My interlocutor was confused and puzzled: «I listen to Radio Russia — I feel proud of the country, I turn on Ekho Moskvy — I feel ashamed…» What to do with such a clear lack of one’s own opinion?
My interlocutor was confused and puzzled: «I listen to Radio Russia — I feel proud of the country, I turn on Ekho Moskvy — I feel ashamed…» What to do with such a clear lack of one’s own opinion?
Sometimes it may turn out that … absolutely nothing: for some — not the most important for oneself — questions of one’s own point of view, one may simply not have one. On the other hand, the same thing often happens to us with the upbringing of children, and with the choice of a partner, and in general with any life choice. Why?
One of the most convincing versions of the formation of a «vacuum of one’s own opinion» was proposed by the American psychologist Murray Bowen. He believed that human behavior depends on how differentiated, independent of each other our emotions and intellect are. When they are not separated, emotions win and we find ourselves at the mercy of passions, views and assessments of other people, other people’s dogmas and myths. We, in fact, do not have our own mental life, personal position, our own opinion. We are driven through life by one need — to receive the acceptance and approval of another, almost everyone with whom life encounters. Rejecting one’s own views and values, one can unite with others and enjoy this pseudo-closeness and pseudo-understanding.
Another situation: emotions and intellect interact with each other, but only in a calm life situation. And in special circumstances, when emotional tension arises, the intellect seems to obey feelings: it explains and justifies our actions, dictated not by reason — by passions. At this moment, we lose our bearings, forget “solid” beliefs and seek support from others, approval — everything that will confirm to us: we are not alone, we are the same as …
There are very few among us who do not lose their heads, being alone with their feelings, who continue to think, analyze, even when it is very scary and painful. Such people have views that they will not give up for the approval of even significant people in their lives.
The anxiety of that interlocutor of mine is natural and positive: experiences and emotions, born of a sense of belonging, overwhelm him and prevent him from deciding. How to be in such a situation? Try to develop your opinion and argue it by reading, listening, observing — everyone has their own way. I repeat: it is impossible to have an opinion on every occasion. But on issues that are important to you, it is still worth developing a position and defending it, overcoming the fear of being rejected by others.