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Men and women have their own suffering, but women are the most vulnerable to negative assessments from society. But they can change that, says psychoanalyst Claude Halmos.
“To live without wanting to know anything about the passing of time, to live beyond age, is a sport that can be practiced for a long time and with brilliance, but it is an extreme sport. None of us is immune from an “accident” when, quite unexpectedly for us, a young man or girl in a subway car or on a bus suddenly gives up his seat to us. At this moment, we understand that others, looking at us, see something completely different from what we ourselves see when we look at ourselves in the mirror (or think we see).
To feel good, we need to be in the world not only with our image, but also with our image in the eyes of others: I see myself as beautiful, they consider me beautiful … everything is fine! This is the harmony we need, in which a scene such as the one described above makes a fundamental breach: “others perceive me differently than I do myself.” And then the thought arises: “Who am I if the youth gives way to me? Old? Elderly person?” These words are terrible, because behind the idea of old age always looms the idea of death.
Pass the tests
- How do you perceive your age?
Today, “beautiful” is associated with the word “young”. And in terms of beauty, older women suffer more than men. It seems to many that, having lost the ability to bear children, they have also lost their femininity. In addition, women are victims of glaring inequalities in terms of sexuality. A man in the arms of a woman much younger than him enjoys sympathy with a touch of admiration (“Wow, strong!”). A woman who has a young partner is considered strange, funny, or even condemned.
All this makes women see age as an enemy. A dangerous enemy they must defeat in order to survive by repairing the damage they have caused. This attitude is evidenced by our language, which calls so many products “anti-aging”. Such an idea of age gives rise to strong anxiety and sometimes even forces you to make concessions that are unfavorable to you. The imposed battle in fact very quickly turns out to be unequal, and women can only give up, watch their diet less and less, quit the gym. What is lost cannot be returned…
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- Every age has its limits.
What is the way out of this? Perhaps you should take a different point of view: age is not an enemy, but a companion. A companion, without whom, as without an old grumbling husband, we sometimes would like to do without, but with whom we can negotiate and come up with a common solution. Not without effort, because it requires discipline, but with confidence that this game can be won.
None of the women will be able to avoid old age, but each can refuse to submit to her, appropriating the image that is imposed on her, and making it unique. For this devaluing image of the aging woman to change, both a personal battle and a public battle must be waged. The experience, beauty, seductiveness and sexuality of a woman do not melt after fifty, like snow in the sun. It’s time to make sure everyone knows about it!”