, for example, a screwdriver is not needed. At such moments, the attitude towards you will be appropriate — as a useless thing.
5. They are rough. Aren’t you tired of his rude and unceremonious treatment? Don’t you want to scream with anger when he starts commanding you or gets annoyed with every word you say? When does he always «forget» to say «thank you» or «sorry»? The list of manifestations of rudeness and rudeness on his part can be continued indefinitely.
6. “I” is always more important to them than “we”. It is impossible to work normally with a narcissist or plan a life together, because he only cares about his problems, and your desires and concerns are indifferent to him.
7. They don’t respect other people’s boundaries. You may try to set personal boundaries with a narcissist, but as you may have noticed, he constantly violates them, with absolutely no regard for your feelings.
8. They are ungrateful. No matter what you do for the narcissist, trying to please him, he will never appreciate your efforts. Let you take on the upbringing of children, cleaning, paying all bills, sacrificing everything, for him this will never be enough and you will not wait for gratitude.
9. They are deceitful. And prone to change. They create an illusion for you that is beneficial to them. Even if he will remain faithful to you, he probably has his own selfish reasons for this.
10. They criticize you all the time. Even their “compliments” sound like insults: “And you don’t look so full anymore!” Living together with a narcissist destroys our self-esteem. Some become depressed because of the constant abuse and start drinking antidepressants or seeking solace in alcohol or drugs.

After rereading this list, you will surely understand that parting with such a partner can only be rejoiced at. Well, do you really need a narcissistic egoist, an ungrateful, unceremonious, deceitful and unfaithful brute? It is much better to be alone than to live with such a person.

“After all, you yearn not for a real person, but for that ideal image that you created for yourself. Come back to reality and enjoy your newfound freedom,” urges Shari Stines.