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Many women experience similar familiarity. Agree, it’s rather strange when an outsider addresses you with words that create a false sense of close relationship. Why is this so annoying? And why do men do this?
“When in line at the bank, on the street or at an important meeting, some man throws me “darling” or “cat”, I just lose my temper, I just physically cringe, says 29-year-old Lisa. – What kind of “cat” am I to him? But I always get lost and don’t know how to answer worse … “
At the same time, men believe that they show tenderness and behave “like a gentleman,” while women simply “stupid”: “Pussy, don’t you have a sense of humor?” Saying this, the man famously shifts the blame for the awkward situation to the woman and calmly returns to his business.
What does this behavior say? And how to solve this problem? British journalist Taby Jackson Gee and philosopher Freya Rose suggest listening to the opinion of the classics of feminist thought. In the book What Would Famous Feminists Say? (Alpina Publisher, 2021) they represent the point of view of feminist Marilyn Fry.
Get out of the birdcage
Philosopher and feminist Marilyn Frye (Marilyn Frye, born 1941)
Sexism not only denies the equality of men and women, but also imposes a certain style of behavior on women, preventing them from overstepping the boundaries of their role outlined by men. Discrimination manifests itself in small things, which individually look harmless – but small things make up a lot.
Imagine a cage: each of its rods individually, a bird can easily fly around. But the whole cage is “a whole network of interconnected barriers”: they hold the bird as firmly as “like the thick walls of a prison.” This is why oppression is so difficult to notice and recognize: in everyday life, each woman faces the “bars” one at a time, but at the same time she is affected by a network of forces that determine her life in society.
Both at home and at work, she tries to live up to the expectations associated with these forces, and the desire to “be good” only strengthens the bars of the cage – the rules and expectations that exist in society. Therefore, the interlacing of rods seems to be “normal”. What happens if a woman does not recognize such a world order? What if she refuses to play by the rules imposed on her?
Sudden familiarity appears when a man feels threatened by the usual alignment of forces.
A typical first reaction is to discount her complaints: “You’re stupid,” “You have no sense of humor.” If you dress boldly, you will be accused of emphasizing your accessibility. And if you are more modest, they will say that you do not look after yourself or look “unfeminine”. If a woman swears, then she is rude, and if she is polite, then she behaves “like a girl” and, therefore, is too gentle to endure “men’s conversations” or the hardships of life.
“Baby”, “baby” and other “tenderness” that men say are even useful – this way you can study at least one of the “rods” and understand how this part of the system works.
As a rule, sudden familiarity appears there and then when a man feels that a woman threatens the usual alignment of forces, when the situation forces a man to remind him of his dominant position: for example, in cash settlements, when a woman acts as a buyer or client (that is, pays money ).
In 2011, when David Cameron was Prime Minister of Great Britain, he tried to object to a woman MP: “Calm down, dear.” In 2012, David Bonderman, director of Uber, said that more women on the board of directors would mean “more chatter” in meetings.
Such comments degrade women, turning them into cute objects that should not be taken seriously. Just think: will a man use the same “tender” words in a conversation with another man? But he reserves the right to call the woman whatever he pleases.
Switching to “you” emphasizes the difference in status
With the help of “bunny” and “sun” you can change the balance of power and reduce the normal dialogue of two adults to a conversation between “strong” and “weak”. Social psychologist Roger Brown and philologist Albert Gilman write about this in the article “Pronouns of power and solidarity”.
They note that in many languages there is a formal and familiar form of the second person pronoun – “you” and “you”. If both interlocutors address each other in the same way, then they perceive each other as equals. But if different pronouns are used in a conversation, then unequal, hierarchical relationships are assumed.
The use of a familiar pronoun (or words like “bunny”) when referring to a stranger shows that the speaker perceives himself as a person of higher status and expects that a low-status interlocutor, recognizing his superiority, will address him politely and formally. In such a situation, familiar pronouns or words indicate not the proximity, but the superiority of one of the interlocutors.
If a stranger calls a woman a “bunny”, then she understands that she should also be grateful (an internal belief that is supported by external pressure). Oppressed people are often required to smile and be cheerful, recalls Marilyn Fry, so that oppressors can continue to pretend that everything is fine with everyone: “So we can be ignored. We give in and therefore become invisible.”
Answer can not be silent
And yet: how should a woman respond to such appeals? Is it worth it to state your position at all or just ignore familiarity?
Gender psychologist Maria Sabunaeva
The question of how a woman should behave in such a situation is flawed in itself. Not only is a woman “poked” and “put in her place,” we also want to make her responsible for changing the system. I believe that we have the right to behave in any way.
If a woman does not have the strength to enter into an argument, she is free to simply pretend that nothing happened. After all, resistance will require a lot of strength. The reaction in response may be as if an omelette started talking to you at breakfast, began to make claims and resist the fact that you eat it.
Of course, you will be greatly surprised, you will not believe your eyes, maybe you will laugh. You will be so amazed by the very fact that the omelet is talking that the essence of what was said will reach you last. So it is with a woman – in response to what she said, devaluation, ridicule, reproach for a lack of intelligence and a lack of a sense of humor follow – all what we call gaslighting.
If there is strength and desire to set boundaries, then they can be set with any degree of verbal rigidity. Yes, there will likely be a rebuff. But only in this way can a woman become visible. For the sake of maintaining self-esteem, I think it’s worth working hard. Social roles in society have long been mixed, but prejudices and stereotypes persist for a long time.
Therefore, every act of resistance and assertion of boundaries is an important step towards change and well-being. If your boss allows himself a familiar address, then this, of course, can be assessed as verbal harassment, to which you have the right to respond as you see fit: silently continue working, loudly leave the company, or strictly demand compliance with business etiquette, up to contacting a higher leadership.
About expert
Maria Sabunaeva – Certified LI-therapist, member of the Association for Feminist Psychotherapy.