How we do not want to recognize our unsightly features for society and ourselves! We so diligently bypass them in our thoughts and behavior. But it is there, on the shadow side, that treasures are buried that will change our lives for the better. How to unearth them?
“Naughty girls don’t get candy. Do you want something sweet? Don’t whine! Or “Real men never give up. Fell? Don `t cry. Get up and move on no matter what.» Or “What are you grimacing in front of the mirror! The main thing is to study well, not to try on dresses. Familiar phrases that many of us have heard in childhood. Everyone can continue the list of messages himself.
It would seem, you might think — one of the parents or significant adults once told us something, why should we remember it? But the fact of the matter is that although the consciousness forgets, the unconscious records everything and carries it through life.
How does this affect us adults? The child perceives the messages of significant people as an assessment of his own personality. For him, what an adult said about him is equal to «I».
“And the child decides that he is not pleasing to parents who are capricious and whining, that it is not safe for his existence, because mom and dad will not love him like that or refuse him at all, so he should always be comfortable and good,” explains psychologist Anastasia Bashmakova . “And he decides to push, cut off this objectionable part in order to be approved, tries to turn away from it, pretend that this part does not exist, hide it from others, because he believes that no one will like it.”
It is these cut off «bad» parts in psychology that are called the Shadow. But by cutting off a part of ourselves, we lose many opportunities. Let’s see why you should not be afraid of your Shadow?
Cut off qualities
If we give up something in our life, then inevitably there is a “side effect”.
“Our mind is linear. If I was taught that way, then it’s so right, ”says Anastasia Bashmakova. — Growing up, such children, who denied themselves some of the qualities, can be successful in some area, but unhappy in another.
A woman tries only to be convenient for others and, for example, does not know how to express her sexual needs with her husband or build boundaries with annoying relatives. Or she is a good employee, but does not show her needs in any way — she does not ask for a salary increase or set a convenient schedule. It is difficult for her to express her opinion, because once she was told that «I» is the last letter in the alphabet. For her, to this day, the ban on expressing her opinion works. ”
For such people, their nature is inherently wrong. So, you need to help nature — take scissors and cut off the wrong, they argue.
“It all comes from childhood, from the inherent restrictions, attitudes. When our inner child is traumatized, we think in terms of stress and inadequacy. “Helen, you are interrupting us, educated girls don’t behave like that,” significant adults say. And now the adult Lenochka endures a lot in silence and, for example, cannot talk with her boss in order to get a revision of the contract, ”explains Anastasia Bashmakova.
Cutting off some conditionally negative parts means giving up one’s integrity and, as a result, one’s capabilities.
“If we imagine our life as a“ map of the area ”, then throwing the Shadow out of it is like cutting a piece out of the map, shredding it and throwing it away as“ unsuccessful, ”continues the psychologist. “However, the fact is that in any part of our history and our personality there is a resource, including a torn one, you just need to pull it out of the shell like an oyster. It is impossible to eat it without getting it. You can break your teeth too. But on the other hand, we will find in it a pleasant taste, and many useful substances. But many of us, when we first see oysters in a restaurant menu, do not know how to open them, how to eat them. And refuse food altogether.
Sometimes our ancestors don’t know how to interact with this hidden part either, and pass on a message to us through the generations: it’s better not to know and not use it at all. And we find ourselves hostages of this alien program. We are ashamed to be happy, rich. Because our ancestors worked up a sweat. And the happy great-grandmother was envied, and the great-grandfather was sent to the camps after the denunciation. But today there are no those camps, and the program is “fonit”: be careful, do not show happiness — they will steal it.
Annoy and delight others? It’s Shadow!
But how to understand where the Shadow is hidden with us? The first and surest sign is irritation.
“If someone annoys us and even infuriates us, this is a signal that we have encountered our Shadow,” explains Anastasia Bashmakova. But other emotions and feelings can be hidden behind irritation. For example, fear, envy or confusion. We are annoyed by what we do not recognize in ourselves and cannot afford.
For example, a colleague at work is always in a good mood and happy. And we are not like that. Each of her appearances in the office causes a hidden storm of emotions in us. It’s easier for us to be offended by the “injustice of the world” than to admit that what this woman has, we also want and can have, but for some reason we don’t allow ourselves this.
In fact, we have the necessary qualities and opportunities, we just have to consider ourselves more carefully, without comparing with anyone. And the efforts that go into hiding from oneself and one’s other “forbidden” desires and qualities are so energy-consuming that, according to the laws of physics, psychology and nature, the energy does not disappear from the system, it simply changes its form and way out. She will break somewhere else. It will come to us in the form of unexpected changes and not always in the package that will please us.
For example, a woman unconsciously dreams of social activity, of an interesting job, where she would realize her abilities. But she lives all her life like Christ in her bosom — married to a successful and rich man, the house is a full bowl. However, the desire to be realized is so strong that her Shadow starts the scenario: she suddenly «accidentally» finds herself alone — for example, her husband finds another, and the part of the property and income won by the court quickly melts away.
“Life responds to her request in such a harsh way,” says Anastasia Bashmakova. — Her Shadow, which she hid from herself so much, broke out. What is left for a woman to do? After 25 years of living at home, she went to work. But she had the opportunity to fulfill her needs in a more constructive way much earlier if she had immediately paid attention to her desires. Then the unconscious would not have to create a difficult situation in which it no longer had a choice.
And sometimes we are admired by someone. And we think: why am I wrong?
“Everything that we notice in others actually belongs to us,” the psychologist comments. “In this case, we are facing the Golden Shadow. We don’t recognize our advantages.»
But how can we make change come to us, but in a more sustainable way?
want to want
“First you need to want something,” the psychologist recommends. “All our desires begin with an impulse, a fleeting sensation. For example, warm languor when we want ice cream and imagine ice cream from childhood. But why him? What do we really want at this moment? Perhaps we are blessed with joyful anticipation. Or we don’t have enough warmth that mom shared by buying us this ice cream. A wave of emotion went through my soul. It is this wave that needs to be trusted and confessed: I do not know everything about myself. And one more important discovery worth making: life is not something that needs to be experienced and forgotten, life is a journey and a resource.
If we do not avoid our Shadow, but get to know it better, then we will find that treasures are hidden on that half of the “map of life”, which we considered unnecessary. You just need to look at yourself and ask: “Who am I really and what do I not know about myself? What do I want? Allow yourself to believe: “in this world somewhere there is a resource for me and my rightful place where I am needed.”
The formula: “who am I” plus “what do I want” gives rise to the question: “how”. How to get it? How to find this link? There is point A — this is me, and there is point B — where I want to go. But how to do it?
“The shadow is directly related to creative responsibility,” says the psychologist. Our whole life is controlled by the unconscious. And if we are in harmony with ourselves, then we perceive the crisis not as a failure and collapse, but as an experience and an opportunity. We allow ourselves different feelings, we are aware of them and accept them. We are sad, but this does not mean that we immediately fall into despair. We live the sadness and move on. It is very important to understand: life is for us and for us. She is our cheerleader and cheerleader.»
Everything that she throws up is a potential resource for us, it needs to be considered and used from the “life is my ally” attitude, and we will see how exactly this will manifest itself.
How to find resources? Anastasia Bashmakova offers to look at people who infuriate and delight us. You can make a list of such people. For example, 10 people in whom something annoys us. And write out — what exactly. Or go from qualities: what qualities infuriate me. And look in your near and far surroundings who possesses such qualities.
“And then to admit the hypothesis: if something annoys me, then I can’t stand this quality in myself. And we go even further. And is this quality «wrong»? Is it really unnecessary? For example, a colleague Masha refuses to help me. The first reaction is that she is angry. Or maybe the fact is that Masha guards her borders and this is worth learning from her. So why can’t I afford it? Thanks to Masha — she reminded me of my aspirations. The second important point is that Masha simply defends her interests, refusal to help in a particular situation does not in any way indicate her bad attitude towards me.
If we show interest in ourselves and our hidden features, then life will open to us from the other side. And the changes will come in the form in which we want.
“We will suddenly realize that life has gained meaning, we will stop living according to the attitudes that we inherited from significant adults,” says Anastasia Bashmakova. — Start from this, take a map of life on which treasures are buried, and navigate along it. If I don’t allow myself this, it’s interesting to see what is hidden behind it?
And then, miraculously, our Shadow will become our main ally.