Contents
Emotions are neutral in themselves, but harm us if we identify with them. To step aside from emotions so that they do not have power over us – this is the path offered by Buddhism.
Basic Ideas
- Get rid of what worries you. Hatred, addiction, arrogance – make us suffer.
- Take control of your emotional outburst. Self-discipline, meditation and prudence will help not to lose self-control.
- Love doesn’t have to be selfish. Love without addiction is free from the traps of greed and jealousy that destroy relationships.
“The main goal of our life is happiness. It is obvious. Whether we are atheists or believers, Buddhists or Christians, we are all looking for something better in life. Thus, in my opinion, the main movement in our life is the movement towards happiness.”* But in order to get rid of suffering and find the happiness that the Dalai Lama speaks of, Buddhism offers its own recipe. It consists in separating oneself from one’s own emotions and thereby freeing oneself from their power. After all, anger, fear, jealousy are not only painful for those to whom they are directed, but also destroy those who experience them. Twenty-five centuries before the advent of modern psychology, the Buddha drew the attention of his disciples to the fact that everything that happens to us in itself is neither good nor bad. Only we ourselves – our mind – perceive events and actions as joyful or sad, offensive or inspiring us. You don’t have to be a Buddhist to use the wisdom of the Buddhist approach to emotions: to understand their causes, to pay more attention to their manifestations and try to bring them under control.
1. Avoid the Five “Poisons of the Mind”
In Buddhism there is no concept equivalent to our “emotions”. Faced with the Western concept of emotion, some Tibetan teachers began to use the expression “tshor myong” (which literally means “experience of the senses”) as a translation. But this term has yet to catch on.
In Buddhism, there is an important concept of “klesha” – translated from Sanskrit “suffering”, “affect” or “defilement”. It includes five disturbing feelings, or “poisons of the mind”: passion, aggression, ignorance, pride and envy. They all throw us off balance, make our thinking difficult, and cause suffering. The idea of the Buddha is that all people initially have an enlightened nature – calm, joyful, compassionate, but, acting under the influence of “klesh”, that is, in a “polluted” state of mind, they fall into a vicious circle: anger gives rise to guilt, guilt causes anxiety, and that – again anger. To break this circle, you need to understand the causes of the “primary” emotion.
It all starts with the fact that we are overly attached to ourselves and our desires. We want to get what we like and get rid of what makes us uncomfortable. And when reality does not meet our expectations, confusion, annoyance, or a breakdown occur, which further give rise to negative and erratic emotional reactions. And the actions that these reactions push us to create even more suffering both in ourselves and around us. For a Buddhist, the way out of this situation lies in meditation.
What we are accustomed to consider as positive emotions does not apply to kleshas. And the goal of Buddhism is not absolute control over all emotions, but the cessation of suffering. In his book The Art of Being Happy, the Dalai Lama explains it this way: “Peace of mind is not apathy. This is not complete detachment and emptiness. The basis of peace of mind is love and compassion. This state is characterized by emotionality and sensitivity.
2. Do not start with half a turn
Whether our feelings are beautiful or painful, it is not so important if we do not follow them unconditionally, like a dog running in the wake of the owner. But our emotional reactions are often unconscious, we turn on at the slightest opposition, the slightest difficulty. When someone objects to us, our first reaction may be anger, and we become angry; later, if we are vindictive, we may have a desire to take revenge.
But let’s look at it differently: is the rage that for a moment instilled in a person really this person? Definitely not. And yet I am angry with him, not distinguishing between a man and his rage. My hostility towards a person is a fleeting feeling, it is a response to the situation. Am I this hostility myself? Of course not. But, experiencing hatred, we get used to it, we begin to consider it an integral part of ourselves. And this is the source of our problems, our suffering.
I am not responsible for the actions of others and cannot control them, but I am fully responsible for how I react myself, and nothing obliges me to respond to aggression with aggression. Our task is to distance ourselves from our emotional habits through meditation and self-discipline and, little by little, free ourselves from the harmful effects of our passions.
How meditation can help
To meditate is, first of all, to give yourself a little time, putting aside worries, turn your gaze inward, into your consciousness.
And what is there – confusion in thoughts, leading to emotional excitement? The first attempts to observe emotions will lead to an inevitable discovery: I depend on my consciousness, and my state depends on the thoughts that arise in it. What to do? One of the easiest ways is to focus your attention on the inhalation-exhalation (or drawing, flower, candle flame) and return to this object of attention every time you are distracted by some thought or outside intervention. Little by little the mind will begin to calm down and become clearer. Now, with focus, begin to observe what thoughts or emotions you have: just notice their presence, without trying to either dismiss them or control them, otherwise you will simply start feeding them with your attention. If you manage to maintain a state of calm, benevolent observation, emotions will dissipate naturally, like a wave returning back to the ocean from which it originated. In this state, it is easy to make another discovery: I am not my emotions. As a result, they will gradually lose their power over you and your consciousness will become freer, clearer and calmer.
A. G.
3. Do not suppress, but disperse
The problem is not the emotions themselves, but the exaggerated importance we attach to them. When we exaggerate an emotion, we only amplify it. And those emotions with which we identify ourselves leave a trace in the mind that can later negatively affect our reactions: this is the “karmic trace” of the emotion responsible for our future suffering.
Buddhism does not encourage us to suppress our emotions, block out negative thoughts, or artificially empty our minds. Meditation is designed to transform the tremendous psychic energy that is embedded in our anger or despair into joy and compassion that is no less intense. But before we can carry out this transformation, we must learn to give our thoughts space and calmly observe them. In this way, we allow emotions to come out, show themselves and dissipate without leaving traumatic traces. To meditate is to be natural, which has nothing to do with the violent suppression of emotions.
4. Do not confuse love and affection
Attachments breed suffering by making us believe that we will forever keep the object of our desire or love. But sooner or later we will have to part with this delusion. The stronger our attachment was, the more acute the suffering from the loss of what we love.
The reason is that we often confuse love and affection. Love, as it is usually perceived, is almost always associated with a sense of ownership: my child belongs to me in the same way as my scarf. And just as I expect a scarf to keep me warm, I expect a child to meet my requirements. But this is not true love!
In fact, in this case, love serves as a projection of our problems and a means for self-affirmation. Only when love is free from the limitations imposed by our selfishness and selfishness does it become unbiased and selfless and can accept all beings without distinction.
In Buddhism they do not speak of “indifference”, which would mean rejection, rejection. It’s about non-dependency. There is nothing wrong with human love – only through it can our heart open to the world, but we must try not to fall into the net of greed and jealousy, which in the end destroy both us and our relationships.
* His Holiness the Dalai Lama and G. Cutler The Art of Being Happy. Sofia, 2007.
About it
- “Healing emotions. Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions and Health, Dec, 2004.
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard K. Cutler, The Art of Being Happy at Work, Sofia, 2005.
- Pema Chodron “Where it’s scary” Gayatri, 2005.