Overcome the teenage crisis

The impossibility of dialogue, provocative behavior, rudeness… Should the transitional age always be so painful? How would he normally look? And what traces of past experiences do many of us still carry?

Psychologies: From what to what does everyone go during adolescence?

Marina Bebchuk: From childhood to adulthood. From the essence of the child, the expectations and requirements of the child to adulthood – with a different responsibility, different opportunities. At this time, it is also called “puberty”, adult sexuality is also born – everything changes: the body, emotional manifestations, way of thinking, needs and behavior. Man will never be the same again.

Does everyone have a transitional period associated with a crisis?

Quite often, these changes take place calmly, without a crisis in relations with parents. And the very word “crisis” is translated from Greek (krisis) as a decision, a turning point, an outcome.

The main thing for a teenager at this time is independent familiarization with the world of adults, which he can achieve only through opposing himself to his parents. It is important for him to feel autonomous and equal with them, but at the same time he really needs the support and recognition of his elders. The difficulty for a teenager is, on the one hand, to find and set the right distance with his parents, and on the other hand, to test his own abilities.

Misunderstanding and confrontation can be avoided if the family gradually adapts to the new situation and the parents go towards the teenager, changing the old rules: the child is allowed to listen to the music that he wants, sometimes lock himself in the room, rearrange the furniture there, manage his pocket money on his own, in some cases not spend the night at home. This allows the teenager to feel more confident and contributes to his separation from his parents – separation.

In my opinion, serious conflicts at this time often speak of long-standing disagreements (usually between parents), which relate directly to the transition period of the child.

So, conflicts with parents may not be an indispensable stage of growing up?

Certainly. The attachment of children to their parents, which gives them a sense of security, naturally translates into distance as the adolescent develops diverse interests. Many remember the transitional age with gratitude to their parents for their trust and patience. For the fact that they did not give reason to doubt their love.

Teenage anger is a form of addiction, a manifestation of incomplete separation from parents. Irritation, anger or even hatred at this age is a manifestation of longing for love, hope for love and lack of freedom in expressing one’s love. Adolescents may experience fear: am I needed, will they reject me, will they betray me if I trust my parents? What if they abuse my trust, use it against me or my friends?

If such fears are confirmed at least once, the teenager involuntarily increases the distance, and the parents, feeling that they are “losing” the child, increase control, provoking him to further distance, instead of looking for compromises.

In general, adolescence is a love test. On the part of a teenager, it is often provocative: “And if I do this, will you accept me? Yep, got it! And if I do this now, will you still love me? .. ”In some families, children have to make titanic efforts to be noticed, and they are ready to go to great lengths to achieve it …

It happens that a teenager avoids scandals, does not provoke parents in any way, and generally behaves very quietly. How natural is this behavior?

It is quite natural if its cause is psychophysiological immaturity and infantilism, delayed puberty. The problem arises when a teenager is very attached to his parents and avoids separation from them, behaves as if going out into the “big world” is a danger to him. He is not ready to test his social possibilities, turn his face to the world, try to conquer it.

However, sometimes a teenager simply “does not benefit” from growing up if he unconsciously feels that he has a special role in the family. For example, he feels like a link between his parents, the cement that holds the family: if he leaves them, then everything will collapse.

How would you describe a normal puberty crisis?

Normal can be called the development of a teenager with ups and downs and an adequate reaction to this family. A teenager at times feels out of place, begins to study worse, may be sad because of unhappy love.

This is a period of conflicting desires: you want to do nothing and achieve success at the same time, have sex with many and at the same time maintain a special, exclusive relationship with one person, a teenager wants to get rid of his parents, and at the same time he feels the need for them. Often he wants to be independent just when he feels especially vulnerable.

Each family has its own boundaries and norms of relations – what then is important to pay attention to?

Parents should be concerned if a child does not develop intellectually, physically or socially for months.

Soft forms of problematic or often protest behavior are a demonstration of new personality traits, a new style of behavior. Too much make-up, long or very short hair, torn jeans, loud music, posters on the walls, smoking, obscene language, rudeness, rudeness… Extreme, sometimes dangerous forms of behavior are also well known: leaving home, refusing to study, all kinds of addictions – from gambling to drug addiction, suicide attempts.

Why do some teenagers tend to behave destructively, to play with death?

Putting themselves in danger, they, as a rule, do not seek death as such. Suicide is a symbolic form of withdrawal, an attempt to escape from the family system, a form of separation. With this step, the child says: since you didn’t give me more love, didn’t hear my cry for help (didn’t pay attention to my leaving home, didn’t change the rules in the family, didn’t notice that I became different), then I will die.

Often, only after a demonstrative suicide attempt in such a family does a dialogue take place for the first time, the parents finally turn to the child: let’s sit down and talk, we want to know how you want to live, how you want us to live …

How to establish the correct distance in the relationship between adults and adolescents?

The right distance occurs when the relationship with the parents is not opposed to the adolescent’s life outside the home, but coexisting with it. His friends, love, activities are of interest to adults, but this interest does not violate the boundaries of his personality.

It is not easy for parents to come to such a relationship, because adolescence exacerbates two fears: being abandoned by their own child and, conversely, becoming too dependent on him. Sometimes, fearing to lose contact with a teenager, parents begin to allow him a lot. But it becomes even more difficult for them to achieve understanding and obedience, as young people are more and more willing to dare, go to provocations. However, boldness is not freedom. To endure it, like rudeness and rudeness, means in a sense to give up and leave a teenager a prisoner of his emotions, often cruel and contradictory.

That is, a teenager needs restrictions and prohibitions?

He needs to face obstacles in order to assess his desires and capabilities. When there are no limits, a teenager easily puts himself in danger. He becomes a hostage to momentary desires, instead of learning to plan.

Parents are spiritually, physically, financially responsible for the health and life of the child, and they are obliged to set limits – this is a matter of security and responsibility. The child must sleep at home, or parents must know exactly where he is in order to contact him at any time. If the child is simply confronted with a fact, he is likely to rebel, so it is better to coordinate the rules and sanctions with him, trying to come to a compromise.

Suppose he wanted to come home at midnight, and usually came at eight in the evening: you can agree on a return at 22.00. Everyone keeps his word and is responsible for his actions. For parents, the search for compromises is a matter of trust in the child, for a teenager it is a signal that he has a rear, where he will always be accepted, understood, forgiven and helped. Whatever happens, he must feel that he is loved at home – anyone.

How can a family successfully complete the transition period?

It is easier for parents to survive the separation of the child from the family, supporting and reassuring each other: do not worry, look at what he (she) is already an adult (th) … If the family is incomplete, you can rely on relatives and friends.

The transition period ends when we formulate the rules for a new stage of the life cycle and begin to follow them. Ideally, if children live separately from their parents, but communicate with them with pleasure when they feel the need for it.