Overcome shyness in sex

Sexual timidity can be expressed by the formula: “I would like to, but I can’t.” It is impossible to talk about what actually gives pleasure.

34-year-old Valeria recalls her last novel with sadness: “Probably I should have just told him what I really want, but I never said a word … In bed I was bored with him, and he probably I didn’t understand anything.”

A person who is timid in sex falls into a vicious circle: each intimate meeting follows the same scenario, each contact is disappointing.

break the silence

Sexual timidity – a form of suppression of desires, words, gestures – is always associated with a fear of condemnation, although its causes may be different. Instilled in childhood attitude towards sex as something vicious, ignorance of one’s own desires and limits of one’s capabilities, deep self-doubt.

“No matter how old we are, we are unconsciously afraid that our parents will condemn us for being too relaxed, even if they have long been gone from the world,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “We are afraid to open up bodily and emotionally: what if the partner will be disappointed with our body or caresses, reject our initiative, and the relationship will deteriorate.”

Many women, in an effort to avoid misunderstanding, decide that it is safer to remain silent than to state their desires. And as a result, the partner cannot find out what exactly they feel, whether his touches give pleasure. Perhaps he would like to fulfill the desires of a woman, but we are depriving ourselves of pleasure.

Body contact

Many believe that the perfect appearance can make them bolder. “I think if I had ten less kilograms, I would be more relaxed in bed,” admits 28-year-old Larisa. “I would become more confident in myself, and therefore sexier, and my intimate life would finally get better.”

“The reason for sexual timidity can really be related to the perception of one’s body,” comments Inna Khamitova. – Undressing, many feel tense, cannot relax. And the partner takes this tension personally and loses confidence.

Such an attitude towards oneself blocks the perception of the sensations of one’s own body, makes it impossible to hear and realize its signals, and desires that are not expressed by a look, movements, gestures remain unsatisfied.

In fact, the ideal parameters of the figure do not guarantee harmony in sex. “Dissatisfaction with one’s own body is primarily associated with a deep rejection of oneself,” explains existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “That is why changing the shape of the breast or liposuction does not solve the problem – in sexual relations, a woman can remain timid and clamped.”

There is only one way out: try to make peace with your body, treat it kindly. “Gradually establishing contact with him, look for and find movements that give pleasure. For some, massage is suitable, for others – body therapy or yoga classes, ”continues Svetlana Krivtsova. Sexually happy lovers perceive their body not as something that belongs to them, but as what they are.

I like?

Low self-esteem is one of the main causes of sexual timidity. “When a person is not interested in himself, it is difficult for him to admit that someone else will be interested in him, and even more so that this other will not condemn him for his shortcomings,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “With this attitude, it may seem that it is better to stop having sex altogether than to start to control the situation.”

It is shyness that often makes women refuse sex altogether. “They replace an unfinished sex life with other activities — sports, work, communication — in which, it seems, it is easier to achieve success,” explains sexologist Sergei Agarkov.

In order not to let shyness take over, it is important to understand at what point a feeling of an internal barrier appears. To feel when something in the body shrinks and the words disappear, to find a name for this feeling, to tell yourself what exactly in the situation scares … This step can already be considered the beginning of liberation.

love is like a chance

Behind sexual timidity is often a fear of change in relationships. What happens if I dare to do something that I have never done before? Paradoxically, the fear of being judged by a partner is stronger in couples who have been living together for a long time. As a result, relationships freeze, and the comfort of established roles turns out to be more important than real feelings.

It is not easy to drastically change the usual style of communication: instead of desire, the partner may be surprised or even dissatisfied. In an intimate relationship to get what we dare not ask, try the mirror method, the sexologist advises: do in relation to another what you would like to feel yourself, and ask: “Do you like it that way?”

Start with small changes and pay close attention to your partner’s reaction, ask him how he feels. Gradually, self-confidence will grow, it will become easier to open your desires – then they will acquire a new dimension and relationships.

Timidity reminds us that sexual relationships are not limited to body contact, but include both emotional contact and spiritual meeting. It is no coincidence that shyness is more likely to manifest itself with a partner whom we love than with a person to whom we feel only physical attraction. “But it is love that gives a chance to overcome sexual shyness,” says Sergey Agarkov. “She who justifies everything and resolves everything.”

Shyness or timidity?

The essence of these concepts is different. Shyness is inherent in every person and can manifest itself in different ways. So, some never talk about their feelings, but are freely naked in front of outsiders – for example, in the locker room of the pool. Others, on the contrary, shyly hide the body, but easily share the details of their intimate life.

“A bashful, reserved person is not necessarily shy,” says clinical psychologist Elena T. Sokolova. – He decides what to keep silent about and what to say out loud. When he decides to speak about his desires or feelings, modesty disappears.

Shyness, on the other hand, manifests itself when we want to say “yes”, but we say “no” and cannot freely express what we really feel. It is shyness, not modesty, that prevents sexual relations.