I have been working in a school with primary school children for over 20 years. I have accumulated many different school stories about the difficulties in raising children and ways to overcome these difficulties, which can be useful to parents, teachers and psychologists.
I want to share one such story. It happened to a girl, let her name be Tanya, like the girl from the children’s poem by Agnia Barto, who cried loudly.
Tanya came to school armed with 1000 and 1 more method of manipulation. Therefore, she did not develop friendly relations with classmates and with me. Why everyone suffered: me, and the children, and Tanya herself. Mom came to school and asked what was wrong, why the children did not want to be friends …
To make my life easier, I began to slowly teach Tanya a little rationalization and constructive ways of communication.
For example, Tanya loves to cry;)
We all went to the bowling alley. Fuss, fun, pizza, balls… And Tanya sits in the midst of this celebration of life and sobs.
I tried to talk constructively with Tanya. Of course, it’s not that interesting at all. And Tanya did not make contact. The tears intensified.
I put Tanya away from the children. And she said sincerely with sympathy that when it becomes easier for her, people don’t cry just like that, we will talk to her and she will be able to return to the children. And now you can cry everything to the droplet.
The seclusion did not last long. Pretty quickly, Tanya came up in a great mood and asked to return to the children.
Turn. I watch the picture. Tanya enters the class. He sits down at his desk and starts to cry. And they are close.
With a smile, I kindly say to Tanya: “I see you learned very well in our lessons that mood comes from the word tune in. Why are you setting yourself up for tears?
Of course, she did not like this way of putting the question.
I pull out the Fishbone picture:
And I suggest you consider:
The head of the fish is the problem. Because problems, as a rule, are in our heads, we invent them ourselves. We have a problem: Tanya is crying.
Building the skeleton: the first bone is the first reason that led to this problem.
I ask if Tanya has an answer, what is the reason why you are crying?
Tanya looks at me with displeasure. And he refuses to think.
I say: I will help you because I know. The reason is that Tanya does not know how to communicate, and in order to attract attention, she cries.
The second bone is the consequence to which this cause led.
And here is the consequence and more than one: it is not clear what is happening, Tanya is crying, it is unpleasant for me to be in this situation, but the worst thing is that nothing is changing for the better.
The fish turned out to be small, with only two bones.
Tail — conclusions and recommendations to yourself.
Tanya, how could you have done differently?
It turns out that one could simply approach Irina Nikolaevna and tell about the unpleasant situation that she got into and couldn’t resolve herself (yet she couldn’t, but when you learn how to communicate, you can), and ask for help.
And now the second fish has surfaced, with the help of which we analyzed the situation that was behind the first fish.
Lesson. We decide, we count, we write. Tanya is crying. I do not pay attention, because many times it is stipulated that there are constructive ways of communication.
Nikita raises his hand and says: “And Tanya is crying!”
To which I tell the children: “I will tell you a fairy tale, and you will think about what I am …
Was it really or not — no one really knows, but the parable says that one day Buddha and his disciples walked across the field and saw the ox fall into a large hole with the peasant. The peasant went down into the pit and tried to pull out the ox, but he did not succeed.
Then Buddha told his disciples to help the peasant. The disciples jumped into the pit, helped the peasant to pull out the ox and went on with the Buddha.
After a while, they saw the situation: the peasant was sitting on the edge of the pit and weeping bitterly. The Buddha looked at him and, without saying a word, walked on.
The students were surprised and asked:
“Master, why didn’t you order us to help this peasant?”
Buddha looked at the disciples and asked them:
– How to help? Help cry?
Children who understand … »
I did not have time to finish, as Tanya had already said: «I understand.»
It was a long job. And she brought results. Tanya does not cry for us. Tanya is talking.
How to wean a child from crying for no reason, if he already has such a habit?
- You probably won’t be able to do it quickly.
- So please be patient and kind.
- Get ready to work in the «broken record» mode — children’s experience is «zeroed» quickly.
- Carefully deprive the little sob of the audience.
- Have explanatory conversations. To help you, fairy tales, parables, instructive stories from your own life.
- Teach to include brains: Why? How can you do it differently? Use the Fishbone technology. It will help to analyze behavior, to see clearly the cause-and-effect relationships and the meaninglessness of crocodile tears.
- Teach constructive behavior instead of crying. Suggest ways to respond, for starters, yourself.
- Teach your child to look for ways to constructive behavior.
- And as a result, the unconstructive habit will be destroyed. And in return for it, a mechanism for a creative, constructive approach to life will be laid.
And everyone will only benefit from this. And those around you, and you, and the child.