In the army, in aviation there is a recognition system «friend or foe». According to criteria that are understandable only to the aircraft themselves, and less often to their brave pilots or brave gunners, they recognize each other. It’s like an instant question — the answer, the password and the answer to it. Humans also have an identification system. One glance at a person is enough to attribute him to this or that.
It seems that when you’re a teenager, the topic of «us» and «them» is especially important. Because their — they even look the same. Everyone wears the same skinny trousers, the same backpacks, the same hairstyles, they all listen to the same music and use the same expressions. Well, strangers, respectively, wear and listen to something else. And these companies, for example, hipsters, never mix with the company, say, rappers.
As we get older, we usually don’t care what kind of music anyone listens to. We ourselves have forgotten when we deliberately turned on some favorite song, so this criterion for determining “friend or foe” no longer works for us.
This means that the good news is that the “friend or foe” identification system is not something ossified, but very changeable.
Sometimes even in your own family, among brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, you will not find your own
I’m thinking, by what criteria do I now identify my own people and in general — why is it for me, an adult? Probably because your own inspires confidence, but does not inspire someone else’s. And so I will lend to my own, I can go on a trip with mine, I will recommend mine for work, and so on. And I also do this to protect myself from the hostile actions of strangers: if I quickly identify them and avoid close contact, they will not harm me. And having identified my own, I will immediately be delighted: my own — they are so cute!
As they say in one film by Alexei Balabanov, the main thing in life is to find your own and calm down. By the way, sometimes even in your own family, among brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, you will not find your own.
So what does my «us» and my «stranger» look like?
Parameter: DOGS
Own: loves
Alien: can’t stand
Parameter: ROAD BEHAVIOR
Own: follows the rules
Alien: drives, cuts and does not let pedestrians through
Parameter: Sense of HUMOR
Own: ???
Alien: no sense of humor
Parameter: MEANING OF LIFE
Own: wider than the satisfaction of domestic needs
Stranger: ???
Parameter: PONTY
Own: democratic in clothes, in choosing a car
Alien: throws dust in the eyes of others in everything
Parameter: BOOKS
Own: reads
Alien: does not read
What are your criteria?
Continuing to reflect on the identification system, I think that their own can only seem to them. I had, for example, a childhood friend, a guy with an open look and a wide charming smile. Once, many years ago, he asked me to borrow all my money for a week — $ 4000. And then, as you might guess, he disappeared from my life, with his smile and my money. And only his mother sends me apologies for many years in a row.
An open look and a wide smile are, according to the researchers, the generally accepted criteria for their own. In the dry language of science, “during the questionnaire survey and focus groups, an initial selection of the characteristics of people who can and cannot be trusted was carried out.”
From the point of view of scientists, we describe “our own” (someone who can be trusted) as “open”, “sincere”, “reliable”, “helping us”, “smart”, “not conflicting”, “easy to communicate”, “polite”, “optimistic”, “sympathetic”, “loving stability”, “highly moral”, “balanced”, “charming”, “with similar life goals, interests and perception of the world”, “bold”, “active”.
It turns out that anyone who knows how to imitate these qualities immediately receives our trust — well, or money, as it goes.
Do you want to know who we do not trust, who is a stranger to us?
Someone we would describe as «hostile», «unreliable», «impolite», «competing with us», «stupid», «aggressive», «conflicting».
Personally, I would single out «competing with me» from the list. It seemed to me that these same competitors only piss me off, and everyone else even loves competition, it only invigorates and encourages them. But in fact, competitors annoy everyone.
Lines in my list of types of strangers began to slowly fade. But not completely erased, of course
In addition, the researchers write that as soon as we get to know a person better, he immediately becomes more “ours”. That is, when we take a step forward and pass through the icy wall of alienation, which we ourselves erected, he turns out to be not so much a stranger.
Again, personal experience. I have long known that inside us there is a multi-page list of all those types of people whom we do not trust, who are strangers to us. It says: “Do not trust bald, redheads, people older (younger) than yourself, handsome men (women), Caucasians (Asians), you will always be a stranger without a higher education (with a degree), this rich man will never become your own ( this rogue), and so on. In this inner book of ours, everything seems to be written down forever.
As the scientists write, «the assessment of these characteristics is influenced by social perceptions, stereotypes and prejudices.» And yes, 99% of these are prejudices and stereotypes.
Once I participated in a team building training where we were given the task of choosing the most unpleasant person from the group for the duration of the training. I chose a good-looking uncle in a suit, which for some reason terribly annoyed me — apparently, with its correctness. And of course, it turned out that he was a cool guy, an excellent friend and a person who, in his free time as a journalist, was engaged in the protection of seals in the Arctic.
And that’s when the lines in my list of types of strangers began to slowly fade. But they didn’t completely disappear, of course.
And what do you have written there, in this list of yours?
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